March 6th, 2011
7:19 pm
Wow, today was one of the toughest days I have had since the wake and funeral. I can't really explain why, I just know that it's been rough today. I feel like I haven't really been there for my son today because I have been wrapped up in my own sorrow, and for that I don't feel like the best mom.....but I know that there are mothers out there that do much worse, so I will not dwell on today too much. We went to the Mardi Gras parade, and I was not ready for that. I don't like big crowds in the first place, and I saw families, dads with their kids, and it broke my heart. Justin was so excited about our baby. We use to lay on the couch or in the bed and he would kiss my stomach and rub it and he would ask how his beautiful pregnant girlfriend was feeling. I miss that so much. He was such a good man to me. He would drive down to the store for me and get me a diet coke, or something to eat if we didn't have it at the house. I feel like I took things he did for me for granted because I felt like they would happen for a really long time. I know he knows how much I apprecited him, and I did more than he will ever know.
I have had a few dreams where he has broken up with me and started dating other girls like in the same day, and I beg for him to come back to me and tell him I can't live without him and how much I love him, and I feel that way, like I won't be able to live my life without him. I know he would want me to be happy and live a good life for me and the babies, but at this point, it's just so hard to imagine my life without the man that I love. I am not trying to be all negative and everything, this is just how I feel at this point. There is a song by Mumford and Sons, and one of the lines is, find strength in pain, and I am really trying that. I'm really going to try and have a better week at work, and take people's attitudes and ignorance with a grain of salt. Justin always tried to calm me down and make me feel better about stuff that was bothering me and he did a pretty good job, so I have just been trying to think of what he would say or do for me when I got down.
I know at some point, I will not be sad every day, but right now, maybe not all day, I get pretty sad. I am going to call it a night and take some deep breaths and just try and be ok with what is going on in my life. All I know is that I am being given the strength from God to get up everyday and live my life. Some people never get any better from losing people they love and end up really super depressed or crazy, and I don't want to do either of those things. I will miss my love for the rest of my life but I know deep down in my soul, we will be together again and be happy for eternity.....at least that is what is getting me through each day.
It is still very fresh and bad days are allowed. Please don't feel guilty for that... you need to take care of yourself in order to care for those babies, they will understand that you miss Justin because you will continue to keep his memory alive in them.
ReplyDeleteDreams are strange things sometimes...He does have girls up in heaven to hang with: a sister (Lisa) and cousin (Renee) maybe he was reuniting with them and wanted you to know he was ok and that he hoped one day you would be ok too.
I think of you often even though we don't know each other. I can tell you are a special person and you can get through this with the help of your children and for them :)