Little Jensen

January 10th 2011 was the day I told Justin I was pregnant with our baby. I actually texted him from work and he texted back, Really? Are you joking?. I asked him why would I joke about something like that, and hold him how happy I was to be pregnant with his baby. He was happy as well, and I was more in love with him than I had been before. My birthday was the next day, and instead of drinking a few cold ones, I had a salad at diet coke with my friends and mom. Justin was still working out of town and I had planned to see him that weekend in Baton Rouge. Saturday morning came and I felt really sick when I got up that morning, but just thought it was morning sickness. I fixed breakfast for me and little man, dozed in and out on the couch, and tried to get myself together before traveling. I ended up vomiting up my breakfast and once again just thought it was morning sickness. I called Justin and told him how shitty I felt, and he told me to not worry about coming, but I am hardheaded and wanted to see him so badly. I felt pretty horrible for the rest of the day, and on the way I remember texting him and telling him he better know how much I loved him because I felt so miserable. He said he knew and he was happy I was coming to visit.
This is going to sound super bratty, and I realize it now, but when I got there, he had not gotten anything for me for my birthday. I was a little upset and I told him so, which was crappy of me. We stopped at a service station at one point while driving around town and while I was in the bathroom he sneakily bought me this card that told me how much he loved me. That was one of the sweetest things he could have done, and was better than any other kind of gift he could have given me. I ended up staying one more night then I was going to and I am so glad I did, because that was the last time I would ever get to visit him out of town. He was always the one getting up super early on Monday mornings and getting to work. Now I was the one getting up at 4 am to drive back to Alexandria for work. At that point I realized I would have sacrificed alot for him at any point because I really like my sleep, and I definitely don't like getting up before the sun is up! He worked so hard to make our lives good, and I know he would have continued that because he told me he would!
Little did any of us know that just about a month later he would be gone, suddenly, tragically and without warning. Today I was thinking about our last day together, and it still feels like it was yesterday. Everything is still so fresh on my mind, all the time. My father has been deceased for almost 8 years, and I can still remember almost every detail of the day he died. When tragic things happen, just like when great things happen, the memories stick with us, I feel like forever. I have blogged about our last day together a few times I believe, so I won't go into much detail, but I remember two specific times that evening where I had never felt so much love for someone, other than my son, than I did with Justin. I never want to forget those feelings, but I know with time they will fade and all I will have left is knowing that I felt them at one point in my life. Several times this week and today, all I could think was that it's been 6 months, half of a year has gone by, and it doesn't seem possible. It doesn't seem possible that I will deliver our baby in 3 weeks and he won't be here physically, but for some reason, I can still see him in the "daddy" scrubs, holding Jensen and having the biggest smile on his face. He wanted nothing more than to the be best dad to his babies, and he was.
He definitely had my heart when he told me, without an conviction, that he wanted to adopt Brayden and make him officially his own son. I had waited for so long for someone to come into our lives and treat Brayden like their own because he deserved that, and still does. No one will ever "take" Justin's place, and when I will be ready to let someone in our lives again is the furthest thing from my mind. Tomorrow is my baby shower, and as much as I am looking forward to it, I am also thinking that it will be emotional for me. I have now gone through two pregnancies alone, and by alone I mean with the father not here. The first one by choice, and that is a WHOLE other blog in itself, and now one that I thought I would go through with the man that I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I call Justin my fiancee, and even though he never got down on one knee with a ring, he WAS the man I was going to marry, and on several occasions we discussed marriage. I sort of miss looking at engagement rings, wedding dresses and decorations for the perfect wedding that I was dreaming of, but I just can't even bring myself to indulge in any of that now. I can see myself walking down the aisle, Justin in his tux looking more handsome that ever and us getting married in the same church my parents did, but that is all it will ever be, me just imagining. On the happiest note, I will be holding our baby in just a few weeks, and I know in my heart and soul that this little life will remind all of us of Justin, and when God put him in my life, this was the plan from the beginning. It may not be what we wanted, but it is what God's will was, and I can't argue with that. We created life, and created a life that will carry with it so many special things, just like any child does really. I have definitely changed over the last 6 months, and alot of things that I thought were super important in life, I just realize they are not. Sometimes I wish I could shake people and make them see what I see, but I know we all see things differently and there is no way I could make you see through my eyes. I have proven beyond a doubt to myself that I am alot stronger than I ever thought possible. The road has been pretty bumpy the last 6 months, and I know that raising two little boys on my own is not going to be an easy task, but I am ready for it and I am ready to show them all the love I possible can muster up. Life is a beautiful journey that is full of ups and downs, and if we look at it the wrong way, we can find alot more downs than ups. I am not saying in anyway that losing Justin was an up, because I realized the other day that I can hardly remember the 3-4months after he died, and I feel like I am just now starting to come back to life in some way. What I am saying is that, for a short period of my life, I got to know what really being loved by another human being, besides family, felt like. I got to know someone with more patience than I think I will ever possibly be able to have, and I was given a child to care for that means so much to so many people. My life has changed so much in the last 10 years, and SOOO much in the last 5. I feel like I am starting to find out who I really am, and it's thanks to all the ups and downs life has thrown my way.