One Month

March 19th, 2011
9:24 am

I haven't had a change to write in a while, or have just been too tired to do so. This may be my last post for a while because I need a new computer and the one I am on now is a loaner, and they need it back! So...anyway, I don't have anything really specific to talk about today. This week has been kind of hard because March has the exact days as February did, so I kind of almost relived mine and Justin's last week together, this past week.

It was like any other week I guess, but it wasn't at the same time. It was our first Valentine's together, and I was looking forward to many, many more. That has been the hardest thing is knowing I won't make any more memories with him, we won't celebrate any holidays, birthdays, or the birth of our child together. I know he is here in spirit, but it's just hard to not have him here physically. I want to be able to talk to him face to face, ask him how he feels about certain things, but I can't. Of course everyday I think about our life together, but this week I have really been thinking about things and what our life was like together. I am not ashamed to say that I talk to him as much as possible everyday, but like I told him this morning, I really wish I could hear what he had to say about stuff. Like our child's name. He told me a boy's name that he liked and honestly, it could be a boy or a girl's, but how do I know if he would like it to be a girl's name if that's what I end up having. I feel almost guilty for deciding things on my own, but I know in my heart I can't feel that way. Thursday was the worst day this week, and the last week of our life together, Thursday was one of the worst days because we got in a stupid argument that was mostly my fault. This Thursday I laid in my bed that night and talked to him and just cried, like I do alot, but this time I just really let it all out. I told him how I was mad at him for never telling me he had reactions to shellfish in the past and in the same breath I told him how much I loved him and I would never stop loving him. That night as I slept I had a dream with him in it, and he looked so handsome and I was so happy to see him. I don't remember if he said anything, and I don't think he did, but he just smiled at me and I knew he loved me so much. Yesterday I had a half day of work, and took Brayden with me. After I got off work we went and ate then went to the park. I was sitting on the bench watching Brayden play and I just looked straight up in the sky and there was a big cloud that was shaped like a heart. He knew what a shitty day I had Thursday and I feel like in some way he was letting me know that he is still here with me even if he's not "here".

I don't want to have any regrets in my life, but I know now that you should not take anything or anyone in your life for granted because you never know when it will be taken from you. I feel like I took Justin for granted sometimes because I just assumed he would be around for a long time. And what I mean is that, I might not have always said thank you for things he did for me, but in my heart I know he was treating me better than I had ever been treated in my life by a guy. He didn't have to tell me he loved me, he could just look at me and I knew it. I was looking foward to being his wife and the mother of his child. We started saying to each other "love you baby daddy" and "love you baby momma". Sometimes, I wonder why he even loved me because I am not the most pleasend person and don't always think before I speak or act. He loved me despite of my faults and the same went for me. We are all human and all have faults, and to truly fall in love you can't be looking for "mr or ms perfect". When that perfect person comes along, you have to overlook certain things and then you realize how perfect you actually are for each other. I have tried so hard to remember everything we talked about at dinner and on the way home the night he died, and I can't remember everything but I do remember some of what I thought, and I remember on the way home thinking how lucky I was, how in love with him I was, and how perfect we were for each other. I just can't believe it's already been a month that he's been gone. It seems like everyday is an eternity without him and sometimes I just can't imagine living until I'm old without him, but, that's the reality of the situation. Yeah, he might send me someone else to love me and the kids, and for me to love, but I will never love anyone like I loved him, and I don't think that anyone could ever love me the way he loved me. I am content right now in just being alone and possibly being alone for the rest of my life. Knowing that Justin is with me makes me feel better. There are times, especially at night that I can just feel him and feel his love. No matter what happens in my life, I know I can handle it, and that is the attitude I am keeping. He knew how strong I was and I think that is one thing he loved about me. He knew if it came down to it, I could take care of myself, so he wasn't worried about leaving. He knew all of us down here would be ok, and he knew that he would be able to watch over all of us. Justin was a good man and he was on the right track to make a really great life for alot of people. He was a great father and just an all around good soul. I will never forget our good times together, and how much he loved everyone that was in his life. :)