6.27.14
Man, oh man has it been a while since I have last put an entry into my blog! I bet y'all forgot I even had one. I know I did!! I will keep this short and sweet, but maybe soon I can update alot more. Life is good. I have everything I need. My kids are happy and healthy. I live in an amazing community and for the first time in my life, I am happy with who and what I have become. I have struggled and felt like I would never come out of the darkness, but look where I am, not there anymore. I'm so grateful tonight for being granted the opportunity to experience this life and all that it has to offer. If you are in a bad spot tonight, and you read this, please know that tomorrow is a brand new day to seize opportunities that you may not have had today. Life giveth and taketh, and we have to go with the flow. Be ready to be given the world, only to have it taken from you. No, don't live in negativity, but just stand strong in who you are and what you believe, and just know that no matter what, you will make it through whatever you are going through.
I do want to briefly share that in the past few years, since I started this blog, I have lost 5 jobs. Moved to a new city to start my life over with my boys. I have felt so defeated and so joyous. I have made new friends, and reconnected with old ones. I have seen life through rose colored glasses, and some days I didn't even want to open my eyes. Faith in a higher being, being absolutely positive when all I wanted was to stab someone in the eye, that's how I've gotten where I am. Tonight, for the first time in a very long while, I can say that I am truly happy. Yes, life is still life with ups and downs, but it's beautiful and I am so blessed for all the love and support and amazing people that I get to share this life with. I plan on writing more in my blog. I didn't have internet for a few years, and I still don't. Thanks to my awesome neighbor (thanks Amber!!) I get to use their Wifi. Alot can change in a year, in a day, in a moment. Cherish everything for what it's worth.
Friday, June 27, 2014
Friday, August 19, 2011
Little Jensen
January 10th 2011 was the day I told Justin I was pregnant with our baby. I actually texted him from work and he texted back, Really? Are you joking?. I asked him why would I joke about something like that, and hold him how happy I was to be pregnant with his baby. He was happy as well, and I was more in love with him than I had been before. My birthday was the next day, and instead of drinking a few cold ones, I had a salad at diet coke with my friends and mom. Justin was still working out of town and I had planned to see him that weekend in Baton Rouge. Saturday morning came and I felt really sick when I got up that morning, but just thought it was morning sickness. I fixed breakfast for me and little man, dozed in and out on the couch, and tried to get myself together before traveling. I ended up vomiting up my breakfast and once again just thought it was morning sickness. I called Justin and told him how shitty I felt, and he told me to not worry about coming, but I am hardheaded and wanted to see him so badly. I felt pretty horrible for the rest of the day, and on the way I remember texting him and telling him he better know how much I loved him because I felt so miserable. He said he knew and he was happy I was coming to visit.
This is going to sound super bratty, and I realize it now, but when I got there, he had not gotten anything for me for my birthday. I was a little upset and I told him so, which was crappy of me. We stopped at a service station at one point while driving around town and while I was in the bathroom he sneakily bought me this card that told me how much he loved me. That was one of the sweetest things he could have done, and was better than any other kind of gift he could have given me. I ended up staying one more night then I was going to and I am so glad I did, because that was the last time I would ever get to visit him out of town. He was always the one getting up super early on Monday mornings and getting to work. Now I was the one getting up at 4 am to drive back to Alexandria for work. At that point I realized I would have sacrificed alot for him at any point because I really like my sleep, and I definitely don't like getting up before the sun is up! He worked so hard to make our lives good, and I know he would have continued that because he told me he would!
Little did any of us know that just about a month later he would be gone, suddenly, tragically and without warning. Today I was thinking about our last day together, and it still feels like it was yesterday. Everything is still so fresh on my mind, all the time. My father has been deceased for almost 8 years, and I can still remember almost every detail of the day he died. When tragic things happen, just like when great things happen, the memories stick with us, I feel like forever. I have blogged about our last day together a few times I believe, so I won't go into much detail, but I remember two specific times that evening where I had never felt so much love for someone, other than my son, than I did with Justin. I never want to forget those feelings, but I know with time they will fade and all I will have left is knowing that I felt them at one point in my life. Several times this week and today, all I could think was that it's been 6 months, half of a year has gone by, and it doesn't seem possible. It doesn't seem possible that I will deliver our baby in 3 weeks and he won't be here physically, but for some reason, I can still see him in the "daddy" scrubs, holding Jensen and having the biggest smile on his face. He wanted nothing more than to the be best dad to his babies, and he was.
He definitely had my heart when he told me, without an conviction, that he wanted to adopt Brayden and make him officially his own son. I had waited for so long for someone to come into our lives and treat Brayden like their own because he deserved that, and still does. No one will ever "take" Justin's place, and when I will be ready to let someone in our lives again is the furthest thing from my mind. Tomorrow is my baby shower, and as much as I am looking forward to it, I am also thinking that it will be emotional for me. I have now gone through two pregnancies alone, and by alone I mean with the father not here. The first one by choice, and that is a WHOLE other blog in itself, and now one that I thought I would go through with the man that I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I call Justin my fiancee, and even though he never got down on one knee with a ring, he WAS the man I was going to marry, and on several occasions we discussed marriage. I sort of miss looking at engagement rings, wedding dresses and decorations for the perfect wedding that I was dreaming of, but I just can't even bring myself to indulge in any of that now. I can see myself walking down the aisle, Justin in his tux looking more handsome that ever and us getting married in the same church my parents did, but that is all it will ever be, me just imagining. On the happiest note, I will be holding our baby in just a few weeks, and I know in my heart and soul that this little life will remind all of us of Justin, and when God put him in my life, this was the plan from the beginning. It may not be what we wanted, but it is what God's will was, and I can't argue with that. We created life, and created a life that will carry with it so many special things, just like any child does really. I have definitely changed over the last 6 months, and alot of things that I thought were super important in life, I just realize they are not. Sometimes I wish I could shake people and make them see what I see, but I know we all see things differently and there is no way I could make you see through my eyes. I have proven beyond a doubt to myself that I am alot stronger than I ever thought possible. The road has been pretty bumpy the last 6 months, and I know that raising two little boys on my own is not going to be an easy task, but I am ready for it and I am ready to show them all the love I possible can muster up. Life is a beautiful journey that is full of ups and downs, and if we look at it the wrong way, we can find alot more downs than ups. I am not saying in anyway that losing Justin was an up, because I realized the other day that I can hardly remember the 3-4months after he died, and I feel like I am just now starting to come back to life in some way. What I am saying is that, for a short period of my life, I got to know what really being loved by another human being, besides family, felt like. I got to know someone with more patience than I think I will ever possibly be able to have, and I was given a child to care for that means so much to so many people. My life has changed so much in the last 10 years, and SOOO much in the last 5. I feel like I am starting to find out who I really am, and it's thanks to all the ups and downs life has thrown my way.
This is going to sound super bratty, and I realize it now, but when I got there, he had not gotten anything for me for my birthday. I was a little upset and I told him so, which was crappy of me. We stopped at a service station at one point while driving around town and while I was in the bathroom he sneakily bought me this card that told me how much he loved me. That was one of the sweetest things he could have done, and was better than any other kind of gift he could have given me. I ended up staying one more night then I was going to and I am so glad I did, because that was the last time I would ever get to visit him out of town. He was always the one getting up super early on Monday mornings and getting to work. Now I was the one getting up at 4 am to drive back to Alexandria for work. At that point I realized I would have sacrificed alot for him at any point because I really like my sleep, and I definitely don't like getting up before the sun is up! He worked so hard to make our lives good, and I know he would have continued that because he told me he would!
Little did any of us know that just about a month later he would be gone, suddenly, tragically and without warning. Today I was thinking about our last day together, and it still feels like it was yesterday. Everything is still so fresh on my mind, all the time. My father has been deceased for almost 8 years, and I can still remember almost every detail of the day he died. When tragic things happen, just like when great things happen, the memories stick with us, I feel like forever. I have blogged about our last day together a few times I believe, so I won't go into much detail, but I remember two specific times that evening where I had never felt so much love for someone, other than my son, than I did with Justin. I never want to forget those feelings, but I know with time they will fade and all I will have left is knowing that I felt them at one point in my life. Several times this week and today, all I could think was that it's been 6 months, half of a year has gone by, and it doesn't seem possible. It doesn't seem possible that I will deliver our baby in 3 weeks and he won't be here physically, but for some reason, I can still see him in the "daddy" scrubs, holding Jensen and having the biggest smile on his face. He wanted nothing more than to the be best dad to his babies, and he was.
He definitely had my heart when he told me, without an conviction, that he wanted to adopt Brayden and make him officially his own son. I had waited for so long for someone to come into our lives and treat Brayden like their own because he deserved that, and still does. No one will ever "take" Justin's place, and when I will be ready to let someone in our lives again is the furthest thing from my mind. Tomorrow is my baby shower, and as much as I am looking forward to it, I am also thinking that it will be emotional for me. I have now gone through two pregnancies alone, and by alone I mean with the father not here. The first one by choice, and that is a WHOLE other blog in itself, and now one that I thought I would go through with the man that I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I call Justin my fiancee, and even though he never got down on one knee with a ring, he WAS the man I was going to marry, and on several occasions we discussed marriage. I sort of miss looking at engagement rings, wedding dresses and decorations for the perfect wedding that I was dreaming of, but I just can't even bring myself to indulge in any of that now. I can see myself walking down the aisle, Justin in his tux looking more handsome that ever and us getting married in the same church my parents did, but that is all it will ever be, me just imagining. On the happiest note, I will be holding our baby in just a few weeks, and I know in my heart and soul that this little life will remind all of us of Justin, and when God put him in my life, this was the plan from the beginning. It may not be what we wanted, but it is what God's will was, and I can't argue with that. We created life, and created a life that will carry with it so many special things, just like any child does really. I have definitely changed over the last 6 months, and alot of things that I thought were super important in life, I just realize they are not. Sometimes I wish I could shake people and make them see what I see, but I know we all see things differently and there is no way I could make you see through my eyes. I have proven beyond a doubt to myself that I am alot stronger than I ever thought possible. The road has been pretty bumpy the last 6 months, and I know that raising two little boys on my own is not going to be an easy task, but I am ready for it and I am ready to show them all the love I possible can muster up. Life is a beautiful journey that is full of ups and downs, and if we look at it the wrong way, we can find alot more downs than ups. I am not saying in anyway that losing Justin was an up, because I realized the other day that I can hardly remember the 3-4months after he died, and I feel like I am just now starting to come back to life in some way. What I am saying is that, for a short period of my life, I got to know what really being loved by another human being, besides family, felt like. I got to know someone with more patience than I think I will ever possibly be able to have, and I was given a child to care for that means so much to so many people. My life has changed so much in the last 10 years, and SOOO much in the last 5. I feel like I am starting to find out who I really am, and it's thanks to all the ups and downs life has thrown my way.
Monday, July 18, 2011
5 months
July 18th, 2011
I can't believe it's been almost 5 months since Justin passed away. I have about 8 weeks until Jensen is due and the closer it gets, the harder it gets emotionally for me. Knowing that Justin was so happy about this baby and knowing that he would have been the best father is so hard. I have stayed strong, kept my head up and really tried to not give into being depressed or feeling sorry for myself, and I don't feel sorry for myself, I just miss Justin so bad. I remember my mom telling me that she literally waited for my dad to come home for 4 months after he died right after Justin died, and all I could think was, 4 months is such a long time and here it is close to 5 months and I really can't believe it's been this long. I still remember our last weekend together like it was yesterday, and especially our last night we spent together and how amazing it was, then how tragic it was. What breaks my heart even more, is the fact that over time I will forget his voice, his mannerisms, his laugh, but then again, maybe I won't. I haven't forgotten my dads, and I think the people we love the most we never forget those little things about them. Over the past few weeks, I have had several dreams about Justin and in every one of them he tells me he loves me, and the last one I had was actually our wedding, but he stayed in the back of the church and never met me at the altar, which was kind of ironic I guess. I love having dreams about him, they comfort me and make me so happy to see him. When I do dream about him, he is so handsome. More handsome that he ever was on earth, and he never fails to tell me he loves me. I remember having dreams of my dad when he first died and he didn't speak in he first few I had, but he does now, and it's the same way with Justin. I truly believe that our loved ones come visit us in our dreams and let us know that they are ok, at least that is what I want to believe.
I will have to have a scheduled C-section for this baby, and I have already told mine and Justin's family that I want to be in the room alone when I have Jensen because Justin would have been here with me, and I know that he will still be here in spirit. Most days I still can't believe that he is gone, and I still wait for him to come home on some weekends. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be able to let him go, and some days, I don't ever want to let him go. I have not been mad at God since he died, and I don't think that I ever will be, but I definitely don't understand why, and I never will, so I don't ask why. I was probably the happiest I have ever been in my life with Justin, and I don't know if I will ever be that happy again. I am happy to be a mom, and all the other things I am on a daily basis, but being with someone that accepts you for who you are and loves you no matter what is hard to replace. I will never forget the first night I met Justin, well, the second actually, because I met him at Kroger 5 months before that first official night...anyway....the night that we "met" at Carey's, he told me I was perfect to him, and I will never forget that as long as I live. No guy had ever told me I was perfect before, and yes, I am not "perfect" by society standards or heavenly standards, but for Justin, I was perfect, and he was perfect to me. Everything about him I loved and still love. I have to admit I was never really attracted to shorter guys, because I am not a short, petite girl, so taller guys always made me feel a little more secure, but I didn't care with Justin. When I went to visit him for the first time out of town, after he started working for Auger, we had decided to go out both Friday and Saturday night, and I didn't have an outfit for Saturday because we weren't going to go out but that Friday. I'm not that kind of girl that packs 400 extra outfits for a weekend excursion. I pack exactly what I need and nothing more. Anyway, we went shopping that Saturday and I found these 4 or 5 inch fushia high heels that I just HAD to have! I wore them to go out that night, and I remember Justin being funny and walking on his tip toes in the parking lot because I was so much taller than him, and everyone was laughing. I miss stuff like that, and I will never forget those good times we had together.
I am really trying to hold it together in these last few months until Jensen gets here, and I know the first few months he is born will be hard, but I know I have lots of support, and I will not be shy to ask for help or company when I am lonely or sad. I am excited and scared to start this next chapter in my life with Jensen and Brayden, my two little boys :) They are both very special to me and mean so much to me in different ways. I am so grateful to have this opportunity to be a mother the second time. I miss my love but I have two little loves that will take up ALOT of my time and energy! I'm looking forward to my life in the near future!!!
I can't believe it's been almost 5 months since Justin passed away. I have about 8 weeks until Jensen is due and the closer it gets, the harder it gets emotionally for me. Knowing that Justin was so happy about this baby and knowing that he would have been the best father is so hard. I have stayed strong, kept my head up and really tried to not give into being depressed or feeling sorry for myself, and I don't feel sorry for myself, I just miss Justin so bad. I remember my mom telling me that she literally waited for my dad to come home for 4 months after he died right after Justin died, and all I could think was, 4 months is such a long time and here it is close to 5 months and I really can't believe it's been this long. I still remember our last weekend together like it was yesterday, and especially our last night we spent together and how amazing it was, then how tragic it was. What breaks my heart even more, is the fact that over time I will forget his voice, his mannerisms, his laugh, but then again, maybe I won't. I haven't forgotten my dads, and I think the people we love the most we never forget those little things about them. Over the past few weeks, I have had several dreams about Justin and in every one of them he tells me he loves me, and the last one I had was actually our wedding, but he stayed in the back of the church and never met me at the altar, which was kind of ironic I guess. I love having dreams about him, they comfort me and make me so happy to see him. When I do dream about him, he is so handsome. More handsome that he ever was on earth, and he never fails to tell me he loves me. I remember having dreams of my dad when he first died and he didn't speak in he first few I had, but he does now, and it's the same way with Justin. I truly believe that our loved ones come visit us in our dreams and let us know that they are ok, at least that is what I want to believe.
I will have to have a scheduled C-section for this baby, and I have already told mine and Justin's family that I want to be in the room alone when I have Jensen because Justin would have been here with me, and I know that he will still be here in spirit. Most days I still can't believe that he is gone, and I still wait for him to come home on some weekends. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be able to let him go, and some days, I don't ever want to let him go. I have not been mad at God since he died, and I don't think that I ever will be, but I definitely don't understand why, and I never will, so I don't ask why. I was probably the happiest I have ever been in my life with Justin, and I don't know if I will ever be that happy again. I am happy to be a mom, and all the other things I am on a daily basis, but being with someone that accepts you for who you are and loves you no matter what is hard to replace. I will never forget the first night I met Justin, well, the second actually, because I met him at Kroger 5 months before that first official night...anyway....the night that we "met" at Carey's, he told me I was perfect to him, and I will never forget that as long as I live. No guy had ever told me I was perfect before, and yes, I am not "perfect" by society standards or heavenly standards, but for Justin, I was perfect, and he was perfect to me. Everything about him I loved and still love. I have to admit I was never really attracted to shorter guys, because I am not a short, petite girl, so taller guys always made me feel a little more secure, but I didn't care with Justin. When I went to visit him for the first time out of town, after he started working for Auger, we had decided to go out both Friday and Saturday night, and I didn't have an outfit for Saturday because we weren't going to go out but that Friday. I'm not that kind of girl that packs 400 extra outfits for a weekend excursion. I pack exactly what I need and nothing more. Anyway, we went shopping that Saturday and I found these 4 or 5 inch fushia high heels that I just HAD to have! I wore them to go out that night, and I remember Justin being funny and walking on his tip toes in the parking lot because I was so much taller than him, and everyone was laughing. I miss stuff like that, and I will never forget those good times we had together.
I am really trying to hold it together in these last few months until Jensen gets here, and I know the first few months he is born will be hard, but I know I have lots of support, and I will not be shy to ask for help or company when I am lonely or sad. I am excited and scared to start this next chapter in my life with Jensen and Brayden, my two little boys :) They are both very special to me and mean so much to me in different ways. I am so grateful to have this opportunity to be a mother the second time. I miss my love but I have two little loves that will take up ALOT of my time and energy! I'm looking forward to my life in the near future!!!
Monday, May 16, 2011
Just me....
I haven't written in a while, and I feel like I need to. I have talked alot of loss, and that's really it, but I wanted to talk more about me. That sounds selfish, but I wanted to tell a little of my struggles and victories!
When I was 20, I entered Red River, a rehabilitation facility for drug addicts. It was 2 weeks to the day after my father had passed away, and my family had had enough of me screwing up my life. I spent 28 days here, getting better, finding God again, and being scared shitless. All I had known for the last few years before that was drugs, alcohol, and more drugs, oh, and extreme inner hate for myself. I fueled my addiction, hoping I would either die, or at some point just get tired and quit, but neither of those things happened, and I needed help. I stayed sober and clean for 2 1/2 years, no drugs, no alcohol, but plenty of other things to fill the void I was constantly trying to fill. Boys, Red Bull, more inner hate, coffee, cigarettes, you name it, I was ingesting it. I was never really happy with myself, even after rehab. I moved here, there, everywhere. I ended up in Nashville Tennessee when I was 22. I had finally gotten out of Louisiana, something I had longed for since I was a child. My mother would always tell me, "Where ever you go, there you are" Well, duh, I thought, but after several more years, I finally realized what she meant. Where ever you are in this life, you must be happy with YOU, because you can run and run, but you'll always take yourself with you.
Part of me loved Nashville, and part of me was so damn miserable. I was 600+ miles away from my mother, broke, no clue how to pay bills and buy groceries, and no love for me. Well, in April or May of 2006, I finally relapsed. I said fuck it, and I ordered an apple martini. Not long after that I was snorting cocaine again and hating myself even more. I mad a promise to myself that if I touched ecstasy, I would quit all together. Well, that night came and went, and I sure didn't stop getting stoned, drunk, high, whatever I could do that wouldn't kill a small horse. The last night I did cocaine, I was driving home at 9am afer being up all night and morning and thought that a Stanley Steamer van was the cops following me to bust me. Me....what was I thinking? Yes, I had done illegal drugs, but why was I so special to think that the Nashville Metro police digused themselves in a Stanley Steamer van to follow me home??! I wasn't selling drugs, or transporting them. That is just how crazy and insane I was at the time. I thought ridiculous things like that. There was actually a Stanley Steamer van following me, but it only did so until we got to the 4 lane road that lead to my house. Now that I look back, that was pretty funny, and stupid of me to think. Anyway, I got to my little one bedroom apartment and with my little mut dog Bella, sat on the end of my bed and thought, "What the fuck am I doing?" I started crying and just started asking for help. I wasn't really praying to God, I was just asking for help. It felt like a beam of light hit me through the window, and I called a friend and got help, again. Shortly after getting clean and sober again, I met him, Jack. My first impression of this guy was that he was the biggest jerk I had ever met. He didn't even look me in the eye when he shook my hand....little did I know that night, he would become the father of my child, a sperm donor...
I found out September 9th, 2006 that I was pregnant. I remember literally gasping when I saw the result. No way, no way, no way. I was at my friend Joy's house, the same friend that I had called for help that last cocaine enduced episode I had had. I don't even think it took 10 seconds to pop up as a positive result. I was in shock, I started crying and had no idea what I was going to do. I called Jack and went to his place. I remember him being so excited, and all I could think was, there is no way in hell I want to spend the rest of my life with this guy, even though we had talked about getting married, having kids, and spending the rest of our lives together. Well, remember when I said I was always trying to fill a void? Case in point. He was filling a void temporarily for me. He was not what I needed, then, or now, and I knew in the very pit of my stomach, heart and soul that he was not who I was suppose to spend the rest of my life with. I tried to make it work with him, but I just couldn't. I broke it off with him, and moved back home. I left and he didn't know. Yes, I was pregnant with our child and just left, but I was scared of who and what he was becoming. He was so loving and caring, but when I told him I didn't think we were right for each other, he started being so mean and saying the most hateful things to me. I didn't want to be a part of that. I didn't want to see what he was capable of.
I spent the next 9 months with so much worry about what was going to happen. My family didn't think I would be able to take care of a baby, and to be honest, I didn't think I was capable either. The day my son was born changed my entire life. He was the best thing, at that time, that could have happened to me. I finally grew up, well, maybe after a few months of him being here. I was finally happy, for the most part. All I could think was that I was his protector, he was me and I was he. This tiny little being was part of me, regardless of how he got here. I was finally repsonsible for something bigger than myself, and I was ready for the challenge. So, all the time I was pregnant, and for the first 2 or 3 years of my sons life, I was sober and clean. I guess he was 2, almost 3 when I took my first drink again. I just wanted to see if I could handle it, see if anything had changed. You know the definition of insanity right? Doing the same thing, over and over, expecting the same result. I definitely made some mistakes, and it took me getting so drunk one night and having to call a friend, then ending up getting a ride from total strangers home, my mom coming over the next day and giving me a talking to, that I realized I REALLY needed to grow up and be Brayden's mom, and know that the days of going out and partying it up were over. I still go out, well, not right now because of being pregnant, but I do drink from time to time, but I don't let it get out of hand. I know what is important now, and it's not a night of idiocracy.
At this point, I will talk about Justin. I wasn't going to make this whole blog about our relationship, but I want to talk about how strong I know I have been and how much I could have fallen apart, because I have fallen apart when much less has happened to me. Justin was my soul mate. Our souls were so connected that when we held hands or when he looked at me a certain way, there was electricity. I was not ashamed to be who I was around him, and I knew that he loved me for who I was, and not for who I was trying to be. All the other relationships I have had in my life, I was trying to find myself and be someone I was really not. I think by the time I had met Justin, I had found a big piece of me, and he helped me find alot more of it, so I was completely open with him and I had no walls up. I almost broke things off with him after just a few weeks of dating because I was scared. I was scared as hell to fall in love, even though it was what I really wanted. I couldn't wait to have a life, a family, and become old with Justin. God had other plans, and I have to accept those plans and move on. When he passed away, I remember telling my brother Michael that I was really glad I was pregnant, because I would have probably stayed drunk. I can't say that I would have gone down some dark drug induced spiral if I wasn't pregnant. I'm not really sure what I would have done without Jensen, to be honest. Don't get me wrong, I love my son Brayden to death, and would never put him in harms way, but I cannot sit here and say that it wouldn't have crossed my mind to get absolutely trashed after Justin died. I wanted, and still want, all the pain to just go away. I know from all the insane things I have done in my life that nothing can fill a void like the love of your family, and the love of God. Those things have been my rock, and I am so glad that I have them to lean on. Yes, after his death, I have laid in the fetal postion, and cried so hard that I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to breath, but at least it wasn't because I had been on a drug fueled rampage the night before, like I used to do when I was younger. I missed my love. I missed and still miss a part of my heart. He is gone and it will be a very long time until I get to see him again.
Everytime I snorted a line of coke, popped a pill that I wasn't really sure what it was, or took so many shots that I couldn't feel my face, I was hoping to die. I was so afraid of living. I felt like I didn't deserve to. Being a mother, being in love and losing that love, being scared shitless to raise two children on my own, has all made me grow up and not be afraid to live or to die. After I had Brayden, I have obsessed about death every single day since his birth. What was going to happen when I left? Where was I going to go? Who would take care of my baby? So many questions that had no answers, and I literally, for the past 3 1/2 years asked myself those same questions every single day. After Justin died, I was not scared of dying or living. I know that everyone I love will be ok when I leave. I know that if I move foward in my life, that Justin will not be angry with me. I know in the pit of my heart that everything will really be ok. I know in my life today that I don't need to try and find some drug to hallucinate on to make me happy or open my mind. Everything I ever needed to be happy was inside of me all along, and it's taken so much for me to figure that out. I am grateful for everything, good and bad, that has happened to me. It has made me who I am. I have seen people write as their facebook status, etc., "One day your life will flash before your eyes. Will your's be worth watching?" I would have to say, yes, and it can only get better from here.....
When I was 20, I entered Red River, a rehabilitation facility for drug addicts. It was 2 weeks to the day after my father had passed away, and my family had had enough of me screwing up my life. I spent 28 days here, getting better, finding God again, and being scared shitless. All I had known for the last few years before that was drugs, alcohol, and more drugs, oh, and extreme inner hate for myself. I fueled my addiction, hoping I would either die, or at some point just get tired and quit, but neither of those things happened, and I needed help. I stayed sober and clean for 2 1/2 years, no drugs, no alcohol, but plenty of other things to fill the void I was constantly trying to fill. Boys, Red Bull, more inner hate, coffee, cigarettes, you name it, I was ingesting it. I was never really happy with myself, even after rehab. I moved here, there, everywhere. I ended up in Nashville Tennessee when I was 22. I had finally gotten out of Louisiana, something I had longed for since I was a child. My mother would always tell me, "Where ever you go, there you are" Well, duh, I thought, but after several more years, I finally realized what she meant. Where ever you are in this life, you must be happy with YOU, because you can run and run, but you'll always take yourself with you.
Part of me loved Nashville, and part of me was so damn miserable. I was 600+ miles away from my mother, broke, no clue how to pay bills and buy groceries, and no love for me. Well, in April or May of 2006, I finally relapsed. I said fuck it, and I ordered an apple martini. Not long after that I was snorting cocaine again and hating myself even more. I mad a promise to myself that if I touched ecstasy, I would quit all together. Well, that night came and went, and I sure didn't stop getting stoned, drunk, high, whatever I could do that wouldn't kill a small horse. The last night I did cocaine, I was driving home at 9am afer being up all night and morning and thought that a Stanley Steamer van was the cops following me to bust me. Me....what was I thinking? Yes, I had done illegal drugs, but why was I so special to think that the Nashville Metro police digused themselves in a Stanley Steamer van to follow me home??! I wasn't selling drugs, or transporting them. That is just how crazy and insane I was at the time. I thought ridiculous things like that. There was actually a Stanley Steamer van following me, but it only did so until we got to the 4 lane road that lead to my house. Now that I look back, that was pretty funny, and stupid of me to think. Anyway, I got to my little one bedroom apartment and with my little mut dog Bella, sat on the end of my bed and thought, "What the fuck am I doing?" I started crying and just started asking for help. I wasn't really praying to God, I was just asking for help. It felt like a beam of light hit me through the window, and I called a friend and got help, again. Shortly after getting clean and sober again, I met him, Jack. My first impression of this guy was that he was the biggest jerk I had ever met. He didn't even look me in the eye when he shook my hand....little did I know that night, he would become the father of my child, a sperm donor...
I found out September 9th, 2006 that I was pregnant. I remember literally gasping when I saw the result. No way, no way, no way. I was at my friend Joy's house, the same friend that I had called for help that last cocaine enduced episode I had had. I don't even think it took 10 seconds to pop up as a positive result. I was in shock, I started crying and had no idea what I was going to do. I called Jack and went to his place. I remember him being so excited, and all I could think was, there is no way in hell I want to spend the rest of my life with this guy, even though we had talked about getting married, having kids, and spending the rest of our lives together. Well, remember when I said I was always trying to fill a void? Case in point. He was filling a void temporarily for me. He was not what I needed, then, or now, and I knew in the very pit of my stomach, heart and soul that he was not who I was suppose to spend the rest of my life with. I tried to make it work with him, but I just couldn't. I broke it off with him, and moved back home. I left and he didn't know. Yes, I was pregnant with our child and just left, but I was scared of who and what he was becoming. He was so loving and caring, but when I told him I didn't think we were right for each other, he started being so mean and saying the most hateful things to me. I didn't want to be a part of that. I didn't want to see what he was capable of.
I spent the next 9 months with so much worry about what was going to happen. My family didn't think I would be able to take care of a baby, and to be honest, I didn't think I was capable either. The day my son was born changed my entire life. He was the best thing, at that time, that could have happened to me. I finally grew up, well, maybe after a few months of him being here. I was finally happy, for the most part. All I could think was that I was his protector, he was me and I was he. This tiny little being was part of me, regardless of how he got here. I was finally repsonsible for something bigger than myself, and I was ready for the challenge. So, all the time I was pregnant, and for the first 2 or 3 years of my sons life, I was sober and clean. I guess he was 2, almost 3 when I took my first drink again. I just wanted to see if I could handle it, see if anything had changed. You know the definition of insanity right? Doing the same thing, over and over, expecting the same result. I definitely made some mistakes, and it took me getting so drunk one night and having to call a friend, then ending up getting a ride from total strangers home, my mom coming over the next day and giving me a talking to, that I realized I REALLY needed to grow up and be Brayden's mom, and know that the days of going out and partying it up were over. I still go out, well, not right now because of being pregnant, but I do drink from time to time, but I don't let it get out of hand. I know what is important now, and it's not a night of idiocracy.
At this point, I will talk about Justin. I wasn't going to make this whole blog about our relationship, but I want to talk about how strong I know I have been and how much I could have fallen apart, because I have fallen apart when much less has happened to me. Justin was my soul mate. Our souls were so connected that when we held hands or when he looked at me a certain way, there was electricity. I was not ashamed to be who I was around him, and I knew that he loved me for who I was, and not for who I was trying to be. All the other relationships I have had in my life, I was trying to find myself and be someone I was really not. I think by the time I had met Justin, I had found a big piece of me, and he helped me find alot more of it, so I was completely open with him and I had no walls up. I almost broke things off with him after just a few weeks of dating because I was scared. I was scared as hell to fall in love, even though it was what I really wanted. I couldn't wait to have a life, a family, and become old with Justin. God had other plans, and I have to accept those plans and move on. When he passed away, I remember telling my brother Michael that I was really glad I was pregnant, because I would have probably stayed drunk. I can't say that I would have gone down some dark drug induced spiral if I wasn't pregnant. I'm not really sure what I would have done without Jensen, to be honest. Don't get me wrong, I love my son Brayden to death, and would never put him in harms way, but I cannot sit here and say that it wouldn't have crossed my mind to get absolutely trashed after Justin died. I wanted, and still want, all the pain to just go away. I know from all the insane things I have done in my life that nothing can fill a void like the love of your family, and the love of God. Those things have been my rock, and I am so glad that I have them to lean on. Yes, after his death, I have laid in the fetal postion, and cried so hard that I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to breath, but at least it wasn't because I had been on a drug fueled rampage the night before, like I used to do when I was younger. I missed my love. I missed and still miss a part of my heart. He is gone and it will be a very long time until I get to see him again.
Everytime I snorted a line of coke, popped a pill that I wasn't really sure what it was, or took so many shots that I couldn't feel my face, I was hoping to die. I was so afraid of living. I felt like I didn't deserve to. Being a mother, being in love and losing that love, being scared shitless to raise two children on my own, has all made me grow up and not be afraid to live or to die. After I had Brayden, I have obsessed about death every single day since his birth. What was going to happen when I left? Where was I going to go? Who would take care of my baby? So many questions that had no answers, and I literally, for the past 3 1/2 years asked myself those same questions every single day. After Justin died, I was not scared of dying or living. I know that everyone I love will be ok when I leave. I know that if I move foward in my life, that Justin will not be angry with me. I know in the pit of my heart that everything will really be ok. I know in my life today that I don't need to try and find some drug to hallucinate on to make me happy or open my mind. Everything I ever needed to be happy was inside of me all along, and it's taken so much for me to figure that out. I am grateful for everything, good and bad, that has happened to me. It has made me who I am. I have seen people write as their facebook status, etc., "One day your life will flash before your eyes. Will your's be worth watching?" I would have to say, yes, and it can only get better from here.....
Friday, April 1, 2011
Well, well
April 1st, 2011
12:17 am
I haven't stayed up this late in a really long time. Justin was the one who always wanted to get in bed early, and I was more the night owl, but lately I have been so tired with the pregnancy that 8:30 is the most wonderful time of my day. Anyway, it's been a few weeks since I have blogged because I haven't had a computer. Thanks to Gary and his brother, I have a new laptop, new to me anyway.
I guess I want to talk about what has happened to me emotionally over the last few weeks. I get stronger everyday, but still sad most days. I get up, get ready for work, feed my son, look at myself in the mirror and think, OK, I can do this....put on a decent face and get to reality. I have been thinking about other experiences I have had in my life, the ones that have made me who I am today. Justin's death is the most recent in a long line of things that have impacted my life. It is strange of us as humans to think more about certain things after we have had loss. Let me take example getting this laptop. It's not brand new, I don't even know how old it is, but what does that matter? What does anything physically mean anyway? We can not take anything with us. When we leave, we leave memories and physical things, but those things don't replace us. I'm kind of getting off track....I have really been thinking of how blessed I really am. Tragedy happens everyday, to alot of people, and it can either impact you in a way that makes you turn inward, not want to see the light of day, and trust me, I have wanted to go there many times. I don't have that choice, nor do I want to do that. I am blessed with a beautiful child, and another gift on the way. I have my own apartment with HEAT and AIR, food, clothing, shoes, toothbrush, soap, cleaning supplies, dishes, a car, money for gas, a job, etc, etc....despite EVERYTHING I am blessed. I have seen how people live in South America, when I was in Honduras 6 years ago. Trust me, when we feel like we have NOTHING, we have alot more than most of those people have, even with "nothing". I believe that everything happens to you for a reason....every little thing, every little second of your life has some purpose, and you can either try and look for the good, or stay negative and expect that you will always get negative.
I could be one of those people that just says ya know what, screw this, and give up....but I won't do that, I don't want to do that. I have too much to live for. Who knows when God will call me home, I sure as hell don't, and didn't expect the love of my life to be gone from me so soon. But I do know this, I am not longer afraid, no matter what I have thought about in the past. I have questioned if there was a God, heaven, all of that, like I'm sure alot of people have done, but I know this one thing, whatever happens to me, anyone I leave behind will be ok, eventually. Sometimes I look at my son and I can't believe that some day he will be a man, he will be my age one day, it's crazy. And I would love to be there, for his first day of Pre-school, college, his wedding, his children being born, but let me tell you this, if the good Lord took me tonight, I would be ok. I know that there is good in this world, and there is evil in this world, but I am trying to stick to finding the good, in people, in things, in whatever. I am not saying become blind to bad things, but try not to focus so much on the negative.
I have been so blessed to have had so many different experiences in my life, and yes, some of them have been hard, but I have grown so much from them, and that is the blessing. My brain is getting fuzzy from being so tired. I will write more coherently tomorrow. Today was a good day, and ya know why? Because I got my ass up this morning and told myself that no matter what, it was going to be a good day, and that no one was going to mess it up for me! And that's exactly what happened. I am learning, and it's a great feeling!
12:17 am
I haven't stayed up this late in a really long time. Justin was the one who always wanted to get in bed early, and I was more the night owl, but lately I have been so tired with the pregnancy that 8:30 is the most wonderful time of my day. Anyway, it's been a few weeks since I have blogged because I haven't had a computer. Thanks to Gary and his brother, I have a new laptop, new to me anyway.
I guess I want to talk about what has happened to me emotionally over the last few weeks. I get stronger everyday, but still sad most days. I get up, get ready for work, feed my son, look at myself in the mirror and think, OK, I can do this....put on a decent face and get to reality. I have been thinking about other experiences I have had in my life, the ones that have made me who I am today. Justin's death is the most recent in a long line of things that have impacted my life. It is strange of us as humans to think more about certain things after we have had loss. Let me take example getting this laptop. It's not brand new, I don't even know how old it is, but what does that matter? What does anything physically mean anyway? We can not take anything with us. When we leave, we leave memories and physical things, but those things don't replace us. I'm kind of getting off track....I have really been thinking of how blessed I really am. Tragedy happens everyday, to alot of people, and it can either impact you in a way that makes you turn inward, not want to see the light of day, and trust me, I have wanted to go there many times. I don't have that choice, nor do I want to do that. I am blessed with a beautiful child, and another gift on the way. I have my own apartment with HEAT and AIR, food, clothing, shoes, toothbrush, soap, cleaning supplies, dishes, a car, money for gas, a job, etc, etc....despite EVERYTHING I am blessed. I have seen how people live in South America, when I was in Honduras 6 years ago. Trust me, when we feel like we have NOTHING, we have alot more than most of those people have, even with "nothing". I believe that everything happens to you for a reason....every little thing, every little second of your life has some purpose, and you can either try and look for the good, or stay negative and expect that you will always get negative.
I could be one of those people that just says ya know what, screw this, and give up....but I won't do that, I don't want to do that. I have too much to live for. Who knows when God will call me home, I sure as hell don't, and didn't expect the love of my life to be gone from me so soon. But I do know this, I am not longer afraid, no matter what I have thought about in the past. I have questioned if there was a God, heaven, all of that, like I'm sure alot of people have done, but I know this one thing, whatever happens to me, anyone I leave behind will be ok, eventually. Sometimes I look at my son and I can't believe that some day he will be a man, he will be my age one day, it's crazy. And I would love to be there, for his first day of Pre-school, college, his wedding, his children being born, but let me tell you this, if the good Lord took me tonight, I would be ok. I know that there is good in this world, and there is evil in this world, but I am trying to stick to finding the good, in people, in things, in whatever. I am not saying become blind to bad things, but try not to focus so much on the negative.
I have been so blessed to have had so many different experiences in my life, and yes, some of them have been hard, but I have grown so much from them, and that is the blessing. My brain is getting fuzzy from being so tired. I will write more coherently tomorrow. Today was a good day, and ya know why? Because I got my ass up this morning and told myself that no matter what, it was going to be a good day, and that no one was going to mess it up for me! And that's exactly what happened. I am learning, and it's a great feeling!
Saturday, March 19, 2011
One Month
March 19th, 2011
9:24 am
I haven't had a change to write in a while, or have just been too tired to do so. This may be my last post for a while because I need a new computer and the one I am on now is a loaner, and they need it back! So...anyway, I don't have anything really specific to talk about today. This week has been kind of hard because March has the exact days as February did, so I kind of almost relived mine and Justin's last week together, this past week.
It was like any other week I guess, but it wasn't at the same time. It was our first Valentine's together, and I was looking forward to many, many more. That has been the hardest thing is knowing I won't make any more memories with him, we won't celebrate any holidays, birthdays, or the birth of our child together. I know he is here in spirit, but it's just hard to not have him here physically. I want to be able to talk to him face to face, ask him how he feels about certain things, but I can't. Of course everyday I think about our life together, but this week I have really been thinking about things and what our life was like together. I am not ashamed to say that I talk to him as much as possible everyday, but like I told him this morning, I really wish I could hear what he had to say about stuff. Like our child's name. He told me a boy's name that he liked and honestly, it could be a boy or a girl's, but how do I know if he would like it to be a girl's name if that's what I end up having. I feel almost guilty for deciding things on my own, but I know in my heart I can't feel that way. Thursday was the worst day this week, and the last week of our life together, Thursday was one of the worst days because we got in a stupid argument that was mostly my fault. This Thursday I laid in my bed that night and talked to him and just cried, like I do alot, but this time I just really let it all out. I told him how I was mad at him for never telling me he had reactions to shellfish in the past and in the same breath I told him how much I loved him and I would never stop loving him. That night as I slept I had a dream with him in it, and he looked so handsome and I was so happy to see him. I don't remember if he said anything, and I don't think he did, but he just smiled at me and I knew he loved me so much. Yesterday I had a half day of work, and took Brayden with me. After I got off work we went and ate then went to the park. I was sitting on the bench watching Brayden play and I just looked straight up in the sky and there was a big cloud that was shaped like a heart. He knew what a shitty day I had Thursday and I feel like in some way he was letting me know that he is still here with me even if he's not "here".
I don't want to have any regrets in my life, but I know now that you should not take anything or anyone in your life for granted because you never know when it will be taken from you. I feel like I took Justin for granted sometimes because I just assumed he would be around for a long time. And what I mean is that, I might not have always said thank you for things he did for me, but in my heart I know he was treating me better than I had ever been treated in my life by a guy. He didn't have to tell me he loved me, he could just look at me and I knew it. I was looking foward to being his wife and the mother of his child. We started saying to each other "love you baby daddy" and "love you baby momma". Sometimes, I wonder why he even loved me because I am not the most pleasend person and don't always think before I speak or act. He loved me despite of my faults and the same went for me. We are all human and all have faults, and to truly fall in love you can't be looking for "mr or ms perfect". When that perfect person comes along, you have to overlook certain things and then you realize how perfect you actually are for each other. I have tried so hard to remember everything we talked about at dinner and on the way home the night he died, and I can't remember everything but I do remember some of what I thought, and I remember on the way home thinking how lucky I was, how in love with him I was, and how perfect we were for each other. I just can't believe it's already been a month that he's been gone. It seems like everyday is an eternity without him and sometimes I just can't imagine living until I'm old without him, but, that's the reality of the situation. Yeah, he might send me someone else to love me and the kids, and for me to love, but I will never love anyone like I loved him, and I don't think that anyone could ever love me the way he loved me. I am content right now in just being alone and possibly being alone for the rest of my life. Knowing that Justin is with me makes me feel better. There are times, especially at night that I can just feel him and feel his love. No matter what happens in my life, I know I can handle it, and that is the attitude I am keeping. He knew how strong I was and I think that is one thing he loved about me. He knew if it came down to it, I could take care of myself, so he wasn't worried about leaving. He knew all of us down here would be ok, and he knew that he would be able to watch over all of us. Justin was a good man and he was on the right track to make a really great life for alot of people. He was a great father and just an all around good soul. I will never forget our good times together, and how much he loved everyone that was in his life. :)
9:24 am
I haven't had a change to write in a while, or have just been too tired to do so. This may be my last post for a while because I need a new computer and the one I am on now is a loaner, and they need it back! So...anyway, I don't have anything really specific to talk about today. This week has been kind of hard because March has the exact days as February did, so I kind of almost relived mine and Justin's last week together, this past week.
It was like any other week I guess, but it wasn't at the same time. It was our first Valentine's together, and I was looking forward to many, many more. That has been the hardest thing is knowing I won't make any more memories with him, we won't celebrate any holidays, birthdays, or the birth of our child together. I know he is here in spirit, but it's just hard to not have him here physically. I want to be able to talk to him face to face, ask him how he feels about certain things, but I can't. Of course everyday I think about our life together, but this week I have really been thinking about things and what our life was like together. I am not ashamed to say that I talk to him as much as possible everyday, but like I told him this morning, I really wish I could hear what he had to say about stuff. Like our child's name. He told me a boy's name that he liked and honestly, it could be a boy or a girl's, but how do I know if he would like it to be a girl's name if that's what I end up having. I feel almost guilty for deciding things on my own, but I know in my heart I can't feel that way. Thursday was the worst day this week, and the last week of our life together, Thursday was one of the worst days because we got in a stupid argument that was mostly my fault. This Thursday I laid in my bed that night and talked to him and just cried, like I do alot, but this time I just really let it all out. I told him how I was mad at him for never telling me he had reactions to shellfish in the past and in the same breath I told him how much I loved him and I would never stop loving him. That night as I slept I had a dream with him in it, and he looked so handsome and I was so happy to see him. I don't remember if he said anything, and I don't think he did, but he just smiled at me and I knew he loved me so much. Yesterday I had a half day of work, and took Brayden with me. After I got off work we went and ate then went to the park. I was sitting on the bench watching Brayden play and I just looked straight up in the sky and there was a big cloud that was shaped like a heart. He knew what a shitty day I had Thursday and I feel like in some way he was letting me know that he is still here with me even if he's not "here".
I don't want to have any regrets in my life, but I know now that you should not take anything or anyone in your life for granted because you never know when it will be taken from you. I feel like I took Justin for granted sometimes because I just assumed he would be around for a long time. And what I mean is that, I might not have always said thank you for things he did for me, but in my heart I know he was treating me better than I had ever been treated in my life by a guy. He didn't have to tell me he loved me, he could just look at me and I knew it. I was looking foward to being his wife and the mother of his child. We started saying to each other "love you baby daddy" and "love you baby momma". Sometimes, I wonder why he even loved me because I am not the most pleasend person and don't always think before I speak or act. He loved me despite of my faults and the same went for me. We are all human and all have faults, and to truly fall in love you can't be looking for "mr or ms perfect". When that perfect person comes along, you have to overlook certain things and then you realize how perfect you actually are for each other. I have tried so hard to remember everything we talked about at dinner and on the way home the night he died, and I can't remember everything but I do remember some of what I thought, and I remember on the way home thinking how lucky I was, how in love with him I was, and how perfect we were for each other. I just can't believe it's already been a month that he's been gone. It seems like everyday is an eternity without him and sometimes I just can't imagine living until I'm old without him, but, that's the reality of the situation. Yeah, he might send me someone else to love me and the kids, and for me to love, but I will never love anyone like I loved him, and I don't think that anyone could ever love me the way he loved me. I am content right now in just being alone and possibly being alone for the rest of my life. Knowing that Justin is with me makes me feel better. There are times, especially at night that I can just feel him and feel his love. No matter what happens in my life, I know I can handle it, and that is the attitude I am keeping. He knew how strong I was and I think that is one thing he loved about me. He knew if it came down to it, I could take care of myself, so he wasn't worried about leaving. He knew all of us down here would be ok, and he knew that he would be able to watch over all of us. Justin was a good man and he was on the right track to make a really great life for alot of people. He was a great father and just an all around good soul. I will never forget our good times together, and how much he loved everyone that was in his life. :)
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Happy Thoughts
March 12th, 2011
7:37 am
Well, so much for sleeping in. I have been up since 6 am, but that's ok! Hopefully I will get a mid-morning nap.
So, most of my blogs haven't been "sad", but I haven't really talked about alot of happy stuff. I don't feel like I have anyway. I miss my love, I know that, but I wanted to talk about our life together, though it was short, it was intense and it was good. Justin was "the one". He and I were definitely different, and when they say opposites attract, they are right. When I first me him, I was still playing for the Cenla Derby Dames, which is roller derby if you are not aware. I was very happy doing that, and had finally found something I was good at besides being a mother. I had moved back here from Nashville in 2006 and was pretty derpressed I had to do so. Alexandria is not a bad place, it's just very closed minded in my opinion and not very diverse. I really loved living in Nashville, but like everything, it had it's downfalls. So, anyway, I was going to school, working, raising Brayden and I didn't really have "my" thing. I played softball at LSUA for a little bit, wanted to join an adult soccer team because I missed playing so much, but I never did it. I was pretty down on myself and didn't have an outlet. A friend of mine asked me last year if I wanted to join a derby team, and without really knowing what it was, I decided to try it out. After the first bout we went to, I was hooked. I wanted to play soooooo freakin' bad. I am not THAT much of a violent person, but I do have a streak in me that I was satisfying with derby.
I met Justin on a Saturday in Natchitoches, and he came back to Alexandria with me the next day and came to see me practice. He saw how tough I was physically, and I think he liked it :-) He realized soon after that I was very independent and touch emotionally, to an extent. I was a litte insecure with him, but he soon made me realize that he was crazy about me. We got to spend alot of time together when we first met because he was still working for Foster. When he went to work for Auger and was on the road, I wasn't sure if we were meant to be together. Like my mother told me, I haven't been very domesticated, and don't do well in relationships. I am 28 years old and have never dated someone for more than 4 months. After I got over the fact of being scared to be with Justin and let my walls come down, I fell so in love with him. I remember telling his cousin Carey after our Halloween bout October 30th, that I was falling in love with Justin. I was pretty intoxicated, but they say when you are drunk, you are honest. Well, I must have been telling the truth! I do remember the conversation that Justin and I had and I told him I wasn't sure about us and if we were going to work, then we needed to work on some stuff together. He was upset and said he didn't know what to say. I feel bad for that now, but on the other hand, I was glad I said something because we worked things out and our relationship was pretty good. Of course we had our little spats, but for the first few months, it was just bliss. That's the only way I can describe it. I had never felt that way about anyone and it felt so good to finally be in love. He would do little things for me that I thought were really sweet and made me feel so speical. He had come home during the week because I think they had got rained out where ever they were, and when he came and picked me up from work that day, he reached in the back seat and handed me some flowers. They weren't just any flowers, they were my favorite and my favorite color. No one had ever done that for me before. I don't know how many places he had to go or whatever, but all I know is that he did little stuff like that for me all the time, and he took such good care of me. Ok, ok, he spoiled me, and I loved it. He didn't spoil me with material things, he spoiled me with love. He would cook dinner, make my plate and drink for me, treated my son like he was his own, and we told each other we loved each other so much and so often.
I know that I fell for him the first night I met him, but I couldn't tell you when I actually fell in love with him, or when I realized that I wanted to marry him, but I did, and it was real. I had thought in the past that I wanted to be with a couple of guys for the rest of my life, but nope. It never felt like this. I wish that we would have just gotten married back in December when he called me one night and said, "let's just do it this weekend....get a marriage liscense this week and we'll go when I get home." I know there is nothing I can do about it now, but that weighs on my mind sometimes. I wanted to be his wife, and build a house together like we talked about, not let HIM build it for me, but be there side by side building a house with our own two hands. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. I remember someone telling me when I was talking about all this about 2-3 weeks after we met, and in their little young, immature head, said, 'don't you think it's a little soon to start talking about all that?' Actually, no, I didn't. I had always heard that when you find "the one", you know, deep in your heart and soul, and we knew. He was the first guy I ever trusted. I might have seen him 4 days out of a month, and that was hard sometimes because I would be going through something and just wanted him to be here to hold me and kiss my forhead and tell me it was going to be ok. Although, over the Christmas/New year holiday, we almost killed each other being together for a week and a half...ha, but I found out the next week that I was pregnant, so I was definitely on edge more than usual. I know it's kind of personal, but Justin would tell me all the time that he was pretty sure he wasn't able to have kids because he had never had a past girlfriend get pregnant. So, I knew that we wanted to have at least one more child in the future, so I almos begged him to get checked out when his insurance finally kicked in in Feb. I was just as surprised as he was when I found out I was pregnant, but we were both so happy and couldn't wait to have this baby together. I kind of went off on a tagent....let's get back to me trusting him. He was gone most of our relationship, so I really had to trust him, and I did. I told him one night while he was away that for ME to trust him was a big deal because I had never trusted anyone besides my dad and brothers. He and I had both not been treated that great in the past, so we both had reason to not trust each other, but we did. He would tell me sometimes that he thought he loved me more than I loved him, but I know that's not true, and at some points I think that I trusted him more than he trusted me. I loved that boy with every fiber of my being, and trusted him as well. I know he loved me and trusted me becasue friends I have met after he passed away said that anytime they talked to him, me and the baby were all the talked about.
I want to remember all the good things, and there weren't hardly any bad things, and I wouldn't even call them bad. We got in a few arguments, but we always came back and talked about them and fixed whatever we needed to fix. That is what I loved aobut our relationship. We took blame for what we had done wrong, and talked things out wth each other. We didn't stay mad at each other or let things build up until it was too late.
I knew he loved me for a fact when we went shopping at midnight on Thanksgiving night. We had Thanksgiving with my family, then went to his parents house that evening. I have never shopped on Black Friday, but they were having this midnight sale at Wal-Mart, and some stuff Brayden wanted for Christmas was on sale for pretty cheap. He and I were exhausted and were about to fall alseep on the couch, but we got up and went to Wal-Mart at 11:30 that night, and I remember telling him that I knew he loved me because most guys would have not gone with a girl they had pretty much just started dating, to get Christmas gifts for her son. I will never forget all the things he did for me and Brayden, and the stuff he sacrificed to give us and his daughter a good life. Justin was a good man, a kind and loving man. He would have done anything for anyone. He and I both had some problems in the past, but who doesn't have a few bumps in the road. I think at some point, you just learn what really matters. Having a family and being together was what was most important to us. It's been 3 weeks since Justin passed away, and it's feels like it's been one long day. Yes, I have slept, and gotten back into some normal routine, but things will never seem normal without him. I miss him so much and for the next few months, all I will have are our memories together, but I cannot wait to hold my little baby that we were blessed with. No matter what has happened in the past, I will keep my head up and be the best mom to my babies. Justin would want that, and I will honor his memory by being a great mom, and being as positive as I can be. I want my kids to love life like Justin did. He was definitely more positive than I was, so I am taking that with me from all this. Head up, think positive, and treat others like I would want to be treated. It's hard sometimes, but I can do it and I can teach my little ones to be that way too! Love you Justin and thank you for being in my life.
7:37 am
Well, so much for sleeping in. I have been up since 6 am, but that's ok! Hopefully I will get a mid-morning nap.
So, most of my blogs haven't been "sad", but I haven't really talked about alot of happy stuff. I don't feel like I have anyway. I miss my love, I know that, but I wanted to talk about our life together, though it was short, it was intense and it was good. Justin was "the one". He and I were definitely different, and when they say opposites attract, they are right. When I first me him, I was still playing for the Cenla Derby Dames, which is roller derby if you are not aware. I was very happy doing that, and had finally found something I was good at besides being a mother. I had moved back here from Nashville in 2006 and was pretty derpressed I had to do so. Alexandria is not a bad place, it's just very closed minded in my opinion and not very diverse. I really loved living in Nashville, but like everything, it had it's downfalls. So, anyway, I was going to school, working, raising Brayden and I didn't really have "my" thing. I played softball at LSUA for a little bit, wanted to join an adult soccer team because I missed playing so much, but I never did it. I was pretty down on myself and didn't have an outlet. A friend of mine asked me last year if I wanted to join a derby team, and without really knowing what it was, I decided to try it out. After the first bout we went to, I was hooked. I wanted to play soooooo freakin' bad. I am not THAT much of a violent person, but I do have a streak in me that I was satisfying with derby.
I met Justin on a Saturday in Natchitoches, and he came back to Alexandria with me the next day and came to see me practice. He saw how tough I was physically, and I think he liked it :-) He realized soon after that I was very independent and touch emotionally, to an extent. I was a litte insecure with him, but he soon made me realize that he was crazy about me. We got to spend alot of time together when we first met because he was still working for Foster. When he went to work for Auger and was on the road, I wasn't sure if we were meant to be together. Like my mother told me, I haven't been very domesticated, and don't do well in relationships. I am 28 years old and have never dated someone for more than 4 months. After I got over the fact of being scared to be with Justin and let my walls come down, I fell so in love with him. I remember telling his cousin Carey after our Halloween bout October 30th, that I was falling in love with Justin. I was pretty intoxicated, but they say when you are drunk, you are honest. Well, I must have been telling the truth! I do remember the conversation that Justin and I had and I told him I wasn't sure about us and if we were going to work, then we needed to work on some stuff together. He was upset and said he didn't know what to say. I feel bad for that now, but on the other hand, I was glad I said something because we worked things out and our relationship was pretty good. Of course we had our little spats, but for the first few months, it was just bliss. That's the only way I can describe it. I had never felt that way about anyone and it felt so good to finally be in love. He would do little things for me that I thought were really sweet and made me feel so speical. He had come home during the week because I think they had got rained out where ever they were, and when he came and picked me up from work that day, he reached in the back seat and handed me some flowers. They weren't just any flowers, they were my favorite and my favorite color. No one had ever done that for me before. I don't know how many places he had to go or whatever, but all I know is that he did little stuff like that for me all the time, and he took such good care of me. Ok, ok, he spoiled me, and I loved it. He didn't spoil me with material things, he spoiled me with love. He would cook dinner, make my plate and drink for me, treated my son like he was his own, and we told each other we loved each other so much and so often.
I know that I fell for him the first night I met him, but I couldn't tell you when I actually fell in love with him, or when I realized that I wanted to marry him, but I did, and it was real. I had thought in the past that I wanted to be with a couple of guys for the rest of my life, but nope. It never felt like this. I wish that we would have just gotten married back in December when he called me one night and said, "let's just do it this weekend....get a marriage liscense this week and we'll go when I get home." I know there is nothing I can do about it now, but that weighs on my mind sometimes. I wanted to be his wife, and build a house together like we talked about, not let HIM build it for me, but be there side by side building a house with our own two hands. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. I remember someone telling me when I was talking about all this about 2-3 weeks after we met, and in their little young, immature head, said, 'don't you think it's a little soon to start talking about all that?' Actually, no, I didn't. I had always heard that when you find "the one", you know, deep in your heart and soul, and we knew. He was the first guy I ever trusted. I might have seen him 4 days out of a month, and that was hard sometimes because I would be going through something and just wanted him to be here to hold me and kiss my forhead and tell me it was going to be ok. Although, over the Christmas/New year holiday, we almost killed each other being together for a week and a half...ha, but I found out the next week that I was pregnant, so I was definitely on edge more than usual. I know it's kind of personal, but Justin would tell me all the time that he was pretty sure he wasn't able to have kids because he had never had a past girlfriend get pregnant. So, I knew that we wanted to have at least one more child in the future, so I almos begged him to get checked out when his insurance finally kicked in in Feb. I was just as surprised as he was when I found out I was pregnant, but we were both so happy and couldn't wait to have this baby together. I kind of went off on a tagent....let's get back to me trusting him. He was gone most of our relationship, so I really had to trust him, and I did. I told him one night while he was away that for ME to trust him was a big deal because I had never trusted anyone besides my dad and brothers. He and I had both not been treated that great in the past, so we both had reason to not trust each other, but we did. He would tell me sometimes that he thought he loved me more than I loved him, but I know that's not true, and at some points I think that I trusted him more than he trusted me. I loved that boy with every fiber of my being, and trusted him as well. I know he loved me and trusted me becasue friends I have met after he passed away said that anytime they talked to him, me and the baby were all the talked about.
I want to remember all the good things, and there weren't hardly any bad things, and I wouldn't even call them bad. We got in a few arguments, but we always came back and talked about them and fixed whatever we needed to fix. That is what I loved aobut our relationship. We took blame for what we had done wrong, and talked things out wth each other. We didn't stay mad at each other or let things build up until it was too late.
I knew he loved me for a fact when we went shopping at midnight on Thanksgiving night. We had Thanksgiving with my family, then went to his parents house that evening. I have never shopped on Black Friday, but they were having this midnight sale at Wal-Mart, and some stuff Brayden wanted for Christmas was on sale for pretty cheap. He and I were exhausted and were about to fall alseep on the couch, but we got up and went to Wal-Mart at 11:30 that night, and I remember telling him that I knew he loved me because most guys would have not gone with a girl they had pretty much just started dating, to get Christmas gifts for her son. I will never forget all the things he did for me and Brayden, and the stuff he sacrificed to give us and his daughter a good life. Justin was a good man, a kind and loving man. He would have done anything for anyone. He and I both had some problems in the past, but who doesn't have a few bumps in the road. I think at some point, you just learn what really matters. Having a family and being together was what was most important to us. It's been 3 weeks since Justin passed away, and it's feels like it's been one long day. Yes, I have slept, and gotten back into some normal routine, but things will never seem normal without him. I miss him so much and for the next few months, all I will have are our memories together, but I cannot wait to hold my little baby that we were blessed with. No matter what has happened in the past, I will keep my head up and be the best mom to my babies. Justin would want that, and I will honor his memory by being a great mom, and being as positive as I can be. I want my kids to love life like Justin did. He was definitely more positive than I was, so I am taking that with me from all this. Head up, think positive, and treat others like I would want to be treated. It's hard sometimes, but I can do it and I can teach my little ones to be that way too! Love you Justin and thank you for being in my life.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)