Happy Thoughts

March 12th, 2011
7:37 am

Well, so much for sleeping in. I have been up since 6 am, but that's ok! Hopefully I will get a mid-morning nap.

So, most of my blogs haven't been "sad", but I haven't really talked about alot of happy stuff. I don't feel like I have anyway. I miss my love, I know that, but I wanted to talk about our life together, though it was short, it was intense and it was good. Justin was "the one". He and I were definitely different, and when they say opposites attract, they are right. When I first me him, I was still playing for the Cenla Derby Dames, which is roller derby if you are not aware. I was very happy doing that, and had finally found something I was good at besides being a mother. I had moved back here from Nashville in 2006 and was pretty derpressed I had to do so. Alexandria is not a bad place, it's just very closed minded in my opinion and not very diverse. I really loved living in Nashville, but like everything, it had it's downfalls. So, anyway, I was going to school, working, raising Brayden and I didn't really have "my" thing. I played softball at LSUA for a little bit, wanted to join an adult soccer team because I missed playing so much, but I never did it. I was pretty down on myself and didn't have an outlet. A friend of mine asked me last year if I wanted to join a derby team, and without really knowing what it was, I decided to try it out. After the first bout we went to, I was hooked. I wanted to play soooooo freakin' bad. I am not THAT much of a violent person, but I do have a streak in me that I was satisfying with derby.

I met Justin on a Saturday in Natchitoches, and he came back to Alexandria with me the next day and came to see me practice. He saw how tough I was physically, and I think he liked it :-) He realized soon after that I was very independent and touch emotionally, to an extent. I was a litte insecure with him, but he soon made me realize that he was crazy about me. We got to spend alot of time together when we first met because he was still working for Foster. When he went to work for Auger and was on the road, I wasn't sure if we were meant to be together. Like my mother told me, I haven't been very domesticated, and don't do well in relationships. I am 28 years old and have never dated someone for more than 4 months. After I got over the fact of being scared to be with Justin and let my walls come down, I fell so in love with him. I remember telling his cousin Carey after our Halloween bout October 30th, that I was falling in love with Justin. I was pretty intoxicated, but they say when you are drunk, you are honest. Well, I must have been telling the truth! I do remember the conversation that Justin and I had and I told him I wasn't sure about us and if we were going to work, then we needed to work on some stuff together. He was upset and said he didn't know what to say. I feel bad for that now, but on the other hand, I was glad I said something because we worked things out and our relationship was pretty good. Of course we had our little spats, but for the first few months, it was just bliss. That's the only way I can describe it. I had never felt that way about anyone and it felt so good to finally be in love. He would do little things for me that I thought were really sweet and made me feel so speical. He had come home during the week because I think they had got rained out where ever they were, and when he came and picked me up from work that day, he reached in the back seat and handed me some flowers. They weren't just any flowers, they were my favorite and my favorite color. No one had ever done that for me before. I don't know how many places he had to go or whatever, but all I know is that he did little stuff like that for me all the time, and he took such good care of me. Ok, ok, he spoiled me, and I loved it. He didn't spoil me with material things, he spoiled me with love. He would cook dinner, make my plate and drink for me, treated my son like he was his own, and we told each other we loved each other so much and so often.

I know that I fell for him the first night I met him, but I couldn't tell you when I actually fell in love with him, or when I realized that I wanted to marry him, but I did, and it was real. I had thought in the past that I wanted to be with a couple of guys for the rest of my life, but nope. It never felt like this. I wish that we would have just gotten married back in December when he called me one night and said, "let's just do it this weekend....get a marriage liscense this week and we'll go when I get home." I know there is nothing I can do about it now, but that weighs on my mind sometimes. I wanted to be his wife, and build a house together like we talked about, not let HIM build it for me, but be there side by side building a house with our own two hands. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. I remember someone telling me when I was talking about all this about 2-3 weeks after we met, and in their little young, immature head, said, 'don't you think it's a little soon to start talking about all that?' Actually, no, I didn't. I had always heard that when you find "the one", you know, deep in your heart and soul, and we knew. He was the first guy I ever trusted. I might have seen him 4 days out of a month, and that was hard sometimes because I would be going through something and just wanted him to be here to hold me and kiss my forhead and tell me it was  going to be ok. Although, over the Christmas/New year holiday, we almost killed each other being together for a week and a half...ha, but I found out the next week that I was pregnant, so I was definitely on edge more than usual. I know it's kind of personal, but Justin would tell me all the time that he was pretty sure he wasn't able to have kids because he had never had a past girlfriend get pregnant. So, I knew that we wanted to have at least one more child in the future, so I almos begged him to get checked out when his insurance finally kicked in in Feb. I was just as surprised as he was when I found out I was pregnant, but we were both so happy and couldn't wait to have this baby together. I kind of went off on a tagent....let's get back to me trusting him. He was gone most of our relationship, so I really had to trust him, and I did. I told him one night while he was away that for ME to trust him was a big deal because I had never trusted anyone besides my dad and brothers. He and I had both not been treated that great in the past, so we both had reason to not trust each other, but we did. He would tell me sometimes that he thought he loved me more than I loved him, but I know that's not true, and at some points I think that I trusted him more than he trusted me. I loved that boy with every fiber of my being, and trusted him as well. I know he loved me and trusted me becasue friends I have met after he passed away said that anytime they talked to him, me and the baby were all the talked about.

I want to remember all the good things, and there weren't hardly any bad things, and I wouldn't even call them bad. We got in a few arguments, but we always came back and talked about them and fixed whatever we needed to fix. That is what I loved aobut our relationship. We took blame for what we had done wrong, and talked things out wth each other. We didn't stay mad at each other or let things build up until it was too late.

I knew he loved me for a fact when we went shopping at midnight on Thanksgiving night. We had Thanksgiving with my family, then went to his parents house that evening. I have never shopped on Black Friday, but they were having this midnight sale at Wal-Mart, and some stuff Brayden wanted for Christmas was on sale for pretty cheap. He and I were exhausted and were about to fall alseep on the couch, but we got up and went to Wal-Mart at 11:30 that night, and I remember telling him that I knew he loved me because most guys would have not gone with a girl they had pretty much just started dating, to get Christmas gifts for her son. I will never forget all the things he did for me and Brayden, and the stuff he sacrificed to give us and his daughter a good life. Justin was a good man, a kind and loving man. He would have done anything for anyone. He and I both had some problems in the past, but who doesn't have a few bumps in the road. I think at some point, you just learn what really matters. Having a family and being together was what was most important to us. It's been 3 weeks since Justin passed away, and it's feels like it's been one long day. Yes, I have slept, and gotten back into some normal routine, but things will never seem normal without him. I miss him so much and for the next few months, all I will have are our memories together, but I cannot wait to hold my little baby that we were blessed with. No matter what has happened in the past, I will keep my head up and be the best mom to my babies. Justin would want that, and I will honor his memory by being a great mom, and being as positive as I can be. I want my kids to love life like Justin did. He was definitely more positive than I was, so I am taking that with me from all this. Head up, think positive, and treat others like I would want to be treated. It's hard sometimes, but I can do it and I can teach my little ones to be that way too! Love you Justin and thank you for being in my life.