One week

I was dreading this day. Every night I realize I am one more day away from Justin. I can't believe it's already been a week since he passed away. Justin loved MMA fighting, and they are doing something like that tonight at the Coliseum, and I was going to buy us tickets to surprise him with and go tonight. I thought about still going, but I don't think I could enjoy myself. I feel like I am slipping into a depression, and I REALLY, REALLY don't want to do that. Justin wouldn't want me to do that. I am going to the doctor on Monday so they can just check the baby and make sure everything is still ok, and she is going to help me find grief counseling. I think I need it. I want to be strong, and I have been, but I know myself, and at some point, I will have a breakdown. I was remembering the other day that I went straight to rehab after my dad died and got lots of help for 28 days. So, I mentioned my problems with drugs, but didn't elaborate on it. I guess now would be a good time for that.

By the time I was 20, I had consumed enough drugs to kill a small horse, and my mom told me that she didn't think I would make it to 21, but 8 years later, I am still here. I started drinking when I was 13, and it was harmless, and honestly, I didn't even enjoy it. I smoked pot for the first time when I was 14, and from there it just progressed into something I could no longer control. Drugs made me forget about everything for just a little while. Forget the hate I had for myself and for everyone around me. I contemplated suicide so many times, and now I am so grateful I never went through with it. That is not the answer, and if you can just make it through the storm, I promise there is a rainbow on the other side. So, my dad died November 17th, 2003 and I went to rehab 2 weeks to the day he died. Of course, the first day, I was like everyone else their first day of rehab....I didn't have a problem, it was everyone else with the problem. Over the next few weeks, I learned alot about myself and what a horrible person I had been, and it wasn't because I was a bad person, it was because I was a sick person, body and soul. I stayed sober for 2 1/2 years, and after I had lived in Nashville for a little while, I had a 3 month relapse and finally got sober again. Shortly after I got sober, I met Brayden's dad, thought I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, but soon realized he was a crazy man. I left Nashville 3 months pregnant and never looked back. I really truly believe my son is what really saved my life. God knew I needed something to straighten me out for good. I took my first drink almost 2 years ago, and yeah, I messed up a bit, but finally grew up and realized that my life with my son was more important than anything. Of course, not right now, but I do enjoy my adult beverages every now and then. I just think I finally grew up, and I have my head on my shoulders MOST of the time.

I used to think that life was nothing but a party, and that was all that mattered, but I have found over the last few years, and especially the last few months that's not the case. I was so content with sitting on the couch with Justin or being at his parents on the river, not even talking, just being around each other. I think when you really, truly find the "one" you are suppose to be with, you are just comfortable around them and don't have to feel like you have to entertain them all the time or vice versa. Am I upset that I lost that? Of course! But I am so happy that I got to spend the last few months of his life with him. I am so happy that we both got to feel what true love feels like, because neither one of us had ever, truly felt that before. You can think you are in love with someone, and I had thought I was once before, but it is true what they say, when you know, you know. Justin and I had not been together very long, and we started talking about marriage, and I just KNEW he was the one. I used to just sit and stare at him on the couch and he would look at me and say...What?!....I told him, I just couldn't stop looking at him because he was so handsome. It was like a magnetism between us. I literally FELT electricity when we just held hands, or even looked in his eyes.

Justin texted me EVERY single morning, Good morning beautiful hope you have a good day, I love you.....I miss that so much because it let me know every single day how much I was loved, and that is important. If you love someone, let them know everyday that you care. Your children, family, friends, whoever....but LET the know.

Time is the only thing that will heal all of us that miss Justin. I still miss my dad, and especially when I look at my son and think about how much my dad would have loved that little angel. I know he is loving him from afar, but it's not the same. I told Justin's mom yesterday that when I have our baby, I want to be alone in the room because Justin was going to be in there with me, and I know he will still be there in spirit. I may be too strong willed at time, but I just feel like I have the strength to carry on with my life, and I am not going to sit around and feel sorry for myself. He never let me do that when he was here, and I know he doesn't want me to do that now. If you have ever found yourself in a situation similar to mine, know that you are not alone, and you can find strength, I promise.