Little Jensen

January 10th 2011 was the day I told Justin I was pregnant with our baby. I actually texted him from work and he texted back, Really? Are you joking?. I asked him why would I joke about something like that, and hold him how happy I was to be pregnant with his baby. He was happy as well, and I was more in love with him than I had been before. My birthday was the next day, and instead of drinking a few cold ones, I had a salad at diet coke with my friends and mom. Justin was still working out of town and I had planned to see him that weekend in Baton Rouge. Saturday morning came and I felt really sick when I got up that morning, but just thought it was morning sickness. I fixed breakfast for me and little man, dozed in and out on the couch, and tried to get myself together before traveling. I ended up vomiting up my breakfast and once again just thought it was morning sickness. I called Justin and told him how shitty I felt, and he told me to not worry about coming, but I am hardheaded and wanted to see him so badly. I felt pretty horrible for the rest of the day, and on the way I remember texting him and telling him he better know how much I loved him because I felt so miserable. He said he knew and he was happy I was coming to visit.
This is going to sound super bratty, and I realize it now, but when I got there, he had not gotten anything for me for my birthday. I was a little upset and I told him so, which was crappy of me. We stopped at a service station at one point while driving around town and while I was in the bathroom he sneakily bought me this card that told me how much he loved me. That was one of the sweetest things he could have done, and was better than any other kind of gift he could have given me. I ended up staying one more night then I was going to and I am so glad I did, because that was the last time I would ever get to visit him out of town. He was always the one getting up super early on Monday mornings and getting to work. Now I was the one getting up at 4 am to drive back to Alexandria for work. At that point I realized I would have sacrificed alot for him at any point because I really like my sleep, and I definitely don't like getting up before the sun is up! He worked so hard to make our lives good, and I know he would have continued that because he told me he would!
Little did any of us know that just about a month later he would be gone, suddenly, tragically and without warning. Today I was thinking about our last day together, and it still feels like it was yesterday. Everything is still so fresh on my mind, all the time. My father has been deceased for almost 8 years, and I can still remember almost every detail of the day he died. When tragic things happen, just like when great things happen, the memories stick with us, I feel like forever. I have blogged about our last day together a few times I believe, so I won't go into much detail, but I remember two specific times that evening where I had never felt so much love for someone, other than my son, than I did with Justin. I never want to forget those feelings, but I know with time they will fade and all I will have left is knowing that I felt them at one point in my life. Several times this week and today, all I could think was that it's been 6 months, half of a year has gone by, and it doesn't seem possible. It doesn't seem possible that I will deliver our baby in 3 weeks and he won't be here physically, but for some reason, I can still see him in the "daddy" scrubs, holding Jensen and having the biggest smile on his face. He wanted nothing more than to the be best dad to his babies, and he was.
He definitely had my heart when he told me, without an conviction, that he wanted to adopt Brayden and make him officially his own son. I had waited for so long for someone to come into our lives and treat Brayden like their own because he deserved that, and still does. No one will ever "take" Justin's place, and when I will be ready to let someone in our lives again is the furthest thing from my mind. Tomorrow is my baby shower, and as much as I am looking forward to it, I am also thinking that it will be emotional for me. I have now gone through two pregnancies alone, and by alone I mean with the father not here. The first one by choice, and that is a WHOLE other blog in itself, and now one that I thought I would go through with the man that I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I call Justin my fiancee, and even though he never got down on one knee with a ring, he WAS the man I was going to marry, and on several occasions we discussed marriage. I sort of miss looking at engagement rings, wedding dresses and decorations for the perfect wedding that I was dreaming of, but I just can't even bring myself to indulge in any of that now. I can see myself walking down the aisle, Justin in his tux looking more handsome that ever and us getting married in the same church my parents did, but that is all it will ever be, me just imagining. On the happiest note, I will be holding our baby in just a few weeks, and I know in my heart and soul that this little life will remind all of us of Justin, and when God put him in my life, this was the plan from the beginning. It may not be what we wanted, but it is what God's will was, and I can't argue with that. We created life, and created a life that will carry with it so many special things, just like any child does really. I have definitely changed over the last 6 months, and alot of things that I thought were super important in life, I just realize they are not. Sometimes I wish I could shake people and make them see what I see, but I know we all see things differently and there is no way I could make you see through my eyes. I have proven beyond a doubt to myself that I am alot stronger than I ever thought possible. The road has been pretty bumpy the last 6 months, and I know that raising two little boys on my own is not going to be an easy task, but I am ready for it and I am ready to show them all the love I possible can muster up. Life is a beautiful journey that is full of ups and downs, and if we look at it the wrong way, we can find alot more downs than ups. I am not saying in anyway that losing Justin was an up, because I realized the other day that I can hardly remember the 3-4months after he died, and I feel like I am just now starting to come back to life in some way. What I am saying is that, for a short period of my life, I got to know what really being loved by another human being, besides family, felt like. I got to know someone with more patience than I think I will ever possibly be able to have, and I was given a child to care for that means so much to so many people. My life has changed so much in the last 10 years, and SOOO much in the last 5. I feel like I am starting to find out who I really am, and it's thanks to all the ups and downs life has thrown my way.  

5 months

July 18th, 2011

I can't believe it's been almost 5 months since Justin passed away. I have about 8 weeks until Jensen is due and the closer it gets, the harder it gets emotionally for me. Knowing that Justin was so happy about this baby and knowing that he would have been the best father is so hard. I have stayed strong, kept my head up and really tried to not give into being depressed or feeling sorry for myself, and I don't feel sorry for myself, I just miss Justin so bad. I remember my mom telling me that she literally waited for my dad to come home for 4 months after he died right after Justin died, and all I could think was, 4 months is such a long time and here it is close to 5 months and I really can't believe it's been this long. I still remember our last weekend together like it was yesterday, and especially our last night we spent together and how amazing it was, then how tragic it was. What breaks my heart even more, is the fact that over time I will forget his voice, his mannerisms, his laugh, but then again, maybe I won't. I haven't forgotten my dads, and I think the people we love the most we never forget those little things about them. Over the past few weeks, I have had several dreams about Justin and in every one of them he tells me he loves me, and the last one I had was actually our wedding, but he stayed in the back of the church and never met me at the altar, which was kind of ironic I guess. I love having dreams about him, they comfort me and make me so happy to see him. When I do dream about him, he is so handsome. More handsome that he ever was on earth, and he never fails to tell me he loves me. I remember having dreams of my dad when he first died and he didn't speak in he first few I had, but he does now, and it's the same way with Justin. I truly believe that our loved ones come visit us in our dreams and let us know that they are ok, at least that is what I want to believe.

I will have to have a scheduled C-section for this baby, and I have already told mine and Justin's family that I want to be in the room alone when I have Jensen because Justin would have been here with me, and I know that he will still be here in spirit. Most days I still can't believe that he is gone, and I still wait for him to come home on some weekends. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be able to let him go, and some days, I don't ever want to let him go. I have not been mad at God since he died, and I don't think that I ever will be, but I definitely don't understand why, and I never will, so I don't ask why. I was probably the happiest I have ever been in my life with Justin, and I don't know if I will ever be that happy again. I am happy to be a mom, and all the other things I am on a daily basis, but being with someone that accepts you for who you are and loves you no matter what is hard to replace. I will never forget the first night I met Justin, well, the second actually, because I met him at Kroger 5 months before that first official night...anyway....the night that we "met" at Carey's, he told me I was perfect to him, and I will never forget that as long as I live. No guy had ever told me I was perfect before, and yes, I am not "perfect" by society standards or heavenly standards, but for Justin, I was perfect, and he was perfect to me. Everything about him I loved and still love. I have to admit I was never really attracted to shorter guys, because I am not a short, petite girl, so taller guys always made me feel a little more secure, but I didn't care with Justin. When I went to visit him for the first time out of town, after he started working for Auger, we had decided to go out both Friday and Saturday night, and I didn't have an outfit for Saturday because we weren't going to go out but that Friday. I'm not that kind of girl that packs 400 extra outfits for a weekend excursion. I pack exactly what I need and nothing more. Anyway, we went shopping that Saturday and I found these 4 or 5 inch fushia high heels that I just HAD to have! I wore them to go out that night, and I remember Justin being funny and walking on his tip toes in the parking lot because I was so much taller than him, and everyone was laughing. I miss stuff like that, and I will never forget those good times we had together.

I am really trying to hold it together in these last few months until Jensen gets here, and I know the first few months he is born will be hard, but I know I have lots of support, and I will not be shy to ask for help or company when I am lonely or sad. I am excited and scared to start this next chapter in my life with Jensen and Brayden, my two little boys :) They are both very special to me and mean so much to me in different ways. I am so grateful to have this opportunity to be a mother the second time. I miss my love but I have two little loves that will take up ALOT of my time and energy! I'm looking forward to my life in the near future!!!

Just me....

I haven't written in a while, and I feel like I need to. I have talked alot of loss, and that's really it, but I wanted to talk more about me. That sounds selfish, but I wanted to tell a little of my struggles and victories!

When I was 20, I entered Red River, a rehabilitation facility for drug addicts. It was 2 weeks to the day after my father had passed away, and my family had had enough of me screwing up my life. I spent 28 days here, getting better, finding God again, and being scared shitless. All I had known for the last few years before that was drugs, alcohol, and more drugs, oh, and extreme inner hate for myself. I fueled my addiction, hoping I would either die, or at some point just get tired and quit, but neither of those things happened, and I needed help. I stayed sober and clean for 2 1/2 years, no drugs, no alcohol, but plenty of other things to fill the void I was constantly trying to fill. Boys, Red Bull, more inner hate, coffee, cigarettes, you name it, I was ingesting it. I was never really happy with myself, even after rehab. I moved here, there, everywhere. I ended up in Nashville Tennessee when I was 22. I had finally gotten out of Louisiana, something I had longed for since I was a child. My mother would always tell me, "Where ever you go, there you are" Well, duh, I thought, but after several more years, I finally realized what she meant. Where ever you are in this life, you must be happy with YOU, because you can run and run, but you'll always take yourself with you.

Part of me loved Nashville, and part of me was so damn miserable. I was 600+ miles away from my mother, broke, no clue how to pay bills and buy groceries, and no love for me. Well, in April or May of 2006, I finally relapsed. I said fuck it, and I ordered an apple martini. Not long after that I was snorting cocaine again and hating myself even more. I mad a promise to myself that if I touched ecstasy, I would quit all together. Well, that night came and went, and I sure didn't stop getting stoned, drunk, high, whatever I could do that wouldn't kill a small horse. The last night I did cocaine, I was driving home at 9am afer being up all night and morning and thought that a Stanley Steamer van was the cops following me to bust me. Me....what was I thinking? Yes, I had done illegal drugs, but why was I so special to think that the Nashville Metro police digused themselves in a Stanley Steamer van to follow me home??! I wasn't selling drugs, or transporting them. That is just how crazy and insane I was at the time. I thought ridiculous things like that. There was actually a Stanley Steamer van following me, but it only did so until we got to the 4 lane road that lead to my house. Now that I look back, that was pretty funny, and stupid of me to think. Anyway, I got to my little one bedroom apartment and with my little mut dog Bella, sat on the end of my bed and thought, "What the fuck am I doing?" I started crying and just started asking for help. I wasn't really praying to God, I was just asking for help. It felt like a beam of light hit me through the window, and I called a friend and got help, again. Shortly after getting clean and sober again, I met him, Jack. My first impression of this guy was that he was the biggest jerk I had ever met. He didn't even look me in the eye when he shook my hand....little did I know that night, he would become the father of my child, a sperm donor...

I found out September 9th, 2006 that I was pregnant. I remember literally gasping when I saw the result. No way, no way, no way. I was at my friend Joy's house, the same friend that I had called for help that last cocaine enduced episode I had had. I don't even think it took 10 seconds to pop up as a positive result. I was in shock, I started crying and had no idea what I was going to do. I called Jack and went to his place. I remember him being so excited, and all I could think was, there is no way in hell I want to spend the rest of my life with this guy, even though we had talked about getting married, having kids, and spending the rest of our lives together. Well, remember when I said I was always trying to fill a void? Case in point. He was filling a void temporarily for me. He was not what I needed, then, or now, and I knew in the very pit of my stomach, heart and soul that he was not who I was suppose to spend the rest of my life with. I tried to make it work with him, but I just couldn't. I broke it off with him, and moved back home. I left and he didn't know. Yes, I was pregnant with our child and just left, but I was scared of who and what he was becoming. He was so loving and caring, but when I told him I didn't think we were right for each other, he started being so mean and saying the most hateful things to me. I didn't want to be a part of that. I didn't want to see what he was capable of.

I spent the next 9 months with so much worry about what was going to happen. My family didn't think I would be able to take care of a baby, and to be honest, I didn't think I was capable either. The day my son was born changed my entire life. He was the best thing, at that time, that could have happened to me. I finally grew up, well, maybe after a few months of him being here. I was finally happy, for the most part. All I could think was that I was his protector, he was me and I was he. This tiny little being was part of me, regardless of how he got here. I was finally repsonsible for something bigger than myself, and I was ready for the challenge. So, all the time I was pregnant, and for the first 2 or 3 years of my sons life, I was sober and clean. I guess he was 2, almost 3 when I took my first drink again. I just wanted to see if I could handle it, see if anything had changed. You know the definition of insanity right? Doing the same thing, over and over, expecting the same result. I definitely made some mistakes, and it took me getting so drunk one night and having to call a friend, then ending up getting a ride from total strangers home, my mom coming over the next day and giving me a talking to, that I realized I REALLY needed to grow up and be Brayden's mom, and know that the days of going out and partying it up were over. I still go out, well, not right now because of being pregnant, but I do drink from time to time, but I don't let it get out of hand. I know what is important now, and it's not a night of idiocracy.

At this point, I will talk about Justin. I wasn't going to make this whole blog about our relationship, but I want to talk about how strong I know I have been and how much I could have fallen apart, because I have fallen apart when much less has happened to me. Justin was my soul mate. Our souls were so connected that when we held hands or when he looked at me a certain way, there was electricity. I was not ashamed to be who I was around him, and I knew that he loved me for who I was, and not for who I was trying to be. All the other relationships I have had in my life, I was trying to find myself and be someone I was really not. I think by the time I had met Justin, I had found a big piece of me, and he helped me find alot more of it, so I was completely open with him and I had no walls up. I almost broke things off with him after just a few weeks of dating because I was scared. I was scared as hell to fall in love, even though it was what I really wanted. I couldn't wait to have a life, a family, and become old with Justin. God had other plans, and I have to accept those plans and move on. When he passed away, I remember telling my brother Michael that I was really glad I was pregnant, because I would have probably stayed drunk. I can't say that I would have gone down some dark drug induced spiral if I wasn't pregnant. I'm not really sure what I would have done without Jensen, to be honest. Don't get me wrong, I love my son Brayden to death, and would never put him in harms way, but I cannot sit here and say that it wouldn't have crossed my mind to get absolutely trashed after Justin died. I wanted, and still want, all the pain to just go away. I know from all the insane things I have done in my life that nothing can fill a void like the love of your family, and the love of God. Those things have been my rock, and I am so glad that I have them to lean on. Yes, after his death,  I have laid in the fetal postion, and cried so hard that I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to breath, but at least it wasn't because I had been on a drug fueled rampage the night before, like I used to do when I was younger. I missed my love. I missed and still miss a part of my heart. He is gone and it will be a very long time until I get to see him again.

Everytime I snorted a line of coke, popped a pill that I wasn't really sure what it was, or took so many shots that I couldn't feel my face, I was hoping to die. I was so afraid of living. I felt like I didn't deserve to. Being a mother, being in love and losing that love, being scared shitless to raise two children on my own, has all made me grow up and not be afraid to live or to die. After I had Brayden, I have obsessed about death every single day since his birth. What was going to happen when I left? Where was I going to go? Who would take care of my baby? So many questions that had no answers, and I literally, for the past 3 1/2 years asked myself those same questions every single day. After Justin died, I was not scared of dying or living. I know that everyone I love will be ok when I leave. I know that if I move foward in my life, that Justin will not be angry with me. I know in the pit of my heart that everything will really be ok. I know in my life today that I don't need to try and find some drug to hallucinate on to make me happy or open my mind. Everything I ever needed to be happy was inside of me all along, and it's taken so much for me to figure that out. I am grateful for everything, good and bad, that has happened to me. It has made me who I am. I have seen people write as their facebook status, etc., "One day your life will flash before your eyes. Will your's be worth watching?" I would have to say, yes, and it can only get better from here.....

Well, well

April 1st, 2011
12:17 am

I haven't stayed up this late in a really long time. Justin was the one who always wanted to get in bed early, and I was more the night owl, but lately I have been so tired with the pregnancy that 8:30 is the most wonderful time of my day. Anyway, it's been a few weeks since I have blogged because I haven't had a computer. Thanks to Gary and his brother, I have a new laptop, new to me anyway.

I guess I want to talk about what has happened to me emotionally over the last few weeks. I get stronger everyday, but still sad most days. I get up, get ready for work, feed my son, look at myself in the mirror and think, OK, I can do this....put on a decent face and get to reality. I have been thinking about other experiences I have had in my life, the ones that have made me who I am today. Justin's death is the most recent in a long line of things that have impacted my life. It is strange of us as humans to think more about certain things after we have had loss. Let me take example getting this laptop. It's not brand new, I don't even know how old it is, but what does that matter? What does anything physically mean anyway? We can not take anything with us. When we leave, we leave memories and physical things, but those things don't replace us. I'm kind of getting off track....I have really been thinking of how blessed I really am. Tragedy happens everyday, to alot of people, and it can either impact you in a way that makes you turn inward, not want to see the light of day, and trust me, I have wanted to go there many times. I don't have that choice, nor do I want to do that. I am blessed with a beautiful child, and another gift on the way. I have my own apartment with HEAT and AIR, food, clothing, shoes, toothbrush, soap, cleaning supplies, dishes, a car, money for gas, a job, etc, etc....despite EVERYTHING I am blessed. I have seen how people live in South America, when I was in Honduras 6 years ago. Trust me, when we feel like we have NOTHING, we have alot more than most of those people have, even with "nothing". I believe that everything happens to you for a reason....every little thing, every little second of your life has some purpose, and you can either try and look for the good, or stay negative and expect that you will always get negative.

I could be one of those people that just says ya know what, screw this, and give up....but I won't do that, I don't want to do that. I have too much to live for. Who knows when God will call me home, I sure as hell don't, and didn't expect the love of my life to be gone from me so soon. But I do know this, I am not longer afraid, no matter what I have thought about in the past. I have questioned if there was a God, heaven, all of that, like I'm sure alot of people have done, but I know this one thing, whatever happens to me, anyone I leave behind will be ok, eventually. Sometimes I look at my son and I can't believe that some day he will be a man, he will be my age one day, it's crazy. And I would love to be there, for his first day of Pre-school, college, his wedding, his children being born, but let me tell you this, if the good Lord took me tonight, I would be ok. I know that there is good in this world, and there is evil in this world, but I am trying to stick to finding the good, in people, in things, in whatever. I am not saying become blind to bad things, but try not to focus so much on the negative.

I have been so blessed to have had so many different experiences in my life, and yes, some of them have been hard, but I have grown so much from them, and that is the blessing. My brain is getting fuzzy from being so tired. I will write more coherently tomorrow. Today was a good day, and ya know why? Because I got my ass up this morning and told myself that no matter what, it was going to be a good day, and that no one was going to mess it up for me! And that's exactly what happened. I am learning, and it's a great feeling!

One Month

March 19th, 2011
9:24 am

I haven't had a change to write in a while, or have just been too tired to do so. This may be my last post for a while because I need a new computer and the one I am on now is a loaner, and they need it back! So...anyway, I don't have anything really specific to talk about today. This week has been kind of hard because March has the exact days as February did, so I kind of almost relived mine and Justin's last week together, this past week.

It was like any other week I guess, but it wasn't at the same time. It was our first Valentine's together, and I was looking forward to many, many more. That has been the hardest thing is knowing I won't make any more memories with him, we won't celebrate any holidays, birthdays, or the birth of our child together. I know he is here in spirit, but it's just hard to not have him here physically. I want to be able to talk to him face to face, ask him how he feels about certain things, but I can't. Of course everyday I think about our life together, but this week I have really been thinking about things and what our life was like together. I am not ashamed to say that I talk to him as much as possible everyday, but like I told him this morning, I really wish I could hear what he had to say about stuff. Like our child's name. He told me a boy's name that he liked and honestly, it could be a boy or a girl's, but how do I know if he would like it to be a girl's name if that's what I end up having. I feel almost guilty for deciding things on my own, but I know in my heart I can't feel that way. Thursday was the worst day this week, and the last week of our life together, Thursday was one of the worst days because we got in a stupid argument that was mostly my fault. This Thursday I laid in my bed that night and talked to him and just cried, like I do alot, but this time I just really let it all out. I told him how I was mad at him for never telling me he had reactions to shellfish in the past and in the same breath I told him how much I loved him and I would never stop loving him. That night as I slept I had a dream with him in it, and he looked so handsome and I was so happy to see him. I don't remember if he said anything, and I don't think he did, but he just smiled at me and I knew he loved me so much. Yesterday I had a half day of work, and took Brayden with me. After I got off work we went and ate then went to the park. I was sitting on the bench watching Brayden play and I just looked straight up in the sky and there was a big cloud that was shaped like a heart. He knew what a shitty day I had Thursday and I feel like in some way he was letting me know that he is still here with me even if he's not "here".

I don't want to have any regrets in my life, but I know now that you should not take anything or anyone in your life for granted because you never know when it will be taken from you. I feel like I took Justin for granted sometimes because I just assumed he would be around for a long time. And what I mean is that, I might not have always said thank you for things he did for me, but in my heart I know he was treating me better than I had ever been treated in my life by a guy. He didn't have to tell me he loved me, he could just look at me and I knew it. I was looking foward to being his wife and the mother of his child. We started saying to each other "love you baby daddy" and "love you baby momma". Sometimes, I wonder why he even loved me because I am not the most pleasend person and don't always think before I speak or act. He loved me despite of my faults and the same went for me. We are all human and all have faults, and to truly fall in love you can't be looking for "mr or ms perfect". When that perfect person comes along, you have to overlook certain things and then you realize how perfect you actually are for each other. I have tried so hard to remember everything we talked about at dinner and on the way home the night he died, and I can't remember everything but I do remember some of what I thought, and I remember on the way home thinking how lucky I was, how in love with him I was, and how perfect we were for each other. I just can't believe it's already been a month that he's been gone. It seems like everyday is an eternity without him and sometimes I just can't imagine living until I'm old without him, but, that's the reality of the situation. Yeah, he might send me someone else to love me and the kids, and for me to love, but I will never love anyone like I loved him, and I don't think that anyone could ever love me the way he loved me. I am content right now in just being alone and possibly being alone for the rest of my life. Knowing that Justin is with me makes me feel better. There are times, especially at night that I can just feel him and feel his love. No matter what happens in my life, I know I can handle it, and that is the attitude I am keeping. He knew how strong I was and I think that is one thing he loved about me. He knew if it came down to it, I could take care of myself, so he wasn't worried about leaving. He knew all of us down here would be ok, and he knew that he would be able to watch over all of us. Justin was a good man and he was on the right track to make a really great life for alot of people. He was a great father and just an all around good soul. I will never forget our good times together, and how much he loved everyone that was in his life. :)

Happy Thoughts

March 12th, 2011
7:37 am

Well, so much for sleeping in. I have been up since 6 am, but that's ok! Hopefully I will get a mid-morning nap.

So, most of my blogs haven't been "sad", but I haven't really talked about alot of happy stuff. I don't feel like I have anyway. I miss my love, I know that, but I wanted to talk about our life together, though it was short, it was intense and it was good. Justin was "the one". He and I were definitely different, and when they say opposites attract, they are right. When I first me him, I was still playing for the Cenla Derby Dames, which is roller derby if you are not aware. I was very happy doing that, and had finally found something I was good at besides being a mother. I had moved back here from Nashville in 2006 and was pretty derpressed I had to do so. Alexandria is not a bad place, it's just very closed minded in my opinion and not very diverse. I really loved living in Nashville, but like everything, it had it's downfalls. So, anyway, I was going to school, working, raising Brayden and I didn't really have "my" thing. I played softball at LSUA for a little bit, wanted to join an adult soccer team because I missed playing so much, but I never did it. I was pretty down on myself and didn't have an outlet. A friend of mine asked me last year if I wanted to join a derby team, and without really knowing what it was, I decided to try it out. After the first bout we went to, I was hooked. I wanted to play soooooo freakin' bad. I am not THAT much of a violent person, but I do have a streak in me that I was satisfying with derby.

I met Justin on a Saturday in Natchitoches, and he came back to Alexandria with me the next day and came to see me practice. He saw how tough I was physically, and I think he liked it :-) He realized soon after that I was very independent and touch emotionally, to an extent. I was a litte insecure with him, but he soon made me realize that he was crazy about me. We got to spend alot of time together when we first met because he was still working for Foster. When he went to work for Auger and was on the road, I wasn't sure if we were meant to be together. Like my mother told me, I haven't been very domesticated, and don't do well in relationships. I am 28 years old and have never dated someone for more than 4 months. After I got over the fact of being scared to be with Justin and let my walls come down, I fell so in love with him. I remember telling his cousin Carey after our Halloween bout October 30th, that I was falling in love with Justin. I was pretty intoxicated, but they say when you are drunk, you are honest. Well, I must have been telling the truth! I do remember the conversation that Justin and I had and I told him I wasn't sure about us and if we were going to work, then we needed to work on some stuff together. He was upset and said he didn't know what to say. I feel bad for that now, but on the other hand, I was glad I said something because we worked things out and our relationship was pretty good. Of course we had our little spats, but for the first few months, it was just bliss. That's the only way I can describe it. I had never felt that way about anyone and it felt so good to finally be in love. He would do little things for me that I thought were really sweet and made me feel so speical. He had come home during the week because I think they had got rained out where ever they were, and when he came and picked me up from work that day, he reached in the back seat and handed me some flowers. They weren't just any flowers, they were my favorite and my favorite color. No one had ever done that for me before. I don't know how many places he had to go or whatever, but all I know is that he did little stuff like that for me all the time, and he took such good care of me. Ok, ok, he spoiled me, and I loved it. He didn't spoil me with material things, he spoiled me with love. He would cook dinner, make my plate and drink for me, treated my son like he was his own, and we told each other we loved each other so much and so often.

I know that I fell for him the first night I met him, but I couldn't tell you when I actually fell in love with him, or when I realized that I wanted to marry him, but I did, and it was real. I had thought in the past that I wanted to be with a couple of guys for the rest of my life, but nope. It never felt like this. I wish that we would have just gotten married back in December when he called me one night and said, "let's just do it this weekend....get a marriage liscense this week and we'll go when I get home." I know there is nothing I can do about it now, but that weighs on my mind sometimes. I wanted to be his wife, and build a house together like we talked about, not let HIM build it for me, but be there side by side building a house with our own two hands. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. I remember someone telling me when I was talking about all this about 2-3 weeks after we met, and in their little young, immature head, said, 'don't you think it's a little soon to start talking about all that?' Actually, no, I didn't. I had always heard that when you find "the one", you know, deep in your heart and soul, and we knew. He was the first guy I ever trusted. I might have seen him 4 days out of a month, and that was hard sometimes because I would be going through something and just wanted him to be here to hold me and kiss my forhead and tell me it was  going to be ok. Although, over the Christmas/New year holiday, we almost killed each other being together for a week and a half...ha, but I found out the next week that I was pregnant, so I was definitely on edge more than usual. I know it's kind of personal, but Justin would tell me all the time that he was pretty sure he wasn't able to have kids because he had never had a past girlfriend get pregnant. So, I knew that we wanted to have at least one more child in the future, so I almos begged him to get checked out when his insurance finally kicked in in Feb. I was just as surprised as he was when I found out I was pregnant, but we were both so happy and couldn't wait to have this baby together. I kind of went off on a tagent....let's get back to me trusting him. He was gone most of our relationship, so I really had to trust him, and I did. I told him one night while he was away that for ME to trust him was a big deal because I had never trusted anyone besides my dad and brothers. He and I had both not been treated that great in the past, so we both had reason to not trust each other, but we did. He would tell me sometimes that he thought he loved me more than I loved him, but I know that's not true, and at some points I think that I trusted him more than he trusted me. I loved that boy with every fiber of my being, and trusted him as well. I know he loved me and trusted me becasue friends I have met after he passed away said that anytime they talked to him, me and the baby were all the talked about.

I want to remember all the good things, and there weren't hardly any bad things, and I wouldn't even call them bad. We got in a few arguments, but we always came back and talked about them and fixed whatever we needed to fix. That is what I loved aobut our relationship. We took blame for what we had done wrong, and talked things out wth each other. We didn't stay mad at each other or let things build up until it was too late.

I knew he loved me for a fact when we went shopping at midnight on Thanksgiving night. We had Thanksgiving with my family, then went to his parents house that evening. I have never shopped on Black Friday, but they were having this midnight sale at Wal-Mart, and some stuff Brayden wanted for Christmas was on sale for pretty cheap. He and I were exhausted and were about to fall alseep on the couch, but we got up and went to Wal-Mart at 11:30 that night, and I remember telling him that I knew he loved me because most guys would have not gone with a girl they had pretty much just started dating, to get Christmas gifts for her son. I will never forget all the things he did for me and Brayden, and the stuff he sacrificed to give us and his daughter a good life. Justin was a good man, a kind and loving man. He would have done anything for anyone. He and I both had some problems in the past, but who doesn't have a few bumps in the road. I think at some point, you just learn what really matters. Having a family and being together was what was most important to us. It's been 3 weeks since Justin passed away, and it's feels like it's been one long day. Yes, I have slept, and gotten back into some normal routine, but things will never seem normal without him. I miss him so much and for the next few months, all I will have are our memories together, but I cannot wait to hold my little baby that we were blessed with. No matter what has happened in the past, I will keep my head up and be the best mom to my babies. Justin would want that, and I will honor his memory by being a great mom, and being as positive as I can be. I want my kids to love life like Justin did. He was definitely more positive than I was, so I am taking that with me from all this. Head up, think positive, and treat others like I would want to be treated. It's hard sometimes, but I can do it and I can teach my little ones to be that way too! Love you Justin and thank you for being in my life.

Sleepy, sleepy

March 10th, 2011
7:22 pm

I slept until almost 7 this morning, which hasn't been my norm lately. I set my alarm every morning, but wake up about 20-30 minutes before and just lay there in the dark and talk to Justin, and usually cry a little bit. Ya know, that sounds really sad, but I think it's just part of my process. Yes, I miss him and wish he was here, and to some extent have given up and don't really care too much about anything. I'm just being honest here. i have been strong, but this week has been my week to not give a shit. I almost got fired from my job.....that's another story.....and all I wanted was to call Justin and talk to him, but I couldn't do that. He always sided with me when it came to other people, even if I was wrong. I know he loved me so much and I will always carry that with me. We could lie in bed and he would grab my face so I looked right at him and he would tell me how much he loved me. A few times he said that he thought he loved me more than I loved him, but I really don't think he knew how much I loved him and still do, and always will. I know I have written about it before, but he taught me so much, and mostly he taught me to love. He also taught me to not fear anything, especially dying. I used to almost OBSESS everyday about dying and what would happen to my son, my family, everything. I was so scared to die, to leave everything and everyone I knew, but I'm not afraid anymore. I love my child, and soon to be children, and I love my family, but it is so hard for me to imagine my life without the man that I fell in love with. Sometimes I would rather die and be with him....please don't tak that the wrong way, because I am not thinking about killing myself or anything drastic like that, but it is just where I am at. I miss him every day, all day, and I wonder when I will not cry anymore, but I'm sure that will be a long time, and it's ok.

On a happy note, I am about 14 weeks pregnant, so it won't be long before I can find out what this little jumping bean is. I have a feeling it's a boy, and I pray that God blesses me with another little boy, but I will be happy with whatever it is because it's Justin's baby and I'm so happy that I have his little legacy growing inside of me :-) I know he would have been the best father, and I know that he will be our little one's guardian angel. He was so good to me, and I feel like I took that for granted. He definitely spoiled me, and made me realize I deserved only the best, and he was the best to me. We were the best to each other. I would have done anything for him, even given my life. I think at points I am still in shock, and right now, I kind of am.

He would usually come home every weekend or every other weekend, or I would go visit him where he was working, so Friday-Sunday is pretty hard for me. I expect him to come home on Friday still, but I know it will never happen. I really miss the text we used to send.....Guess what?....he would say, and I would say...What??....even though I knew he was going to text me back.....I love you so much. I miss him telling me how beautiful I am, every single day. He texted me every morning, Good morning beautiful.....he made me feel so special, every day, no matter what. I was so insecure before I met him, well, it had gotten better because of derby. I realized that I could be tough and pretty at the same time. I have always been a tough girl. When Justin and I first told each other that we loved each other, I couldn't believe in all honesty that someone could love me. I don't think I'm the easiest person to love. I have issues, just like everyone, so of course I didn't think that I deserved to be loved. I don't remember the date or anything, but I remember texting him and telling him that I was pretty sure I was falling in love with him, and he called me and said, Awe babe, I love you too, and when he came home that weekend it was really great and almost magical. That is such a cheesy word, but that's the only thing I could think of. I met him at the door and we kissed and we looked at each other and he said, I love you, and of course I said it back and just smiled. There was a smile he told me he loved so much because he knew that I was happy and for me to be happy made him happy. And I was so happy with him. I felt like my life was finally complete. I had everything I needed or could want. My son, a decent job for once, that I had been at for a year, a great man at my side and had finally started getting my emotions in check. The other day I thought to myself if I would ever be happy again, and I think I will be happy, but I will never be as happy as I was with him. My kids will make me happy, I know that, but losing your first REAL love is the hardest thing I think anyone could go through. You have a connection with your children and your family that you don't have with anyone else, but when you find that one person that your soul connects with on a totally different level, a part of you dies when they leave and are gone forever. I will probably live to be 80 or so, and I just can't belive that the next 50+ years will be without him. I know it's just one day at a time, but it's hard sometimes. I had my life planned with him, could see myself growing old with him, and just didn't even think twice about something like this happening so soon.

I really wanted to help people with this blog, and be positive and encouraging, but I am just hurting pretty bad this week. Pretty soon it will be a month, then 6, then a year that he will be gone, then 10 and it just makes me so mad sometimes. Brayden told me yesterday that we was mad and I asked why. He said, 'because I want my daddy back'....it broke my heart, and I told him I wanted him back too. It just doesn't seem fair to anyone that loved him. To us, his family, his daughter, his friends. Why couldn't he have lived to be an hold man? That's a question that won't be answered for a really long time, and I'm ok with waiting. I told him the other day that I would wait for him, and I'm just at that point. The thought of another man even THINKING about me makes me sick to my stomach. Justin was my one true love, and I just don't think I could ever love anyone like I loved him. He has my heart forever. We had a good life together, even if it was for a short time. I loved him madly and deeply, and I am grateful that I got to feel that kind of love in my life. He was the best thing besides my son that ever happened to me, and I am so glad that he was who he was.

So, I'm starting to make a mental of list of things I am going to or wanting to do after the baby is born (because some of them I can't do being pregnant). If I have learned one thing, it's not to be afraid of life. So, I'm pretty sure that I want to sky dive. I am terrified of heights, but why should I be? Why should I be afraid of anything. Justin wasn't afraid of life. If all the drugs and massive amounts of alcohol I consumed in my life haven't killed me yet, then why not go out on a limb and so things that are going to give me a rush like sky diving, or auditioning for American Idol? ha ha. What I'm trying to say is that, I'm going to live my life because you never know when it will end. I am going to be a mother to my children first and foremost, but I am not going to sit around feeling sorry for myself because I don't have Justin. He wouldn't want me to do that, so I won't. I love you Justin Burns and everything that you gave me. I'll see you again someday and we can be happy together forever and ever.

Tough Day

March 6th, 2011
7:19 pm

Wow, today was one of the toughest days I have had since the wake and funeral. I can't really explain why, I just know that it's been rough today. I feel like I haven't really been there for my son today because I have been wrapped up in my own sorrow, and for that I don't feel like the best mom.....but I know that there are mothers out there that do much worse, so I will not dwell on today too much. We went to the Mardi Gras parade, and I was not ready for that. I don't like big crowds in the first place, and I saw families, dads with their kids, and it broke my heart. Justin was so excited about our baby. We use to lay on the couch or in the bed and he would kiss my stomach and rub it and he would ask how his beautiful pregnant girlfriend was feeling. I miss that so much. He was such a good man to me. He would drive down to the store for me and get me a diet coke, or something to eat if we didn't have it at the house. I feel like I took things he did for me for granted because I felt like they would happen for a really long time. I know he knows how much I apprecited him, and I did more than he will ever know.

I have had a few dreams where he has broken up with me and started dating other girls like in the same day, and I beg for him to come back to me and tell him I can't live without him and how much I love him, and I feel that way, like I won't be able to live my life without him. I know he would want me to be happy and live a good life for me and the babies, but at this point, it's just so hard to imagine my life without the man that I love. I am not trying to be all negative and everything, this is just how I feel at this point. There is a song by Mumford and Sons, and one of the lines is, find strength in pain, and I am really trying that. I'm really going to try and have a better week at work, and take people's attitudes and ignorance with a grain of salt. Justin always tried to calm me down and make me feel better about stuff that was bothering me and he did a pretty good job, so I have just been trying to think of what he would say or do for me when I got down.

I know at some point, I will not be sad every day, but right now, maybe not all day, I get pretty sad. I am going to call it a night and take some deep breaths and just try and be ok with what is going on in my life. All I know is that I am being given the strength from God to get up everyday and live my life. Some people never get any better from losing people they love and end up really super depressed or crazy, and I don't want to do either of those things. I will miss my love for the rest of my life but I know deep down in my soul, we will be together again and be happy for eternity.....at least that is what is getting me through each day.

Nothing

March 4th, 2011
7:49 pm

I havent blogged in a few days because I have been so tired and pretty much gone to bed pretty early. What should I write about tonight.....not really sure. I am definitely glad that it's Friday and I get to spend a few days away from work. I don't feel like I am really there when I am there, I am just going through motions. Nothing feels real anymore, it's strange. Justin would usually be getting home about now if he was able to come home on the weekend. I really miss talking to him and telling each other that we couldn't wait to see each other. I really miss laying with him and talking about the future and then falling asleep with our feet wrapped together. He was the only person I was ever able to fall asleep with like that. I always had to have my own space, even with Brayden, I can't really cuddle with him to fall asleep. I miss everything.

Today was an ok day. I think people think I am ok because I don't walk around with a long face, but news flash I AM NOT OK. And I get asked at least once a day if I am ok....and I'm getting to the point that I just want to say NO!!!!!!!!!!! I AM NOT, SO STOP ASKING. I know that they are just trying to be nice, but it's really not helping. I made a decision after Justin passed away that I was going to take what people had to say with a grain of salt, because people tend to say really stupid shit, excuse my language, for some reason when you are mourning the loss of a loved one. I think it is because they are not going through it and they think that you should be over it after you bury the person. Well, second news flash, death is hard, and I may take 15 years to be ok, so think about what you say before you say, or just keep your stupid mouth shut. I especially love when people tell me I look WAYYYYY more pregnant than 12 weeks. Just keep that to yourself. I already have enough to think about without having to think, oh great, I look 6 months pregnant already and I'm not even 4. ANYWAY....you know, today was not ok, today was crap, and all I want is to have Justin here to talk to face to face and have him tell me it's all going to be ok and that he loves me, and we are going to be happy together forever. I guess I am a litte angry right now, but I have a right to be and I am not going to apologize to anyone for it.

I think at some point things will feel real  and normal again, and I am scared about that. Everyday that goes by is one more day away from Justin and that hurts me so bad.

On a good note, his family has been so good to me and Brayden and I am so blessed and grateful that I met Justin and became part of his family. Even when everything around me seems like it's not ok, I know deep down inside that it's really all ok and instead of getting angry, I should just keep my head up and not worry about what anyone says, or thinks, or how stupid they are. There is a line from The Avett Brothers song Head Full of Doubt and it goes "if you are loved by someone, you're never rejected." I was loved by Justin, and I am loved by his family and mine and a few select friends that I am lucky to have. No matter what happens, I have that love, and no one can take that from me. I am getting tired. It's my time to go settle down and talk to Justin.

So much to say

March 1st, 2011
8:12pm

I don't really know what to blog about tonight. This morning was really tough, and I'm not really sure why. When I got to work, I sat in my car and sobbed, and had to really talk myself into getting it together. I think I am still in shock and every now and then I realize what has really  happened. The day got a little better, and I really am blessed to have the friends I have because I wouldn't be able to get through this without them. My friend Brooke and I talked for a long time at lunch and she said something to me that made me feel better and something I had not thought about. We were talking about God's plan and how we don't know what it is and it is our time when it is our time and it was Justin's time although as humans we don't want it to be "their time" when people leave us. But what she said really made alot of sense to me. Justin was taken so suddenly, and so tragically, BUT she said, God took him and maybe saved him from something else worse happening. I have dealt with death alot in my young life. Family and friends that have been taken suddenly and taken after a long illness. Either way it is hard, but I can say that I have found comfort in the fact that when someone dies so quickly, the do not suffer. I can remember watching my father deteriorate from this strong, almost "superman" strength person to someone that had to have EVERYTHING done for them. That was hard, and I can say that if Justin would have gotten sick or even been a vegetable for the rest of his life, I would have taken care of him because he was my love, and my life, next to my son.

Today was also hard because where I work is an open floor plan, which means that we don't have separate rooms where we work on patients, so we are basically in one big room and can hear pretty much everything that goes on. I hear mom's telling the doctor's about their plans for their children, and girl's talking about marriage plans, etc., and it just breaks my heart in a million pieces because I know I will never have that with Justin. I'm sort of in a state of not understanding why these sorts of things keep happening to me and people I love. I don't understand why my dad had to be taken and will never be able to see my children grow, or the rest of his grand kids, or even his own children grow into adulthood. I don't understand why Justin had to be taken away from his parents after they have already lost 2 children and why was he taken when he and I were making all these plans to spend the rest of our lives together? It doesn't do any good to question, so I really try not to do so, but I still don't understand.

I will admit at this point that I have seen the first two Twilight movies, and I have read the first book...and I don't remember which movie it's from, but Bella has a dream about her being really old and Edward still being young and she wakes up freaking out and wants Edward to turn her into a vampire so they will always be the same age. I felt like that today as I was crying.....if I live to be an old lady and my soul is old, Justin will be young and will not want me anymore when I get to see him again. But then I thought about, who really knows what "age" our souls are. We think of the people we love, their souls being the age they are when they die, but who really knows. Maybe when I meet my maker, I will be the age I am now so Justin and I can always be happy like we were when he passed away. I know it sounds crazy, and I don't care if it does, but it's just what I thought and felt today.

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. The week is almost over, and I am happy for that. I am kind of ready to not be around too many people and I am ready to take my baby boy to the Mardi Gras parades this weekend in town. I need to call it a night....today was emotionally draining, but I will pray for the strength to make it through another day without Justin. I know there is a rainbow on the other side of this storm, but I am not ready to find it yet.

Where you invest your love, you invest your life

Feb. 28th, 2011
7:52pm

Today was my first day back at work....it was ok. I like my job, and I like helping people feel better about themselves....I am an ortho assistant, and I really enjoy helping people feel better about themselves when they get their braces off. Anyway, I got to see my baby doctor today, and she made me feel alot better about the baby. I wasn't THAT worried, but I was. I felt like I put alot of stress on the baby last week, and I was concerned. She did a sonogram, and although I didn't hear the baby's heart beat, I got to see the little jumping bean move and see it's little heart beat. It will be a few more months until I find out the sex, but either way I will be happy because it's Justin's baby.

I am so emotionally drained tonight. On the way home from eating with my mom, I just felt like my world has fallen apart. I haven't felt that way yet. I have stayed strong and said I feel ok, but deep down inside, I am dying. I loved Justin so much, still do, and I just can't believe he is really gone. We used to tell each other that we couldn't wait to grow old together, and I never doubted that wouldn't happen. I could see us sitting in rocking chairs on the front porch of the house we were giong to build together, holding hands and just being happy to be next to each other. I think I am on the fence of being kind of mad, but I just can't bring myself to be that way because death is a part of life, and I don't want to be mad at God like I was when dad passed away. God has given me this precious child, he gave me Justin, and he gave me love like I never thought I would be able to find. My mom told me the day of Justin's wake, It is better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all. I have "lost"  boyfriends in the past due to break-ups, but I didn't really care about any of those guys the way I cared about Justin, and I probably will never care about anyone like that ever again, and I am really ok with that. I feel fortunate to have had what I had with Justin and I am content to have known what being in love feels like, and I just don't think anyone could ever love me the way he did.

I am about to call it a night, it's been a long day. I get to go snuggle with the best snuggle bunny....my Brayden bear. I'm so lucky to have him in my life. He has been so sweet and anytime he has seen me cry, he just hugs me and that makes me feel so loved. Justin loved Brayden too and really helped him become the little person he is right now. I don't think Brayden would be pooping on the potty if it wasn't for Justin!!!

Anyway, for the most part, I am keeping my chin up and staying positive for the little jumping bean in my belly. This is my gift from Justin to his family and friends and I will do EVERYTHING in my power to have the healthiest baby possible.

What a great day!

Feb. 27, 2011
7:48 pm

Well, February is almost over, and along with November, it has become one of my lest favorite months. I only cried about 4 or 5 times today, but all in all it was a great day! I woke up around 4:45, stayed up for a little bit, then fell back asleep for about an hour or so. When I woke up, I woke up with a smile. Justin came to me in my dreams. All I remember is that he was driving my car, and we pulled up to this empty space for lease and he should be where his new Karate place was going to be.....and no, Justin didn't do Karate...then for some reason, I was following him in a car and he was driving mine. I just remember the window was down and I leaned in and told him I loved him, and his eyes were SSSOOOOO blue. Justin had THE most beautiful eyes I had ever seen. They were blue, but around the iris, they were gold, and I pray to God our baby has his beautiful eyes!

Brayden and I got ready and went to Pitt Grill around 8am to eat pancakes....he loves his pancakes!!!! After that we took a road trip to Natchitoches to be with Justin's family for a birthday celebration. It was a little rough driving up there because I really wanted Justin to be with us, and of course I was thinking about last weekend and our last drive to Natchitoches together, and I let out some tears. I really try and not cry in front of Brayden, but I guess he knew what was going on, and he started getting upset and said he missed his daddy, and I told him I missed him too.

The rest of the day, however, was GREAT!!!! We had such a good time with the family. Brayden got to take his first boat ride, and I jumped in a pool that I'm pretty sure was 30 degrees!!!!! It was nice to be around family and feel all the love that was felt. We all miss Justin so much, but as we carry on with our lives, he is right here wth us every step of the way.....speaking of!!!.....Brayden and I went back to Mrs. Charlene and Mr. Jerry's house so I could bathe little man after the party was over at Aunt Pat's. My son saw something, and got a little scared. I'm pretty sure Justin was in the house and Brayden saw him because he kept telling me he wanted to go back outside. It was just Brayden and I in the house, so I'm not sure what else he could have seen. In a way, I am kind of jealous because of course I would give anything to see the love of my life again.

On the way home, I was listening 105.5, the oldies country radio station, and I swear every song, until commerical was about love lasting forever or missing the one you love. I just smiled and told Jusitn how much I loved.

I go back to work tomorrow, and I have to admit, I am NOT looking foward to it. I think routine will be good, but I really don't want to be around a bunch of people and I really don't want to break down like a big baby, but I think it may happen, and I think everything will be fine. I get to go see the doctor at 8 and check on the baby, and I think that will be a really good thing :) I know Justin will be right there with me. I told his mom and my mom that when I have the baby, I really want to be in the room by myself because Justin was going to be in there with me, and I know he will be there while his sweet baby is being born. Today was a good day an I'm very happy that it was!

One week

I was dreading this day. Every night I realize I am one more day away from Justin. I can't believe it's already been a week since he passed away. Justin loved MMA fighting, and they are doing something like that tonight at the Coliseum, and I was going to buy us tickets to surprise him with and go tonight. I thought about still going, but I don't think I could enjoy myself. I feel like I am slipping into a depression, and I REALLY, REALLY don't want to do that. Justin wouldn't want me to do that. I am going to the doctor on Monday so they can just check the baby and make sure everything is still ok, and she is going to help me find grief counseling. I think I need it. I want to be strong, and I have been, but I know myself, and at some point, I will have a breakdown. I was remembering the other day that I went straight to rehab after my dad died and got lots of help for 28 days. So, I mentioned my problems with drugs, but didn't elaborate on it. I guess now would be a good time for that.

By the time I was 20, I had consumed enough drugs to kill a small horse, and my mom told me that she didn't think I would make it to 21, but 8 years later, I am still here. I started drinking when I was 13, and it was harmless, and honestly, I didn't even enjoy it. I smoked pot for the first time when I was 14, and from there it just progressed into something I could no longer control. Drugs made me forget about everything for just a little while. Forget the hate I had for myself and for everyone around me. I contemplated suicide so many times, and now I am so grateful I never went through with it. That is not the answer, and if you can just make it through the storm, I promise there is a rainbow on the other side. So, my dad died November 17th, 2003 and I went to rehab 2 weeks to the day he died. Of course, the first day, I was like everyone else their first day of rehab....I didn't have a problem, it was everyone else with the problem. Over the next few weeks, I learned alot about myself and what a horrible person I had been, and it wasn't because I was a bad person, it was because I was a sick person, body and soul. I stayed sober for 2 1/2 years, and after I had lived in Nashville for a little while, I had a 3 month relapse and finally got sober again. Shortly after I got sober, I met Brayden's dad, thought I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, but soon realized he was a crazy man. I left Nashville 3 months pregnant and never looked back. I really truly believe my son is what really saved my life. God knew I needed something to straighten me out for good. I took my first drink almost 2 years ago, and yeah, I messed up a bit, but finally grew up and realized that my life with my son was more important than anything. Of course, not right now, but I do enjoy my adult beverages every now and then. I just think I finally grew up, and I have my head on my shoulders MOST of the time.

I used to think that life was nothing but a party, and that was all that mattered, but I have found over the last few years, and especially the last few months that's not the case. I was so content with sitting on the couch with Justin or being at his parents on the river, not even talking, just being around each other. I think when you really, truly find the "one" you are suppose to be with, you are just comfortable around them and don't have to feel like you have to entertain them all the time or vice versa. Am I upset that I lost that? Of course! But I am so happy that I got to spend the last few months of his life with him. I am so happy that we both got to feel what true love feels like, because neither one of us had ever, truly felt that before. You can think you are in love with someone, and I had thought I was once before, but it is true what they say, when you know, you know. Justin and I had not been together very long, and we started talking about marriage, and I just KNEW he was the one. I used to just sit and stare at him on the couch and he would look at me and say...What?!....I told him, I just couldn't stop looking at him because he was so handsome. It was like a magnetism between us. I literally FELT electricity when we just held hands, or even looked in his eyes.

Justin texted me EVERY single morning, Good morning beautiful hope you have a good day, I love you.....I miss that so much because it let me know every single day how much I was loved, and that is important. If you love someone, let them know everyday that you care. Your children, family, friends, whoever....but LET the know.

Time is the only thing that will heal all of us that miss Justin. I still miss my dad, and especially when I look at my son and think about how much my dad would have loved that little angel. I know he is loving him from afar, but it's not the same. I told Justin's mom yesterday that when I have our baby, I want to be alone in the room because Justin was going to be in there with me, and I know he will still be there in spirit. I may be too strong willed at time, but I just feel like I have the strength to carry on with my life, and I am not going to sit around and feel sorry for myself. He never let me do that when he was here, and I know he doesn't want me to do that now. If you have ever found yourself in a situation similar to mine, know that you are not alone, and you can find strength, I promise.

At this moment, I hate silence

2.25.2011
8:50 am


I have felt in the last few days that mornings are the worst. Most mornings this week, after I have dropped my son off at school, I come home to an empty quiet house. My boyfriend worked on the road, so he was here maybe 2 weekends a month, but I still for some reason hate the silence when I return home. All of his stuff is still in my house, and that is hard too. I know over the years with my dads passing, that a smell, an object, a song, or just something totally random will make me miss my dad alot, and possibly even cry.

The night Justin died, my mom and brother were at the hospital with me and my mom drove me back home. When we got in the car, it still smelled like Justin's cologne and that was really rough. For some reason this morning, when I got back in my car after I dropped B at school, it smelled like him again, but this time it was what he smelled like when he came home from work. It's a very distinctive smell....gritty, and dirty, but I liked it. I want to believe so bad that he is here with me in spirit. I do to a certain extent, but as humans we have to be able to touch and see something to believe it's real. I believe in God, so I guess I should totally believe he is here. I have this lamp that I haven't changed the bulbs in months....before I ever met Justin, and I FINALLY changed the bulbs yesterday, and after a little while, it just came on by itself. I wasn't scared or freaked out. I knew Justin was here with me. He was the light of my life. He was my other reason for living besides my son, but I will not stop living my life because he is here. I have made a vow to him and myself that I am going to be the best mother to our babies as I can be. That was one thing that attracted me to Justin first off. He interacted with kids so well, and took to my son like Brayden was his own flesh and blood. Brayden finally asked him a little while back if Justin was his daddy, and instead of Justin getting freaked out and avoiding the situation, he said "yeah buddy, I am" and that WAS Brayden's daddy. Justin told me he loved the way Brayden said his name because it was so cute....Brayden would say Jush-shin :) it is cute!

Justin opened my eyes and taught me that we need to just go with the flow. He always just wanted whatever made everyone else happy, and that made him happy. I want to live my life that way. It doesn't always have to be about what I want or even need. Life is not about being right or wrong, and I know this sounds totally hippie and cliche, but all you really need in life is love. To be surrounded by love and positive people will make you the happiest. Justin would call me negative Nancy sometimes, and he was right. I looked at the world in the wrong way. Justin had just bought some sunglasses last week when we was working in Mississippi, and he left them in my car. My mom and I went to visit his family the day after he passed at his parents house in Natchitoches, and I wore the sunglasses. After I had been wearing them awhile, I realized how much more blue the sky was, and green the grass was, and I silently asked him if this was the way he saw the world? Brighter than I could have ever seen it, and did he want me to see what he saw, and I think he did. I hate the tragedy had to change me the way it has, but I am on the other hand grateful because I have finally CHANGED and I feel like a better person from having Justin in my life.

I have not, and hopefully will not start to feel sorry for myself, have "pity parties" and ask, why me? That is wasteful and will not do anything good for me or my babies. And I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. I loved Justin with everything that I had, and I still love him with everything I have, and what's amazing is that at certain points throughout the day, I can still FEEL his love the way I felt it when we were close to each other. He knew how strong I was and knew how capable I was of taking care of two little lives on my own. When we first started dating, he said, "please don't take this the wrong way, but I have never dated someone like you" I asked what was that suppose to mean? he said he had always dated preppy type girls and I was like this rocker punk chick...lol....it was cute, but yeah, we were opposites to some degree, and it worked. I will miss him everyday of my life, but I am so grateful and blessed to have gotten to spend the time with him that i did, and I will hold on to our memories together like they are the last memories I will ever have. I have tried really hard to not think about finding him that night he died, and everything from that point. He did look so peaceful though, and I am glad I was there with him, and that we were with his parents.

I am going to get ready now to run errands and get some things done around the house. One thing I want to do today is go to a jeweler and see if they can set this gumball machine ring I have in silver. There is a story behind that I will share with you quickly. Last Saturday we took the kids to eat at San Luis in Natchitoches, and Justin always bought them stuff out of the little "gumball" machines. Well, my son picked out a plastic ring that was way to big for him, and a tattoo. I had put them both in my purse and totally forgot about them until I was with my mom on the way home after he died. I was digging in my purse for something, and I found the ring. I opened it and put it on my ring finger, and it was too big, so I had it on my middle finger, showed it to my mom and said, well, I finally got my engagement ring! Justin picked on me and told me he was going to buy me an engagement ring out of a gumball machine, and I'm glad I finally got it :)

Justin and I were going to have a commitment ceremony in May, because at this point we couldn't afford to get married, and then we talked about getting married in winter of 2013. I have thought about hyphenating my last name to Wiley-Burns because I will have his child, and as far as I am concerned, he was my husband. We hadn't been dating too long, and I went to visit him in Jackson where he was working, and we talked about getting married and he told me I WOULD be his wife one day. I am ok with the fact that I won't ever get to have a wedding ceremony with him, but I feel like we were already there, and that marriage is just a piece of paper. I have never felt love like that in my life, and I prayed so hard to find it. I am so glad that he was the man I fell in love with, and the man that gave me the gift of a child. I ask for continued prayers, not only for me, but for his family, his friends, and for our baby that has yet to see this world. May this child bring us as much joy and happiness that Justin did.

First Blog....

Feb. 24, 2011
11pm, Thursday

This is my first 'blog'. From the suggestion of a friend, I am going to write this to help people and help myself. So, what is the difference in a 'blog' and LiveJournal....REMEMBER THAT??? That was a retorical question, and all I know is that I am going to write to get what is in me, out of me. Grammar will not be perfect, neither will spelling or punctuation. Sorry mom, you did do a great job of teaching us proper English and skills to go along with it, but as you know, I am still my father's daughter.

Megatron....you may be asking why my blog has been named this, or you may not have even noticed or cared, but regardless, I will explain. I play roller derby, not now because I am 10 weeks pregnant, and I will expalin that later, and Megatron was one of the first names I came up with to used as my alter-ego name. I eventually chose Betty N-Rage after the infamous pin-up Bettie Page. Enough about that....

My name is Meghan. I am 28 years old. I live in Alexandria, Louisiana. My son is almost 4, and his name is Brayden, and like I said, I have one on the way. I would consider myself a widow, although I was never wed. That is the main reason I am doing this blog, to share my pain with you, and to hopefully help one person out there heal. Life is not about giving up and feeling sorry for yourself and what has happened to you, it's about LIVING, that's why it's called LIFE.

February 19th, 2011 was one of  the worst days of my life, the other was November 17th, 2003. I recently lost the man I was going to marry, and 7 years ago I lost the man that gave me life. Along the way, I have had personal tragedy and things I have overcome and I'm damn proud of myself  for doing so.(maybe this is the place that I should have a warning label that language unsuitable for young children may be used).

We can start right there, my past and my drug problem. ::Gasp:: Drugs?? Oh no she didn't! Yep, yep I did. I was in rehab by the time I was 20 years old. I struggled a long time with addiction and finding out who the hell I really was. I overcame the demons and now I am happy for the first time in my life, and have been for about the past year. Finding out who I am is still in the works, but I feel that I am getting closer. My dads death really took a toll on me and I handled it all wrong and have regrets about not being clean when he died. I was not the daughter he raised and the woman he knew I had potential to be. I am so glad that my mother is still here and has seen me grow over the past 7 years into someone she is proud of. I am blessed to have a little boy that saved my life, because without him I would probably still have my face in a pile of cocaine. I just want to get one thing straight.....I am going to be totally honest in this blog because I want to HELP people, not be fake and be like, life has been WONDERFUL my whole time on this earth, so if you feel you cannot handle what I have to say, then feel free to not read what I write.

Losing Justin was the second worst thing that has happened to me, and the pain is still very, very, very fresh. I don't want to blog tonight just on him and our relationship because I have so much to say that I want to spread it out. I will just say that I love him with every ounce of my heart and soul, and he was the 2nd best thing that ever happened to me. Brayden was the first, and he knew that and was ok with it. His love was unconditional, and like none I had ever felt or will probably ever feel again. We are going to have a baby in September, and he was SO excited, and I am so SUPER excited now it's not even funny. I will have a piece of him for the rest of my life and I am so grateful that he left us all this gift. It still doesn't feel real, and it won't for a long, long time, but I know that healing is on the horizon because I healed with my father. I think Love and Pain are the strongest emotions we can feel as humans. But if we didn't have pain, we would never know how love truly feels. Ok, I am getting sleepy and I need to rest for myself and the baby. I will write more soon. Not sure when, but soon.

May peace be within you today and always,
Meghan