2.25.2011
8:50 am
I have felt in the last few days that mornings are the worst. Most mornings this week, after I have dropped my son off at school, I come home to an empty quiet house. My boyfriend worked on the road, so he was here maybe 2 weekends a month, but I still for some reason hate the silence when I return home. All of his stuff is still in my house, and that is hard too. I know over the years with my dads passing, that a smell, an object, a song, or just something totally random will make me miss my dad alot, and possibly even cry.
The night Justin died, my mom and brother were at the hospital with me and my mom drove me back home. When we got in the car, it still smelled like Justin's cologne and that was really rough. For some reason this morning, when I got back in my car after I dropped B at school, it smelled like him again, but this time it was what he smelled like when he came home from work. It's a very distinctive smell....gritty, and dirty, but I liked it. I want to believe so bad that he is here with me in spirit. I do to a certain extent, but as humans we have to be able to touch and see something to believe it's real. I believe in God, so I guess I should totally believe he is here. I have this lamp that I haven't changed the bulbs in months....before I ever met Justin, and I FINALLY changed the bulbs yesterday, and after a little while, it just came on by itself. I wasn't scared or freaked out. I knew Justin was here with me. He was the light of my life. He was my other reason for living besides my son, but I will not stop living my life because he is here. I have made a vow to him and myself that I am going to be the best mother to our babies as I can be. That was one thing that attracted me to Justin first off. He interacted with kids so well, and took to my son like Brayden was his own flesh and blood. Brayden finally asked him a little while back if Justin was his daddy, and instead of Justin getting freaked out and avoiding the situation, he said "yeah buddy, I am" and that WAS Brayden's daddy. Justin told me he loved the way Brayden said his name because it was so cute....Brayden would say Jush-shin :) it is cute!
Justin opened my eyes and taught me that we need to just go with the flow. He always just wanted whatever made everyone else happy, and that made him happy. I want to live my life that way. It doesn't always have to be about what I want or even need. Life is not about being right or wrong, and I know this sounds totally hippie and cliche, but all you really need in life is love. To be surrounded by love and positive people will make you the happiest. Justin would call me negative Nancy sometimes, and he was right. I looked at the world in the wrong way. Justin had just bought some sunglasses last week when we was working in Mississippi, and he left them in my car. My mom and I went to visit his family the day after he passed at his parents house in Natchitoches, and I wore the sunglasses. After I had been wearing them awhile, I realized how much more blue the sky was, and green the grass was, and I silently asked him if this was the way he saw the world? Brighter than I could have ever seen it, and did he want me to see what he saw, and I think he did. I hate the tragedy had to change me the way it has, but I am on the other hand grateful because I have finally CHANGED and I feel like a better person from having Justin in my life.
I have not, and hopefully will not start to feel sorry for myself, have "pity parties" and ask, why me? That is wasteful and will not do anything good for me or my babies. And I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. I loved Justin with everything that I had, and I still love him with everything I have, and what's amazing is that at certain points throughout the day, I can still FEEL his love the way I felt it when we were close to each other. He knew how strong I was and knew how capable I was of taking care of two little lives on my own. When we first started dating, he said, "please don't take this the wrong way, but I have never dated someone like you" I asked what was that suppose to mean? he said he had always dated preppy type girls and I was like this rocker punk chick...lol....it was cute, but yeah, we were opposites to some degree, and it worked. I will miss him everyday of my life, but I am so grateful and blessed to have gotten to spend the time with him that i did, and I will hold on to our memories together like they are the last memories I will ever have. I have tried really hard to not think about finding him that night he died, and everything from that point. He did look so peaceful though, and I am glad I was there with him, and that we were with his parents.
I am going to get ready now to run errands and get some things done around the house. One thing I want to do today is go to a jeweler and see if they can set this gumball machine ring I have in silver. There is a story behind that I will share with you quickly. Last Saturday we took the kids to eat at San Luis in Natchitoches, and Justin always bought them stuff out of the little "gumball" machines. Well, my son picked out a plastic ring that was way to big for him, and a tattoo. I had put them both in my purse and totally forgot about them until I was with my mom on the way home after he died. I was digging in my purse for something, and I found the ring. I opened it and put it on my ring finger, and it was too big, so I had it on my middle finger, showed it to my mom and said, well, I finally got my engagement ring! Justin picked on me and told me he was going to buy me an engagement ring out of a gumball machine, and I'm glad I finally got it :)
Justin and I were going to have a commitment ceremony in May, because at this point we couldn't afford to get married, and then we talked about getting married in winter of 2013. I have thought about hyphenating my last name to Wiley-Burns because I will have his child, and as far as I am concerned, he was my husband. We hadn't been dating too long, and I went to visit him in Jackson where he was working, and we talked about getting married and he told me I WOULD be his wife one day. I am ok with the fact that I won't ever get to have a wedding ceremony with him, but I feel like we were already there, and that marriage is just a piece of paper. I have never felt love like that in my life, and I prayed so hard to find it. I am so glad that he was the man I fell in love with, and the man that gave me the gift of a child. I ask for continued prayers, not only for me, but for his family, his friends, and for our baby that has yet to see this world. May this child bring us as much joy and happiness that Justin did.
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