So much to say

March 1st, 2011
8:12pm

I don't really know what to blog about tonight. This morning was really tough, and I'm not really sure why. When I got to work, I sat in my car and sobbed, and had to really talk myself into getting it together. I think I am still in shock and every now and then I realize what has really  happened. The day got a little better, and I really am blessed to have the friends I have because I wouldn't be able to get through this without them. My friend Brooke and I talked for a long time at lunch and she said something to me that made me feel better and something I had not thought about. We were talking about God's plan and how we don't know what it is and it is our time when it is our time and it was Justin's time although as humans we don't want it to be "their time" when people leave us. But what she said really made alot of sense to me. Justin was taken so suddenly, and so tragically, BUT she said, God took him and maybe saved him from something else worse happening. I have dealt with death alot in my young life. Family and friends that have been taken suddenly and taken after a long illness. Either way it is hard, but I can say that I have found comfort in the fact that when someone dies so quickly, the do not suffer. I can remember watching my father deteriorate from this strong, almost "superman" strength person to someone that had to have EVERYTHING done for them. That was hard, and I can say that if Justin would have gotten sick or even been a vegetable for the rest of his life, I would have taken care of him because he was my love, and my life, next to my son.

Today was also hard because where I work is an open floor plan, which means that we don't have separate rooms where we work on patients, so we are basically in one big room and can hear pretty much everything that goes on. I hear mom's telling the doctor's about their plans for their children, and girl's talking about marriage plans, etc., and it just breaks my heart in a million pieces because I know I will never have that with Justin. I'm sort of in a state of not understanding why these sorts of things keep happening to me and people I love. I don't understand why my dad had to be taken and will never be able to see my children grow, or the rest of his grand kids, or even his own children grow into adulthood. I don't understand why Justin had to be taken away from his parents after they have already lost 2 children and why was he taken when he and I were making all these plans to spend the rest of our lives together? It doesn't do any good to question, so I really try not to do so, but I still don't understand.

I will admit at this point that I have seen the first two Twilight movies, and I have read the first book...and I don't remember which movie it's from, but Bella has a dream about her being really old and Edward still being young and she wakes up freaking out and wants Edward to turn her into a vampire so they will always be the same age. I felt like that today as I was crying.....if I live to be an old lady and my soul is old, Justin will be young and will not want me anymore when I get to see him again. But then I thought about, who really knows what "age" our souls are. We think of the people we love, their souls being the age they are when they die, but who really knows. Maybe when I meet my maker, I will be the age I am now so Justin and I can always be happy like we were when he passed away. I know it sounds crazy, and I don't care if it does, but it's just what I thought and felt today.

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. The week is almost over, and I am happy for that. I am kind of ready to not be around too many people and I am ready to take my baby boy to the Mardi Gras parades this weekend in town. I need to call it a night....today was emotionally draining, but I will pray for the strength to make it through another day without Justin. I know there is a rainbow on the other side of this storm, but I am not ready to find it yet.