March 19th, 2011
9:24 am
I haven't had a change to write in a while, or have just been too tired to do so. This may be my last post for a while because I need a new computer and the one I am on now is a loaner, and they need it back! So...anyway, I don't have anything really specific to talk about today. This week has been kind of hard because March has the exact days as February did, so I kind of almost relived mine and Justin's last week together, this past week.
It was like any other week I guess, but it wasn't at the same time. It was our first Valentine's together, and I was looking forward to many, many more. That has been the hardest thing is knowing I won't make any more memories with him, we won't celebrate any holidays, birthdays, or the birth of our child together. I know he is here in spirit, but it's just hard to not have him here physically. I want to be able to talk to him face to face, ask him how he feels about certain things, but I can't. Of course everyday I think about our life together, but this week I have really been thinking about things and what our life was like together. I am not ashamed to say that I talk to him as much as possible everyday, but like I told him this morning, I really wish I could hear what he had to say about stuff. Like our child's name. He told me a boy's name that he liked and honestly, it could be a boy or a girl's, but how do I know if he would like it to be a girl's name if that's what I end up having. I feel almost guilty for deciding things on my own, but I know in my heart I can't feel that way. Thursday was the worst day this week, and the last week of our life together, Thursday was one of the worst days because we got in a stupid argument that was mostly my fault. This Thursday I laid in my bed that night and talked to him and just cried, like I do alot, but this time I just really let it all out. I told him how I was mad at him for never telling me he had reactions to shellfish in the past and in the same breath I told him how much I loved him and I would never stop loving him. That night as I slept I had a dream with him in it, and he looked so handsome and I was so happy to see him. I don't remember if he said anything, and I don't think he did, but he just smiled at me and I knew he loved me so much. Yesterday I had a half day of work, and took Brayden with me. After I got off work we went and ate then went to the park. I was sitting on the bench watching Brayden play and I just looked straight up in the sky and there was a big cloud that was shaped like a heart. He knew what a shitty day I had Thursday and I feel like in some way he was letting me know that he is still here with me even if he's not "here".
I don't want to have any regrets in my life, but I know now that you should not take anything or anyone in your life for granted because you never know when it will be taken from you. I feel like I took Justin for granted sometimes because I just assumed he would be around for a long time. And what I mean is that, I might not have always said thank you for things he did for me, but in my heart I know he was treating me better than I had ever been treated in my life by a guy. He didn't have to tell me he loved me, he could just look at me and I knew it. I was looking foward to being his wife and the mother of his child. We started saying to each other "love you baby daddy" and "love you baby momma". Sometimes, I wonder why he even loved me because I am not the most pleasend person and don't always think before I speak or act. He loved me despite of my faults and the same went for me. We are all human and all have faults, and to truly fall in love you can't be looking for "mr or ms perfect". When that perfect person comes along, you have to overlook certain things and then you realize how perfect you actually are for each other. I have tried so hard to remember everything we talked about at dinner and on the way home the night he died, and I can't remember everything but I do remember some of what I thought, and I remember on the way home thinking how lucky I was, how in love with him I was, and how perfect we were for each other. I just can't believe it's already been a month that he's been gone. It seems like everyday is an eternity without him and sometimes I just can't imagine living until I'm old without him, but, that's the reality of the situation. Yeah, he might send me someone else to love me and the kids, and for me to love, but I will never love anyone like I loved him, and I don't think that anyone could ever love me the way he loved me. I am content right now in just being alone and possibly being alone for the rest of my life. Knowing that Justin is with me makes me feel better. There are times, especially at night that I can just feel him and feel his love. No matter what happens in my life, I know I can handle it, and that is the attitude I am keeping. He knew how strong I was and I think that is one thing he loved about me. He knew if it came down to it, I could take care of myself, so he wasn't worried about leaving. He knew all of us down here would be ok, and he knew that he would be able to watch over all of us. Justin was a good man and he was on the right track to make a really great life for alot of people. He was a great father and just an all around good soul. I will never forget our good times together, and how much he loved everyone that was in his life. :)
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Happy Thoughts
March 12th, 2011
7:37 am
Well, so much for sleeping in. I have been up since 6 am, but that's ok! Hopefully I will get a mid-morning nap.
So, most of my blogs haven't been "sad", but I haven't really talked about alot of happy stuff. I don't feel like I have anyway. I miss my love, I know that, but I wanted to talk about our life together, though it was short, it was intense and it was good. Justin was "the one". He and I were definitely different, and when they say opposites attract, they are right. When I first me him, I was still playing for the Cenla Derby Dames, which is roller derby if you are not aware. I was very happy doing that, and had finally found something I was good at besides being a mother. I had moved back here from Nashville in 2006 and was pretty derpressed I had to do so. Alexandria is not a bad place, it's just very closed minded in my opinion and not very diverse. I really loved living in Nashville, but like everything, it had it's downfalls. So, anyway, I was going to school, working, raising Brayden and I didn't really have "my" thing. I played softball at LSUA for a little bit, wanted to join an adult soccer team because I missed playing so much, but I never did it. I was pretty down on myself and didn't have an outlet. A friend of mine asked me last year if I wanted to join a derby team, and without really knowing what it was, I decided to try it out. After the first bout we went to, I was hooked. I wanted to play soooooo freakin' bad. I am not THAT much of a violent person, but I do have a streak in me that I was satisfying with derby.
I met Justin on a Saturday in Natchitoches, and he came back to Alexandria with me the next day and came to see me practice. He saw how tough I was physically, and I think he liked it :-) He realized soon after that I was very independent and touch emotionally, to an extent. I was a litte insecure with him, but he soon made me realize that he was crazy about me. We got to spend alot of time together when we first met because he was still working for Foster. When he went to work for Auger and was on the road, I wasn't sure if we were meant to be together. Like my mother told me, I haven't been very domesticated, and don't do well in relationships. I am 28 years old and have never dated someone for more than 4 months. After I got over the fact of being scared to be with Justin and let my walls come down, I fell so in love with him. I remember telling his cousin Carey after our Halloween bout October 30th, that I was falling in love with Justin. I was pretty intoxicated, but they say when you are drunk, you are honest. Well, I must have been telling the truth! I do remember the conversation that Justin and I had and I told him I wasn't sure about us and if we were going to work, then we needed to work on some stuff together. He was upset and said he didn't know what to say. I feel bad for that now, but on the other hand, I was glad I said something because we worked things out and our relationship was pretty good. Of course we had our little spats, but for the first few months, it was just bliss. That's the only way I can describe it. I had never felt that way about anyone and it felt so good to finally be in love. He would do little things for me that I thought were really sweet and made me feel so speical. He had come home during the week because I think they had got rained out where ever they were, and when he came and picked me up from work that day, he reached in the back seat and handed me some flowers. They weren't just any flowers, they were my favorite and my favorite color. No one had ever done that for me before. I don't know how many places he had to go or whatever, but all I know is that he did little stuff like that for me all the time, and he took such good care of me. Ok, ok, he spoiled me, and I loved it. He didn't spoil me with material things, he spoiled me with love. He would cook dinner, make my plate and drink for me, treated my son like he was his own, and we told each other we loved each other so much and so often.
I know that I fell for him the first night I met him, but I couldn't tell you when I actually fell in love with him, or when I realized that I wanted to marry him, but I did, and it was real. I had thought in the past that I wanted to be with a couple of guys for the rest of my life, but nope. It never felt like this. I wish that we would have just gotten married back in December when he called me one night and said, "let's just do it this weekend....get a marriage liscense this week and we'll go when I get home." I know there is nothing I can do about it now, but that weighs on my mind sometimes. I wanted to be his wife, and build a house together like we talked about, not let HIM build it for me, but be there side by side building a house with our own two hands. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. I remember someone telling me when I was talking about all this about 2-3 weeks after we met, and in their little young, immature head, said, 'don't you think it's a little soon to start talking about all that?' Actually, no, I didn't. I had always heard that when you find "the one", you know, deep in your heart and soul, and we knew. He was the first guy I ever trusted. I might have seen him 4 days out of a month, and that was hard sometimes because I would be going through something and just wanted him to be here to hold me and kiss my forhead and tell me it was going to be ok. Although, over the Christmas/New year holiday, we almost killed each other being together for a week and a half...ha, but I found out the next week that I was pregnant, so I was definitely on edge more than usual. I know it's kind of personal, but Justin would tell me all the time that he was pretty sure he wasn't able to have kids because he had never had a past girlfriend get pregnant. So, I knew that we wanted to have at least one more child in the future, so I almos begged him to get checked out when his insurance finally kicked in in Feb. I was just as surprised as he was when I found out I was pregnant, but we were both so happy and couldn't wait to have this baby together. I kind of went off on a tagent....let's get back to me trusting him. He was gone most of our relationship, so I really had to trust him, and I did. I told him one night while he was away that for ME to trust him was a big deal because I had never trusted anyone besides my dad and brothers. He and I had both not been treated that great in the past, so we both had reason to not trust each other, but we did. He would tell me sometimes that he thought he loved me more than I loved him, but I know that's not true, and at some points I think that I trusted him more than he trusted me. I loved that boy with every fiber of my being, and trusted him as well. I know he loved me and trusted me becasue friends I have met after he passed away said that anytime they talked to him, me and the baby were all the talked about.
I want to remember all the good things, and there weren't hardly any bad things, and I wouldn't even call them bad. We got in a few arguments, but we always came back and talked about them and fixed whatever we needed to fix. That is what I loved aobut our relationship. We took blame for what we had done wrong, and talked things out wth each other. We didn't stay mad at each other or let things build up until it was too late.
I knew he loved me for a fact when we went shopping at midnight on Thanksgiving night. We had Thanksgiving with my family, then went to his parents house that evening. I have never shopped on Black Friday, but they were having this midnight sale at Wal-Mart, and some stuff Brayden wanted for Christmas was on sale for pretty cheap. He and I were exhausted and were about to fall alseep on the couch, but we got up and went to Wal-Mart at 11:30 that night, and I remember telling him that I knew he loved me because most guys would have not gone with a girl they had pretty much just started dating, to get Christmas gifts for her son. I will never forget all the things he did for me and Brayden, and the stuff he sacrificed to give us and his daughter a good life. Justin was a good man, a kind and loving man. He would have done anything for anyone. He and I both had some problems in the past, but who doesn't have a few bumps in the road. I think at some point, you just learn what really matters. Having a family and being together was what was most important to us. It's been 3 weeks since Justin passed away, and it's feels like it's been one long day. Yes, I have slept, and gotten back into some normal routine, but things will never seem normal without him. I miss him so much and for the next few months, all I will have are our memories together, but I cannot wait to hold my little baby that we were blessed with. No matter what has happened in the past, I will keep my head up and be the best mom to my babies. Justin would want that, and I will honor his memory by being a great mom, and being as positive as I can be. I want my kids to love life like Justin did. He was definitely more positive than I was, so I am taking that with me from all this. Head up, think positive, and treat others like I would want to be treated. It's hard sometimes, but I can do it and I can teach my little ones to be that way too! Love you Justin and thank you for being in my life.
7:37 am
Well, so much for sleeping in. I have been up since 6 am, but that's ok! Hopefully I will get a mid-morning nap.
So, most of my blogs haven't been "sad", but I haven't really talked about alot of happy stuff. I don't feel like I have anyway. I miss my love, I know that, but I wanted to talk about our life together, though it was short, it was intense and it was good. Justin was "the one". He and I were definitely different, and when they say opposites attract, they are right. When I first me him, I was still playing for the Cenla Derby Dames, which is roller derby if you are not aware. I was very happy doing that, and had finally found something I was good at besides being a mother. I had moved back here from Nashville in 2006 and was pretty derpressed I had to do so. Alexandria is not a bad place, it's just very closed minded in my opinion and not very diverse. I really loved living in Nashville, but like everything, it had it's downfalls. So, anyway, I was going to school, working, raising Brayden and I didn't really have "my" thing. I played softball at LSUA for a little bit, wanted to join an adult soccer team because I missed playing so much, but I never did it. I was pretty down on myself and didn't have an outlet. A friend of mine asked me last year if I wanted to join a derby team, and without really knowing what it was, I decided to try it out. After the first bout we went to, I was hooked. I wanted to play soooooo freakin' bad. I am not THAT much of a violent person, but I do have a streak in me that I was satisfying with derby.
I met Justin on a Saturday in Natchitoches, and he came back to Alexandria with me the next day and came to see me practice. He saw how tough I was physically, and I think he liked it :-) He realized soon after that I was very independent and touch emotionally, to an extent. I was a litte insecure with him, but he soon made me realize that he was crazy about me. We got to spend alot of time together when we first met because he was still working for Foster. When he went to work for Auger and was on the road, I wasn't sure if we were meant to be together. Like my mother told me, I haven't been very domesticated, and don't do well in relationships. I am 28 years old and have never dated someone for more than 4 months. After I got over the fact of being scared to be with Justin and let my walls come down, I fell so in love with him. I remember telling his cousin Carey after our Halloween bout October 30th, that I was falling in love with Justin. I was pretty intoxicated, but they say when you are drunk, you are honest. Well, I must have been telling the truth! I do remember the conversation that Justin and I had and I told him I wasn't sure about us and if we were going to work, then we needed to work on some stuff together. He was upset and said he didn't know what to say. I feel bad for that now, but on the other hand, I was glad I said something because we worked things out and our relationship was pretty good. Of course we had our little spats, but for the first few months, it was just bliss. That's the only way I can describe it. I had never felt that way about anyone and it felt so good to finally be in love. He would do little things for me that I thought were really sweet and made me feel so speical. He had come home during the week because I think they had got rained out where ever they were, and when he came and picked me up from work that day, he reached in the back seat and handed me some flowers. They weren't just any flowers, they were my favorite and my favorite color. No one had ever done that for me before. I don't know how many places he had to go or whatever, but all I know is that he did little stuff like that for me all the time, and he took such good care of me. Ok, ok, he spoiled me, and I loved it. He didn't spoil me with material things, he spoiled me with love. He would cook dinner, make my plate and drink for me, treated my son like he was his own, and we told each other we loved each other so much and so often.
I know that I fell for him the first night I met him, but I couldn't tell you when I actually fell in love with him, or when I realized that I wanted to marry him, but I did, and it was real. I had thought in the past that I wanted to be with a couple of guys for the rest of my life, but nope. It never felt like this. I wish that we would have just gotten married back in December when he called me one night and said, "let's just do it this weekend....get a marriage liscense this week and we'll go when I get home." I know there is nothing I can do about it now, but that weighs on my mind sometimes. I wanted to be his wife, and build a house together like we talked about, not let HIM build it for me, but be there side by side building a house with our own two hands. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. I remember someone telling me when I was talking about all this about 2-3 weeks after we met, and in their little young, immature head, said, 'don't you think it's a little soon to start talking about all that?' Actually, no, I didn't. I had always heard that when you find "the one", you know, deep in your heart and soul, and we knew. He was the first guy I ever trusted. I might have seen him 4 days out of a month, and that was hard sometimes because I would be going through something and just wanted him to be here to hold me and kiss my forhead and tell me it was going to be ok. Although, over the Christmas/New year holiday, we almost killed each other being together for a week and a half...ha, but I found out the next week that I was pregnant, so I was definitely on edge more than usual. I know it's kind of personal, but Justin would tell me all the time that he was pretty sure he wasn't able to have kids because he had never had a past girlfriend get pregnant. So, I knew that we wanted to have at least one more child in the future, so I almos begged him to get checked out when his insurance finally kicked in in Feb. I was just as surprised as he was when I found out I was pregnant, but we were both so happy and couldn't wait to have this baby together. I kind of went off on a tagent....let's get back to me trusting him. He was gone most of our relationship, so I really had to trust him, and I did. I told him one night while he was away that for ME to trust him was a big deal because I had never trusted anyone besides my dad and brothers. He and I had both not been treated that great in the past, so we both had reason to not trust each other, but we did. He would tell me sometimes that he thought he loved me more than I loved him, but I know that's not true, and at some points I think that I trusted him more than he trusted me. I loved that boy with every fiber of my being, and trusted him as well. I know he loved me and trusted me becasue friends I have met after he passed away said that anytime they talked to him, me and the baby were all the talked about.
I want to remember all the good things, and there weren't hardly any bad things, and I wouldn't even call them bad. We got in a few arguments, but we always came back and talked about them and fixed whatever we needed to fix. That is what I loved aobut our relationship. We took blame for what we had done wrong, and talked things out wth each other. We didn't stay mad at each other or let things build up until it was too late.
I knew he loved me for a fact when we went shopping at midnight on Thanksgiving night. We had Thanksgiving with my family, then went to his parents house that evening. I have never shopped on Black Friday, but they were having this midnight sale at Wal-Mart, and some stuff Brayden wanted for Christmas was on sale for pretty cheap. He and I were exhausted and were about to fall alseep on the couch, but we got up and went to Wal-Mart at 11:30 that night, and I remember telling him that I knew he loved me because most guys would have not gone with a girl they had pretty much just started dating, to get Christmas gifts for her son. I will never forget all the things he did for me and Brayden, and the stuff he sacrificed to give us and his daughter a good life. Justin was a good man, a kind and loving man. He would have done anything for anyone. He and I both had some problems in the past, but who doesn't have a few bumps in the road. I think at some point, you just learn what really matters. Having a family and being together was what was most important to us. It's been 3 weeks since Justin passed away, and it's feels like it's been one long day. Yes, I have slept, and gotten back into some normal routine, but things will never seem normal without him. I miss him so much and for the next few months, all I will have are our memories together, but I cannot wait to hold my little baby that we were blessed with. No matter what has happened in the past, I will keep my head up and be the best mom to my babies. Justin would want that, and I will honor his memory by being a great mom, and being as positive as I can be. I want my kids to love life like Justin did. He was definitely more positive than I was, so I am taking that with me from all this. Head up, think positive, and treat others like I would want to be treated. It's hard sometimes, but I can do it and I can teach my little ones to be that way too! Love you Justin and thank you for being in my life.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Sleepy, sleepy
March 10th, 2011
7:22 pm
I slept until almost 7 this morning, which hasn't been my norm lately. I set my alarm every morning, but wake up about 20-30 minutes before and just lay there in the dark and talk to Justin, and usually cry a little bit. Ya know, that sounds really sad, but I think it's just part of my process. Yes, I miss him and wish he was here, and to some extent have given up and don't really care too much about anything. I'm just being honest here. i have been strong, but this week has been my week to not give a shit. I almost got fired from my job.....that's another story.....and all I wanted was to call Justin and talk to him, but I couldn't do that. He always sided with me when it came to other people, even if I was wrong. I know he loved me so much and I will always carry that with me. We could lie in bed and he would grab my face so I looked right at him and he would tell me how much he loved me. A few times he said that he thought he loved me more than I loved him, but I really don't think he knew how much I loved him and still do, and always will. I know I have written about it before, but he taught me so much, and mostly he taught me to love. He also taught me to not fear anything, especially dying. I used to almost OBSESS everyday about dying and what would happen to my son, my family, everything. I was so scared to die, to leave everything and everyone I knew, but I'm not afraid anymore. I love my child, and soon to be children, and I love my family, but it is so hard for me to imagine my life without the man that I fell in love with. Sometimes I would rather die and be with him....please don't tak that the wrong way, because I am not thinking about killing myself or anything drastic like that, but it is just where I am at. I miss him every day, all day, and I wonder when I will not cry anymore, but I'm sure that will be a long time, and it's ok.
On a happy note, I am about 14 weeks pregnant, so it won't be long before I can find out what this little jumping bean is. I have a feeling it's a boy, and I pray that God blesses me with another little boy, but I will be happy with whatever it is because it's Justin's baby and I'm so happy that I have his little legacy growing inside of me :-) I know he would have been the best father, and I know that he will be our little one's guardian angel. He was so good to me, and I feel like I took that for granted. He definitely spoiled me, and made me realize I deserved only the best, and he was the best to me. We were the best to each other. I would have done anything for him, even given my life. I think at points I am still in shock, and right now, I kind of am.
He would usually come home every weekend or every other weekend, or I would go visit him where he was working, so Friday-Sunday is pretty hard for me. I expect him to come home on Friday still, but I know it will never happen. I really miss the text we used to send.....Guess what?....he would say, and I would say...What??....even though I knew he was going to text me back.....I love you so much. I miss him telling me how beautiful I am, every single day. He texted me every morning, Good morning beautiful.....he made me feel so special, every day, no matter what. I was so insecure before I met him, well, it had gotten better because of derby. I realized that I could be tough and pretty at the same time. I have always been a tough girl. When Justin and I first told each other that we loved each other, I couldn't believe in all honesty that someone could love me. I don't think I'm the easiest person to love. I have issues, just like everyone, so of course I didn't think that I deserved to be loved. I don't remember the date or anything, but I remember texting him and telling him that I was pretty sure I was falling in love with him, and he called me and said, Awe babe, I love you too, and when he came home that weekend it was really great and almost magical. That is such a cheesy word, but that's the only thing I could think of. I met him at the door and we kissed and we looked at each other and he said, I love you, and of course I said it back and just smiled. There was a smile he told me he loved so much because he knew that I was happy and for me to be happy made him happy. And I was so happy with him. I felt like my life was finally complete. I had everything I needed or could want. My son, a decent job for once, that I had been at for a year, a great man at my side and had finally started getting my emotions in check. The other day I thought to myself if I would ever be happy again, and I think I will be happy, but I will never be as happy as I was with him. My kids will make me happy, I know that, but losing your first REAL love is the hardest thing I think anyone could go through. You have a connection with your children and your family that you don't have with anyone else, but when you find that one person that your soul connects with on a totally different level, a part of you dies when they leave and are gone forever. I will probably live to be 80 or so, and I just can't belive that the next 50+ years will be without him. I know it's just one day at a time, but it's hard sometimes. I had my life planned with him, could see myself growing old with him, and just didn't even think twice about something like this happening so soon.
I really wanted to help people with this blog, and be positive and encouraging, but I am just hurting pretty bad this week. Pretty soon it will be a month, then 6, then a year that he will be gone, then 10 and it just makes me so mad sometimes. Brayden told me yesterday that we was mad and I asked why. He said, 'because I want my daddy back'....it broke my heart, and I told him I wanted him back too. It just doesn't seem fair to anyone that loved him. To us, his family, his daughter, his friends. Why couldn't he have lived to be an hold man? That's a question that won't be answered for a really long time, and I'm ok with waiting. I told him the other day that I would wait for him, and I'm just at that point. The thought of another man even THINKING about me makes me sick to my stomach. Justin was my one true love, and I just don't think I could ever love anyone like I loved him. He has my heart forever. We had a good life together, even if it was for a short time. I loved him madly and deeply, and I am grateful that I got to feel that kind of love in my life. He was the best thing besides my son that ever happened to me, and I am so glad that he was who he was.
So, I'm starting to make a mental of list of things I am going to or wanting to do after the baby is born (because some of them I can't do being pregnant). If I have learned one thing, it's not to be afraid of life. So, I'm pretty sure that I want to sky dive. I am terrified of heights, but why should I be? Why should I be afraid of anything. Justin wasn't afraid of life. If all the drugs and massive amounts of alcohol I consumed in my life haven't killed me yet, then why not go out on a limb and so things that are going to give me a rush like sky diving, or auditioning for American Idol? ha ha. What I'm trying to say is that, I'm going to live my life because you never know when it will end. I am going to be a mother to my children first and foremost, but I am not going to sit around feeling sorry for myself because I don't have Justin. He wouldn't want me to do that, so I won't. I love you Justin Burns and everything that you gave me. I'll see you again someday and we can be happy together forever and ever.
7:22 pm
I slept until almost 7 this morning, which hasn't been my norm lately. I set my alarm every morning, but wake up about 20-30 minutes before and just lay there in the dark and talk to Justin, and usually cry a little bit. Ya know, that sounds really sad, but I think it's just part of my process. Yes, I miss him and wish he was here, and to some extent have given up and don't really care too much about anything. I'm just being honest here. i have been strong, but this week has been my week to not give a shit. I almost got fired from my job.....that's another story.....and all I wanted was to call Justin and talk to him, but I couldn't do that. He always sided with me when it came to other people, even if I was wrong. I know he loved me so much and I will always carry that with me. We could lie in bed and he would grab my face so I looked right at him and he would tell me how much he loved me. A few times he said that he thought he loved me more than I loved him, but I really don't think he knew how much I loved him and still do, and always will. I know I have written about it before, but he taught me so much, and mostly he taught me to love. He also taught me to not fear anything, especially dying. I used to almost OBSESS everyday about dying and what would happen to my son, my family, everything. I was so scared to die, to leave everything and everyone I knew, but I'm not afraid anymore. I love my child, and soon to be children, and I love my family, but it is so hard for me to imagine my life without the man that I fell in love with. Sometimes I would rather die and be with him....please don't tak that the wrong way, because I am not thinking about killing myself or anything drastic like that, but it is just where I am at. I miss him every day, all day, and I wonder when I will not cry anymore, but I'm sure that will be a long time, and it's ok.
On a happy note, I am about 14 weeks pregnant, so it won't be long before I can find out what this little jumping bean is. I have a feeling it's a boy, and I pray that God blesses me with another little boy, but I will be happy with whatever it is because it's Justin's baby and I'm so happy that I have his little legacy growing inside of me :-) I know he would have been the best father, and I know that he will be our little one's guardian angel. He was so good to me, and I feel like I took that for granted. He definitely spoiled me, and made me realize I deserved only the best, and he was the best to me. We were the best to each other. I would have done anything for him, even given my life. I think at points I am still in shock, and right now, I kind of am.
He would usually come home every weekend or every other weekend, or I would go visit him where he was working, so Friday-Sunday is pretty hard for me. I expect him to come home on Friday still, but I know it will never happen. I really miss the text we used to send.....Guess what?....he would say, and I would say...What??....even though I knew he was going to text me back.....I love you so much. I miss him telling me how beautiful I am, every single day. He texted me every morning, Good morning beautiful.....he made me feel so special, every day, no matter what. I was so insecure before I met him, well, it had gotten better because of derby. I realized that I could be tough and pretty at the same time. I have always been a tough girl. When Justin and I first told each other that we loved each other, I couldn't believe in all honesty that someone could love me. I don't think I'm the easiest person to love. I have issues, just like everyone, so of course I didn't think that I deserved to be loved. I don't remember the date or anything, but I remember texting him and telling him that I was pretty sure I was falling in love with him, and he called me and said, Awe babe, I love you too, and when he came home that weekend it was really great and almost magical. That is such a cheesy word, but that's the only thing I could think of. I met him at the door and we kissed and we looked at each other and he said, I love you, and of course I said it back and just smiled. There was a smile he told me he loved so much because he knew that I was happy and for me to be happy made him happy. And I was so happy with him. I felt like my life was finally complete. I had everything I needed or could want. My son, a decent job for once, that I had been at for a year, a great man at my side and had finally started getting my emotions in check. The other day I thought to myself if I would ever be happy again, and I think I will be happy, but I will never be as happy as I was with him. My kids will make me happy, I know that, but losing your first REAL love is the hardest thing I think anyone could go through. You have a connection with your children and your family that you don't have with anyone else, but when you find that one person that your soul connects with on a totally different level, a part of you dies when they leave and are gone forever. I will probably live to be 80 or so, and I just can't belive that the next 50+ years will be without him. I know it's just one day at a time, but it's hard sometimes. I had my life planned with him, could see myself growing old with him, and just didn't even think twice about something like this happening so soon.
I really wanted to help people with this blog, and be positive and encouraging, but I am just hurting pretty bad this week. Pretty soon it will be a month, then 6, then a year that he will be gone, then 10 and it just makes me so mad sometimes. Brayden told me yesterday that we was mad and I asked why. He said, 'because I want my daddy back'....it broke my heart, and I told him I wanted him back too. It just doesn't seem fair to anyone that loved him. To us, his family, his daughter, his friends. Why couldn't he have lived to be an hold man? That's a question that won't be answered for a really long time, and I'm ok with waiting. I told him the other day that I would wait for him, and I'm just at that point. The thought of another man even THINKING about me makes me sick to my stomach. Justin was my one true love, and I just don't think I could ever love anyone like I loved him. He has my heart forever. We had a good life together, even if it was for a short time. I loved him madly and deeply, and I am grateful that I got to feel that kind of love in my life. He was the best thing besides my son that ever happened to me, and I am so glad that he was who he was.
So, I'm starting to make a mental of list of things I am going to or wanting to do after the baby is born (because some of them I can't do being pregnant). If I have learned one thing, it's not to be afraid of life. So, I'm pretty sure that I want to sky dive. I am terrified of heights, but why should I be? Why should I be afraid of anything. Justin wasn't afraid of life. If all the drugs and massive amounts of alcohol I consumed in my life haven't killed me yet, then why not go out on a limb and so things that are going to give me a rush like sky diving, or auditioning for American Idol? ha ha. What I'm trying to say is that, I'm going to live my life because you never know when it will end. I am going to be a mother to my children first and foremost, but I am not going to sit around feeling sorry for myself because I don't have Justin. He wouldn't want me to do that, so I won't. I love you Justin Burns and everything that you gave me. I'll see you again someday and we can be happy together forever and ever.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Tough Day
March 6th, 2011
7:19 pm
Wow, today was one of the toughest days I have had since the wake and funeral. I can't really explain why, I just know that it's been rough today. I feel like I haven't really been there for my son today because I have been wrapped up in my own sorrow, and for that I don't feel like the best mom.....but I know that there are mothers out there that do much worse, so I will not dwell on today too much. We went to the Mardi Gras parade, and I was not ready for that. I don't like big crowds in the first place, and I saw families, dads with their kids, and it broke my heart. Justin was so excited about our baby. We use to lay on the couch or in the bed and he would kiss my stomach and rub it and he would ask how his beautiful pregnant girlfriend was feeling. I miss that so much. He was such a good man to me. He would drive down to the store for me and get me a diet coke, or something to eat if we didn't have it at the house. I feel like I took things he did for me for granted because I felt like they would happen for a really long time. I know he knows how much I apprecited him, and I did more than he will ever know.
I have had a few dreams where he has broken up with me and started dating other girls like in the same day, and I beg for him to come back to me and tell him I can't live without him and how much I love him, and I feel that way, like I won't be able to live my life without him. I know he would want me to be happy and live a good life for me and the babies, but at this point, it's just so hard to imagine my life without the man that I love. I am not trying to be all negative and everything, this is just how I feel at this point. There is a song by Mumford and Sons, and one of the lines is, find strength in pain, and I am really trying that. I'm really going to try and have a better week at work, and take people's attitudes and ignorance with a grain of salt. Justin always tried to calm me down and make me feel better about stuff that was bothering me and he did a pretty good job, so I have just been trying to think of what he would say or do for me when I got down.
I know at some point, I will not be sad every day, but right now, maybe not all day, I get pretty sad. I am going to call it a night and take some deep breaths and just try and be ok with what is going on in my life. All I know is that I am being given the strength from God to get up everyday and live my life. Some people never get any better from losing people they love and end up really super depressed or crazy, and I don't want to do either of those things. I will miss my love for the rest of my life but I know deep down in my soul, we will be together again and be happy for eternity.....at least that is what is getting me through each day.
7:19 pm
Wow, today was one of the toughest days I have had since the wake and funeral. I can't really explain why, I just know that it's been rough today. I feel like I haven't really been there for my son today because I have been wrapped up in my own sorrow, and for that I don't feel like the best mom.....but I know that there are mothers out there that do much worse, so I will not dwell on today too much. We went to the Mardi Gras parade, and I was not ready for that. I don't like big crowds in the first place, and I saw families, dads with their kids, and it broke my heart. Justin was so excited about our baby. We use to lay on the couch or in the bed and he would kiss my stomach and rub it and he would ask how his beautiful pregnant girlfriend was feeling. I miss that so much. He was such a good man to me. He would drive down to the store for me and get me a diet coke, or something to eat if we didn't have it at the house. I feel like I took things he did for me for granted because I felt like they would happen for a really long time. I know he knows how much I apprecited him, and I did more than he will ever know.
I have had a few dreams where he has broken up with me and started dating other girls like in the same day, and I beg for him to come back to me and tell him I can't live without him and how much I love him, and I feel that way, like I won't be able to live my life without him. I know he would want me to be happy and live a good life for me and the babies, but at this point, it's just so hard to imagine my life without the man that I love. I am not trying to be all negative and everything, this is just how I feel at this point. There is a song by Mumford and Sons, and one of the lines is, find strength in pain, and I am really trying that. I'm really going to try and have a better week at work, and take people's attitudes and ignorance with a grain of salt. Justin always tried to calm me down and make me feel better about stuff that was bothering me and he did a pretty good job, so I have just been trying to think of what he would say or do for me when I got down.
I know at some point, I will not be sad every day, but right now, maybe not all day, I get pretty sad. I am going to call it a night and take some deep breaths and just try and be ok with what is going on in my life. All I know is that I am being given the strength from God to get up everyday and live my life. Some people never get any better from losing people they love and end up really super depressed or crazy, and I don't want to do either of those things. I will miss my love for the rest of my life but I know deep down in my soul, we will be together again and be happy for eternity.....at least that is what is getting me through each day.
Friday, March 4, 2011
Nothing
March 4th, 2011
7:49 pm
I havent blogged in a few days because I have been so tired and pretty much gone to bed pretty early. What should I write about tonight.....not really sure. I am definitely glad that it's Friday and I get to spend a few days away from work. I don't feel like I am really there when I am there, I am just going through motions. Nothing feels real anymore, it's strange. Justin would usually be getting home about now if he was able to come home on the weekend. I really miss talking to him and telling each other that we couldn't wait to see each other. I really miss laying with him and talking about the future and then falling asleep with our feet wrapped together. He was the only person I was ever able to fall asleep with like that. I always had to have my own space, even with Brayden, I can't really cuddle with him to fall asleep. I miss everything.
Today was an ok day. I think people think I am ok because I don't walk around with a long face, but news flash I AM NOT OK. And I get asked at least once a day if I am ok....and I'm getting to the point that I just want to say NO!!!!!!!!!!! I AM NOT, SO STOP ASKING. I know that they are just trying to be nice, but it's really not helping. I made a decision after Justin passed away that I was going to take what people had to say with a grain of salt, because people tend to say really stupid shit, excuse my language, for some reason when you are mourning the loss of a loved one. I think it is because they are not going through it and they think that you should be over it after you bury the person. Well, second news flash, death is hard, and I may take 15 years to be ok, so think about what you say before you say, or just keep your stupid mouth shut. I especially love when people tell me I look WAYYYYY more pregnant than 12 weeks. Just keep that to yourself. I already have enough to think about without having to think, oh great, I look 6 months pregnant already and I'm not even 4. ANYWAY....you know, today was not ok, today was crap, and all I want is to have Justin here to talk to face to face and have him tell me it's all going to be ok and that he loves me, and we are going to be happy together forever. I guess I am a litte angry right now, but I have a right to be and I am not going to apologize to anyone for it.
I think at some point things will feel real and normal again, and I am scared about that. Everyday that goes by is one more day away from Justin and that hurts me so bad.
On a good note, his family has been so good to me and Brayden and I am so blessed and grateful that I met Justin and became part of his family. Even when everything around me seems like it's not ok, I know deep down inside that it's really all ok and instead of getting angry, I should just keep my head up and not worry about what anyone says, or thinks, or how stupid they are. There is a line from The Avett Brothers song Head Full of Doubt and it goes "if you are loved by someone, you're never rejected." I was loved by Justin, and I am loved by his family and mine and a few select friends that I am lucky to have. No matter what happens, I have that love, and no one can take that from me. I am getting tired. It's my time to go settle down and talk to Justin.
7:49 pm
I havent blogged in a few days because I have been so tired and pretty much gone to bed pretty early. What should I write about tonight.....not really sure. I am definitely glad that it's Friday and I get to spend a few days away from work. I don't feel like I am really there when I am there, I am just going through motions. Nothing feels real anymore, it's strange. Justin would usually be getting home about now if he was able to come home on the weekend. I really miss talking to him and telling each other that we couldn't wait to see each other. I really miss laying with him and talking about the future and then falling asleep with our feet wrapped together. He was the only person I was ever able to fall asleep with like that. I always had to have my own space, even with Brayden, I can't really cuddle with him to fall asleep. I miss everything.
Today was an ok day. I think people think I am ok because I don't walk around with a long face, but news flash I AM NOT OK. And I get asked at least once a day if I am ok....and I'm getting to the point that I just want to say NO!!!!!!!!!!! I AM NOT, SO STOP ASKING. I know that they are just trying to be nice, but it's really not helping. I made a decision after Justin passed away that I was going to take what people had to say with a grain of salt, because people tend to say really stupid shit, excuse my language, for some reason when you are mourning the loss of a loved one. I think it is because they are not going through it and they think that you should be over it after you bury the person. Well, second news flash, death is hard, and I may take 15 years to be ok, so think about what you say before you say, or just keep your stupid mouth shut. I especially love when people tell me I look WAYYYYY more pregnant than 12 weeks. Just keep that to yourself. I already have enough to think about without having to think, oh great, I look 6 months pregnant already and I'm not even 4. ANYWAY....you know, today was not ok, today was crap, and all I want is to have Justin here to talk to face to face and have him tell me it's all going to be ok and that he loves me, and we are going to be happy together forever. I guess I am a litte angry right now, but I have a right to be and I am not going to apologize to anyone for it.
I think at some point things will feel real and normal again, and I am scared about that. Everyday that goes by is one more day away from Justin and that hurts me so bad.
On a good note, his family has been so good to me and Brayden and I am so blessed and grateful that I met Justin and became part of his family. Even when everything around me seems like it's not ok, I know deep down inside that it's really all ok and instead of getting angry, I should just keep my head up and not worry about what anyone says, or thinks, or how stupid they are. There is a line from The Avett Brothers song Head Full of Doubt and it goes "if you are loved by someone, you're never rejected." I was loved by Justin, and I am loved by his family and mine and a few select friends that I am lucky to have. No matter what happens, I have that love, and no one can take that from me. I am getting tired. It's my time to go settle down and talk to Justin.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
So much to say
March 1st, 2011
8:12pm
I don't really know what to blog about tonight. This morning was really tough, and I'm not really sure why. When I got to work, I sat in my car and sobbed, and had to really talk myself into getting it together. I think I am still in shock and every now and then I realize what has really happened. The day got a little better, and I really am blessed to have the friends I have because I wouldn't be able to get through this without them. My friend Brooke and I talked for a long time at lunch and she said something to me that made me feel better and something I had not thought about. We were talking about God's plan and how we don't know what it is and it is our time when it is our time and it was Justin's time although as humans we don't want it to be "their time" when people leave us. But what she said really made alot of sense to me. Justin was taken so suddenly, and so tragically, BUT she said, God took him and maybe saved him from something else worse happening. I have dealt with death alot in my young life. Family and friends that have been taken suddenly and taken after a long illness. Either way it is hard, but I can say that I have found comfort in the fact that when someone dies so quickly, the do not suffer. I can remember watching my father deteriorate from this strong, almost "superman" strength person to someone that had to have EVERYTHING done for them. That was hard, and I can say that if Justin would have gotten sick or even been a vegetable for the rest of his life, I would have taken care of him because he was my love, and my life, next to my son.
Today was also hard because where I work is an open floor plan, which means that we don't have separate rooms where we work on patients, so we are basically in one big room and can hear pretty much everything that goes on. I hear mom's telling the doctor's about their plans for their children, and girl's talking about marriage plans, etc., and it just breaks my heart in a million pieces because I know I will never have that with Justin. I'm sort of in a state of not understanding why these sorts of things keep happening to me and people I love. I don't understand why my dad had to be taken and will never be able to see my children grow, or the rest of his grand kids, or even his own children grow into adulthood. I don't understand why Justin had to be taken away from his parents after they have already lost 2 children and why was he taken when he and I were making all these plans to spend the rest of our lives together? It doesn't do any good to question, so I really try not to do so, but I still don't understand.
I will admit at this point that I have seen the first two Twilight movies, and I have read the first book...and I don't remember which movie it's from, but Bella has a dream about her being really old and Edward still being young and she wakes up freaking out and wants Edward to turn her into a vampire so they will always be the same age. I felt like that today as I was crying.....if I live to be an old lady and my soul is old, Justin will be young and will not want me anymore when I get to see him again. But then I thought about, who really knows what "age" our souls are. We think of the people we love, their souls being the age they are when they die, but who really knows. Maybe when I meet my maker, I will be the age I am now so Justin and I can always be happy like we were when he passed away. I know it sounds crazy, and I don't care if it does, but it's just what I thought and felt today.
Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. The week is almost over, and I am happy for that. I am kind of ready to not be around too many people and I am ready to take my baby boy to the Mardi Gras parades this weekend in town. I need to call it a night....today was emotionally draining, but I will pray for the strength to make it through another day without Justin. I know there is a rainbow on the other side of this storm, but I am not ready to find it yet.
8:12pm
I don't really know what to blog about tonight. This morning was really tough, and I'm not really sure why. When I got to work, I sat in my car and sobbed, and had to really talk myself into getting it together. I think I am still in shock and every now and then I realize what has really happened. The day got a little better, and I really am blessed to have the friends I have because I wouldn't be able to get through this without them. My friend Brooke and I talked for a long time at lunch and she said something to me that made me feel better and something I had not thought about. We were talking about God's plan and how we don't know what it is and it is our time when it is our time and it was Justin's time although as humans we don't want it to be "their time" when people leave us. But what she said really made alot of sense to me. Justin was taken so suddenly, and so tragically, BUT she said, God took him and maybe saved him from something else worse happening. I have dealt with death alot in my young life. Family and friends that have been taken suddenly and taken after a long illness. Either way it is hard, but I can say that I have found comfort in the fact that when someone dies so quickly, the do not suffer. I can remember watching my father deteriorate from this strong, almost "superman" strength person to someone that had to have EVERYTHING done for them. That was hard, and I can say that if Justin would have gotten sick or even been a vegetable for the rest of his life, I would have taken care of him because he was my love, and my life, next to my son.
Today was also hard because where I work is an open floor plan, which means that we don't have separate rooms where we work on patients, so we are basically in one big room and can hear pretty much everything that goes on. I hear mom's telling the doctor's about their plans for their children, and girl's talking about marriage plans, etc., and it just breaks my heart in a million pieces because I know I will never have that with Justin. I'm sort of in a state of not understanding why these sorts of things keep happening to me and people I love. I don't understand why my dad had to be taken and will never be able to see my children grow, or the rest of his grand kids, or even his own children grow into adulthood. I don't understand why Justin had to be taken away from his parents after they have already lost 2 children and why was he taken when he and I were making all these plans to spend the rest of our lives together? It doesn't do any good to question, so I really try not to do so, but I still don't understand.
I will admit at this point that I have seen the first two Twilight movies, and I have read the first book...and I don't remember which movie it's from, but Bella has a dream about her being really old and Edward still being young and she wakes up freaking out and wants Edward to turn her into a vampire so they will always be the same age. I felt like that today as I was crying.....if I live to be an old lady and my soul is old, Justin will be young and will not want me anymore when I get to see him again. But then I thought about, who really knows what "age" our souls are. We think of the people we love, their souls being the age they are when they die, but who really knows. Maybe when I meet my maker, I will be the age I am now so Justin and I can always be happy like we were when he passed away. I know it sounds crazy, and I don't care if it does, but it's just what I thought and felt today.
Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. The week is almost over, and I am happy for that. I am kind of ready to not be around too many people and I am ready to take my baby boy to the Mardi Gras parades this weekend in town. I need to call it a night....today was emotionally draining, but I will pray for the strength to make it through another day without Justin. I know there is a rainbow on the other side of this storm, but I am not ready to find it yet.
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