Nothing

March 4th, 2011
7:49 pm

I havent blogged in a few days because I have been so tired and pretty much gone to bed pretty early. What should I write about tonight.....not really sure. I am definitely glad that it's Friday and I get to spend a few days away from work. I don't feel like I am really there when I am there, I am just going through motions. Nothing feels real anymore, it's strange. Justin would usually be getting home about now if he was able to come home on the weekend. I really miss talking to him and telling each other that we couldn't wait to see each other. I really miss laying with him and talking about the future and then falling asleep with our feet wrapped together. He was the only person I was ever able to fall asleep with like that. I always had to have my own space, even with Brayden, I can't really cuddle with him to fall asleep. I miss everything.

Today was an ok day. I think people think I am ok because I don't walk around with a long face, but news flash I AM NOT OK. And I get asked at least once a day if I am ok....and I'm getting to the point that I just want to say NO!!!!!!!!!!! I AM NOT, SO STOP ASKING. I know that they are just trying to be nice, but it's really not helping. I made a decision after Justin passed away that I was going to take what people had to say with a grain of salt, because people tend to say really stupid shit, excuse my language, for some reason when you are mourning the loss of a loved one. I think it is because they are not going through it and they think that you should be over it after you bury the person. Well, second news flash, death is hard, and I may take 15 years to be ok, so think about what you say before you say, or just keep your stupid mouth shut. I especially love when people tell me I look WAYYYYY more pregnant than 12 weeks. Just keep that to yourself. I already have enough to think about without having to think, oh great, I look 6 months pregnant already and I'm not even 4. ANYWAY....you know, today was not ok, today was crap, and all I want is to have Justin here to talk to face to face and have him tell me it's all going to be ok and that he loves me, and we are going to be happy together forever. I guess I am a litte angry right now, but I have a right to be and I am not going to apologize to anyone for it.

I think at some point things will feel real  and normal again, and I am scared about that. Everyday that goes by is one more day away from Justin and that hurts me so bad.

On a good note, his family has been so good to me and Brayden and I am so blessed and grateful that I met Justin and became part of his family. Even when everything around me seems like it's not ok, I know deep down inside that it's really all ok and instead of getting angry, I should just keep my head up and not worry about what anyone says, or thinks, or how stupid they are. There is a line from The Avett Brothers song Head Full of Doubt and it goes "if you are loved by someone, you're never rejected." I was loved by Justin, and I am loved by his family and mine and a few select friends that I am lucky to have. No matter what happens, I have that love, and no one can take that from me. I am getting tired. It's my time to go settle down and talk to Justin.