Feb. 28th, 2011
7:52pm
Today was my first day back at work....it was ok. I like my job, and I like helping people feel better about themselves....I am an ortho assistant, and I really enjoy helping people feel better about themselves when they get their braces off. Anyway, I got to see my baby doctor today, and she made me feel alot better about the baby. I wasn't THAT worried, but I was. I felt like I put alot of stress on the baby last week, and I was concerned. She did a sonogram, and although I didn't hear the baby's heart beat, I got to see the little jumping bean move and see it's little heart beat. It will be a few more months until I find out the sex, but either way I will be happy because it's Justin's baby.
I am so emotionally drained tonight. On the way home from eating with my mom, I just felt like my world has fallen apart. I haven't felt that way yet. I have stayed strong and said I feel ok, but deep down inside, I am dying. I loved Justin so much, still do, and I just can't believe he is really gone. We used to tell each other that we couldn't wait to grow old together, and I never doubted that wouldn't happen. I could see us sitting in rocking chairs on the front porch of the house we were giong to build together, holding hands and just being happy to be next to each other. I think I am on the fence of being kind of mad, but I just can't bring myself to be that way because death is a part of life, and I don't want to be mad at God like I was when dad passed away. God has given me this precious child, he gave me Justin, and he gave me love like I never thought I would be able to find. My mom told me the day of Justin's wake, It is better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all. I have "lost" boyfriends in the past due to break-ups, but I didn't really care about any of those guys the way I cared about Justin, and I probably will never care about anyone like that ever again, and I am really ok with that. I feel fortunate to have had what I had with Justin and I am content to have known what being in love feels like, and I just don't think anyone could ever love me the way he did.
I am about to call it a night, it's been a long day. I get to go snuggle with the best snuggle bunny....my Brayden bear. I'm so lucky to have him in my life. He has been so sweet and anytime he has seen me cry, he just hugs me and that makes me feel so loved. Justin loved Brayden too and really helped him become the little person he is right now. I don't think Brayden would be pooping on the potty if it wasn't for Justin!!!
Anyway, for the most part, I am keeping my chin up and staying positive for the little jumping bean in my belly. This is my gift from Justin to his family and friends and I will do EVERYTHING in my power to have the healthiest baby possible.
No comments:
Post a Comment