Sleepy, sleepy

March 10th, 2011
7:22 pm

I slept until almost 7 this morning, which hasn't been my norm lately. I set my alarm every morning, but wake up about 20-30 minutes before and just lay there in the dark and talk to Justin, and usually cry a little bit. Ya know, that sounds really sad, but I think it's just part of my process. Yes, I miss him and wish he was here, and to some extent have given up and don't really care too much about anything. I'm just being honest here. i have been strong, but this week has been my week to not give a shit. I almost got fired from my job.....that's another story.....and all I wanted was to call Justin and talk to him, but I couldn't do that. He always sided with me when it came to other people, even if I was wrong. I know he loved me so much and I will always carry that with me. We could lie in bed and he would grab my face so I looked right at him and he would tell me how much he loved me. A few times he said that he thought he loved me more than I loved him, but I really don't think he knew how much I loved him and still do, and always will. I know I have written about it before, but he taught me so much, and mostly he taught me to love. He also taught me to not fear anything, especially dying. I used to almost OBSESS everyday about dying and what would happen to my son, my family, everything. I was so scared to die, to leave everything and everyone I knew, but I'm not afraid anymore. I love my child, and soon to be children, and I love my family, but it is so hard for me to imagine my life without the man that I fell in love with. Sometimes I would rather die and be with him....please don't tak that the wrong way, because I am not thinking about killing myself or anything drastic like that, but it is just where I am at. I miss him every day, all day, and I wonder when I will not cry anymore, but I'm sure that will be a long time, and it's ok.

On a happy note, I am about 14 weeks pregnant, so it won't be long before I can find out what this little jumping bean is. I have a feeling it's a boy, and I pray that God blesses me with another little boy, but I will be happy with whatever it is because it's Justin's baby and I'm so happy that I have his little legacy growing inside of me :-) I know he would have been the best father, and I know that he will be our little one's guardian angel. He was so good to me, and I feel like I took that for granted. He definitely spoiled me, and made me realize I deserved only the best, and he was the best to me. We were the best to each other. I would have done anything for him, even given my life. I think at points I am still in shock, and right now, I kind of am.

He would usually come home every weekend or every other weekend, or I would go visit him where he was working, so Friday-Sunday is pretty hard for me. I expect him to come home on Friday still, but I know it will never happen. I really miss the text we used to send.....Guess what?....he would say, and I would say...What??....even though I knew he was going to text me back.....I love you so much. I miss him telling me how beautiful I am, every single day. He texted me every morning, Good morning beautiful.....he made me feel so special, every day, no matter what. I was so insecure before I met him, well, it had gotten better because of derby. I realized that I could be tough and pretty at the same time. I have always been a tough girl. When Justin and I first told each other that we loved each other, I couldn't believe in all honesty that someone could love me. I don't think I'm the easiest person to love. I have issues, just like everyone, so of course I didn't think that I deserved to be loved. I don't remember the date or anything, but I remember texting him and telling him that I was pretty sure I was falling in love with him, and he called me and said, Awe babe, I love you too, and when he came home that weekend it was really great and almost magical. That is such a cheesy word, but that's the only thing I could think of. I met him at the door and we kissed and we looked at each other and he said, I love you, and of course I said it back and just smiled. There was a smile he told me he loved so much because he knew that I was happy and for me to be happy made him happy. And I was so happy with him. I felt like my life was finally complete. I had everything I needed or could want. My son, a decent job for once, that I had been at for a year, a great man at my side and had finally started getting my emotions in check. The other day I thought to myself if I would ever be happy again, and I think I will be happy, but I will never be as happy as I was with him. My kids will make me happy, I know that, but losing your first REAL love is the hardest thing I think anyone could go through. You have a connection with your children and your family that you don't have with anyone else, but when you find that one person that your soul connects with on a totally different level, a part of you dies when they leave and are gone forever. I will probably live to be 80 or so, and I just can't belive that the next 50+ years will be without him. I know it's just one day at a time, but it's hard sometimes. I had my life planned with him, could see myself growing old with him, and just didn't even think twice about something like this happening so soon.

I really wanted to help people with this blog, and be positive and encouraging, but I am just hurting pretty bad this week. Pretty soon it will be a month, then 6, then a year that he will be gone, then 10 and it just makes me so mad sometimes. Brayden told me yesterday that we was mad and I asked why. He said, 'because I want my daddy back'....it broke my heart, and I told him I wanted him back too. It just doesn't seem fair to anyone that loved him. To us, his family, his daughter, his friends. Why couldn't he have lived to be an hold man? That's a question that won't be answered for a really long time, and I'm ok with waiting. I told him the other day that I would wait for him, and I'm just at that point. The thought of another man even THINKING about me makes me sick to my stomach. Justin was my one true love, and I just don't think I could ever love anyone like I loved him. He has my heart forever. We had a good life together, even if it was for a short time. I loved him madly and deeply, and I am grateful that I got to feel that kind of love in my life. He was the best thing besides my son that ever happened to me, and I am so glad that he was who he was.

So, I'm starting to make a mental of list of things I am going to or wanting to do after the baby is born (because some of them I can't do being pregnant). If I have learned one thing, it's not to be afraid of life. So, I'm pretty sure that I want to sky dive. I am terrified of heights, but why should I be? Why should I be afraid of anything. Justin wasn't afraid of life. If all the drugs and massive amounts of alcohol I consumed in my life haven't killed me yet, then why not go out on a limb and so things that are going to give me a rush like sky diving, or auditioning for American Idol? ha ha. What I'm trying to say is that, I'm going to live my life because you never know when it will end. I am going to be a mother to my children first and foremost, but I am not going to sit around feeling sorry for myself because I don't have Justin. He wouldn't want me to do that, so I won't. I love you Justin Burns and everything that you gave me. I'll see you again someday and we can be happy together forever and ever.