First Blog....

Feb. 24, 2011
11pm, Thursday

This is my first 'blog'. From the suggestion of a friend, I am going to write this to help people and help myself. So, what is the difference in a 'blog' and LiveJournal....REMEMBER THAT??? That was a retorical question, and all I know is that I am going to write to get what is in me, out of me. Grammar will not be perfect, neither will spelling or punctuation. Sorry mom, you did do a great job of teaching us proper English and skills to go along with it, but as you know, I am still my father's daughter.

Megatron....you may be asking why my blog has been named this, or you may not have even noticed or cared, but regardless, I will explain. I play roller derby, not now because I am 10 weeks pregnant, and I will expalin that later, and Megatron was one of the first names I came up with to used as my alter-ego name. I eventually chose Betty N-Rage after the infamous pin-up Bettie Page. Enough about that....

My name is Meghan. I am 28 years old. I live in Alexandria, Louisiana. My son is almost 4, and his name is Brayden, and like I said, I have one on the way. I would consider myself a widow, although I was never wed. That is the main reason I am doing this blog, to share my pain with you, and to hopefully help one person out there heal. Life is not about giving up and feeling sorry for yourself and what has happened to you, it's about LIVING, that's why it's called LIFE.

February 19th, 2011 was one of  the worst days of my life, the other was November 17th, 2003. I recently lost the man I was going to marry, and 7 years ago I lost the man that gave me life. Along the way, I have had personal tragedy and things I have overcome and I'm damn proud of myself  for doing so.(maybe this is the place that I should have a warning label that language unsuitable for young children may be used).

We can start right there, my past and my drug problem. ::Gasp:: Drugs?? Oh no she didn't! Yep, yep I did. I was in rehab by the time I was 20 years old. I struggled a long time with addiction and finding out who the hell I really was. I overcame the demons and now I am happy for the first time in my life, and have been for about the past year. Finding out who I am is still in the works, but I feel that I am getting closer. My dads death really took a toll on me and I handled it all wrong and have regrets about not being clean when he died. I was not the daughter he raised and the woman he knew I had potential to be. I am so glad that my mother is still here and has seen me grow over the past 7 years into someone she is proud of. I am blessed to have a little boy that saved my life, because without him I would probably still have my face in a pile of cocaine. I just want to get one thing straight.....I am going to be totally honest in this blog because I want to HELP people, not be fake and be like, life has been WONDERFUL my whole time on this earth, so if you feel you cannot handle what I have to say, then feel free to not read what I write.

Losing Justin was the second worst thing that has happened to me, and the pain is still very, very, very fresh. I don't want to blog tonight just on him and our relationship because I have so much to say that I want to spread it out. I will just say that I love him with every ounce of my heart and soul, and he was the 2nd best thing that ever happened to me. Brayden was the first, and he knew that and was ok with it. His love was unconditional, and like none I had ever felt or will probably ever feel again. We are going to have a baby in September, and he was SO excited, and I am so SUPER excited now it's not even funny. I will have a piece of him for the rest of my life and I am so grateful that he left us all this gift. It still doesn't feel real, and it won't for a long, long time, but I know that healing is on the horizon because I healed with my father. I think Love and Pain are the strongest emotions we can feel as humans. But if we didn't have pain, we would never know how love truly feels. Ok, I am getting sleepy and I need to rest for myself and the baby. I will write more soon. Not sure when, but soon.

May peace be within you today and always,
Meghan