Well, well

April 1st, 2011
12:17 am

I haven't stayed up this late in a really long time. Justin was the one who always wanted to get in bed early, and I was more the night owl, but lately I have been so tired with the pregnancy that 8:30 is the most wonderful time of my day. Anyway, it's been a few weeks since I have blogged because I haven't had a computer. Thanks to Gary and his brother, I have a new laptop, new to me anyway.

I guess I want to talk about what has happened to me emotionally over the last few weeks. I get stronger everyday, but still sad most days. I get up, get ready for work, feed my son, look at myself in the mirror and think, OK, I can do this....put on a decent face and get to reality. I have been thinking about other experiences I have had in my life, the ones that have made me who I am today. Justin's death is the most recent in a long line of things that have impacted my life. It is strange of us as humans to think more about certain things after we have had loss. Let me take example getting this laptop. It's not brand new, I don't even know how old it is, but what does that matter? What does anything physically mean anyway? We can not take anything with us. When we leave, we leave memories and physical things, but those things don't replace us. I'm kind of getting off track....I have really been thinking of how blessed I really am. Tragedy happens everyday, to alot of people, and it can either impact you in a way that makes you turn inward, not want to see the light of day, and trust me, I have wanted to go there many times. I don't have that choice, nor do I want to do that. I am blessed with a beautiful child, and another gift on the way. I have my own apartment with HEAT and AIR, food, clothing, shoes, toothbrush, soap, cleaning supplies, dishes, a car, money for gas, a job, etc, etc....despite EVERYTHING I am blessed. I have seen how people live in South America, when I was in Honduras 6 years ago. Trust me, when we feel like we have NOTHING, we have alot more than most of those people have, even with "nothing". I believe that everything happens to you for a reason....every little thing, every little second of your life has some purpose, and you can either try and look for the good, or stay negative and expect that you will always get negative.

I could be one of those people that just says ya know what, screw this, and give up....but I won't do that, I don't want to do that. I have too much to live for. Who knows when God will call me home, I sure as hell don't, and didn't expect the love of my life to be gone from me so soon. But I do know this, I am not longer afraid, no matter what I have thought about in the past. I have questioned if there was a God, heaven, all of that, like I'm sure alot of people have done, but I know this one thing, whatever happens to me, anyone I leave behind will be ok, eventually. Sometimes I look at my son and I can't believe that some day he will be a man, he will be my age one day, it's crazy. And I would love to be there, for his first day of Pre-school, college, his wedding, his children being born, but let me tell you this, if the good Lord took me tonight, I would be ok. I know that there is good in this world, and there is evil in this world, but I am trying to stick to finding the good, in people, in things, in whatever. I am not saying become blind to bad things, but try not to focus so much on the negative.

I have been so blessed to have had so many different experiences in my life, and yes, some of them have been hard, but I have grown so much from them, and that is the blessing. My brain is getting fuzzy from being so tired. I will write more coherently tomorrow. Today was a good day, and ya know why? Because I got my ass up this morning and told myself that no matter what, it was going to be a good day, and that no one was going to mess it up for me! And that's exactly what happened. I am learning, and it's a great feeling!