Feb. 28th, 2011
7:52pm
Today was my first day back at work....it was ok. I like my job, and I like helping people feel better about themselves....I am an ortho assistant, and I really enjoy helping people feel better about themselves when they get their braces off. Anyway, I got to see my baby doctor today, and she made me feel alot better about the baby. I wasn't THAT worried, but I was. I felt like I put alot of stress on the baby last week, and I was concerned. She did a sonogram, and although I didn't hear the baby's heart beat, I got to see the little jumping bean move and see it's little heart beat. It will be a few more months until I find out the sex, but either way I will be happy because it's Justin's baby.
I am so emotionally drained tonight. On the way home from eating with my mom, I just felt like my world has fallen apart. I haven't felt that way yet. I have stayed strong and said I feel ok, but deep down inside, I am dying. I loved Justin so much, still do, and I just can't believe he is really gone. We used to tell each other that we couldn't wait to grow old together, and I never doubted that wouldn't happen. I could see us sitting in rocking chairs on the front porch of the house we were giong to build together, holding hands and just being happy to be next to each other. I think I am on the fence of being kind of mad, but I just can't bring myself to be that way because death is a part of life, and I don't want to be mad at God like I was when dad passed away. God has given me this precious child, he gave me Justin, and he gave me love like I never thought I would be able to find. My mom told me the day of Justin's wake, It is better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all. I have "lost" boyfriends in the past due to break-ups, but I didn't really care about any of those guys the way I cared about Justin, and I probably will never care about anyone like that ever again, and I am really ok with that. I feel fortunate to have had what I had with Justin and I am content to have known what being in love feels like, and I just don't think anyone could ever love me the way he did.
I am about to call it a night, it's been a long day. I get to go snuggle with the best snuggle bunny....my Brayden bear. I'm so lucky to have him in my life. He has been so sweet and anytime he has seen me cry, he just hugs me and that makes me feel so loved. Justin loved Brayden too and really helped him become the little person he is right now. I don't think Brayden would be pooping on the potty if it wasn't for Justin!!!
Anyway, for the most part, I am keeping my chin up and staying positive for the little jumping bean in my belly. This is my gift from Justin to his family and friends and I will do EVERYTHING in my power to have the healthiest baby possible.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Sunday, February 27, 2011
What a great day!
Feb. 27, 2011
7:48 pm
Well, February is almost over, and along with November, it has become one of my lest favorite months. I only cried about 4 or 5 times today, but all in all it was a great day! I woke up around 4:45, stayed up for a little bit, then fell back asleep for about an hour or so. When I woke up, I woke up with a smile. Justin came to me in my dreams. All I remember is that he was driving my car, and we pulled up to this empty space for lease and he should be where his new Karate place was going to be.....and no, Justin didn't do Karate...then for some reason, I was following him in a car and he was driving mine. I just remember the window was down and I leaned in and told him I loved him, and his eyes were SSSOOOOO blue. Justin had THE most beautiful eyes I had ever seen. They were blue, but around the iris, they were gold, and I pray to God our baby has his beautiful eyes!
Brayden and I got ready and went to Pitt Grill around 8am to eat pancakes....he loves his pancakes!!!! After that we took a road trip to Natchitoches to be with Justin's family for a birthday celebration. It was a little rough driving up there because I really wanted Justin to be with us, and of course I was thinking about last weekend and our last drive to Natchitoches together, and I let out some tears. I really try and not cry in front of Brayden, but I guess he knew what was going on, and he started getting upset and said he missed his daddy, and I told him I missed him too.
The rest of the day, however, was GREAT!!!! We had such a good time with the family. Brayden got to take his first boat ride, and I jumped in a pool that I'm pretty sure was 30 degrees!!!!! It was nice to be around family and feel all the love that was felt. We all miss Justin so much, but as we carry on with our lives, he is right here wth us every step of the way.....speaking of!!!.....Brayden and I went back to Mrs. Charlene and Mr. Jerry's house so I could bathe little man after the party was over at Aunt Pat's. My son saw something, and got a little scared. I'm pretty sure Justin was in the house and Brayden saw him because he kept telling me he wanted to go back outside. It was just Brayden and I in the house, so I'm not sure what else he could have seen. In a way, I am kind of jealous because of course I would give anything to see the love of my life again.
On the way home, I was listening 105.5, the oldies country radio station, and I swear every song, until commerical was about love lasting forever or missing the one you love. I just smiled and told Jusitn how much I loved.
I go back to work tomorrow, and I have to admit, I am NOT looking foward to it. I think routine will be good, but I really don't want to be around a bunch of people and I really don't want to break down like a big baby, but I think it may happen, and I think everything will be fine. I get to go see the doctor at 8 and check on the baby, and I think that will be a really good thing :) I know Justin will be right there with me. I told his mom and my mom that when I have the baby, I really want to be in the room by myself because Justin was going to be in there with me, and I know he will be there while his sweet baby is being born. Today was a good day an I'm very happy that it was!
7:48 pm
Well, February is almost over, and along with November, it has become one of my lest favorite months. I only cried about 4 or 5 times today, but all in all it was a great day! I woke up around 4:45, stayed up for a little bit, then fell back asleep for about an hour or so. When I woke up, I woke up with a smile. Justin came to me in my dreams. All I remember is that he was driving my car, and we pulled up to this empty space for lease and he should be where his new Karate place was going to be.....and no, Justin didn't do Karate...then for some reason, I was following him in a car and he was driving mine. I just remember the window was down and I leaned in and told him I loved him, and his eyes were SSSOOOOO blue. Justin had THE most beautiful eyes I had ever seen. They were blue, but around the iris, they were gold, and I pray to God our baby has his beautiful eyes!
Brayden and I got ready and went to Pitt Grill around 8am to eat pancakes....he loves his pancakes!!!! After that we took a road trip to Natchitoches to be with Justin's family for a birthday celebration. It was a little rough driving up there because I really wanted Justin to be with us, and of course I was thinking about last weekend and our last drive to Natchitoches together, and I let out some tears. I really try and not cry in front of Brayden, but I guess he knew what was going on, and he started getting upset and said he missed his daddy, and I told him I missed him too.
The rest of the day, however, was GREAT!!!! We had such a good time with the family. Brayden got to take his first boat ride, and I jumped in a pool that I'm pretty sure was 30 degrees!!!!! It was nice to be around family and feel all the love that was felt. We all miss Justin so much, but as we carry on with our lives, he is right here wth us every step of the way.....speaking of!!!.....Brayden and I went back to Mrs. Charlene and Mr. Jerry's house so I could bathe little man after the party was over at Aunt Pat's. My son saw something, and got a little scared. I'm pretty sure Justin was in the house and Brayden saw him because he kept telling me he wanted to go back outside. It was just Brayden and I in the house, so I'm not sure what else he could have seen. In a way, I am kind of jealous because of course I would give anything to see the love of my life again.
On the way home, I was listening 105.5, the oldies country radio station, and I swear every song, until commerical was about love lasting forever or missing the one you love. I just smiled and told Jusitn how much I loved.
I go back to work tomorrow, and I have to admit, I am NOT looking foward to it. I think routine will be good, but I really don't want to be around a bunch of people and I really don't want to break down like a big baby, but I think it may happen, and I think everything will be fine. I get to go see the doctor at 8 and check on the baby, and I think that will be a really good thing :) I know Justin will be right there with me. I told his mom and my mom that when I have the baby, I really want to be in the room by myself because Justin was going to be in there with me, and I know he will be there while his sweet baby is being born. Today was a good day an I'm very happy that it was!
Saturday, February 26, 2011
One week
I was dreading this day. Every night I realize I am one more day away from Justin. I can't believe it's already been a week since he passed away. Justin loved MMA fighting, and they are doing something like that tonight at the Coliseum, and I was going to buy us tickets to surprise him with and go tonight. I thought about still going, but I don't think I could enjoy myself. I feel like I am slipping into a depression, and I REALLY, REALLY don't want to do that. Justin wouldn't want me to do that. I am going to the doctor on Monday so they can just check the baby and make sure everything is still ok, and she is going to help me find grief counseling. I think I need it. I want to be strong, and I have been, but I know myself, and at some point, I will have a breakdown. I was remembering the other day that I went straight to rehab after my dad died and got lots of help for 28 days. So, I mentioned my problems with drugs, but didn't elaborate on it. I guess now would be a good time for that.
By the time I was 20, I had consumed enough drugs to kill a small horse, and my mom told me that she didn't think I would make it to 21, but 8 years later, I am still here. I started drinking when I was 13, and it was harmless, and honestly, I didn't even enjoy it. I smoked pot for the first time when I was 14, and from there it just progressed into something I could no longer control. Drugs made me forget about everything for just a little while. Forget the hate I had for myself and for everyone around me. I contemplated suicide so many times, and now I am so grateful I never went through with it. That is not the answer, and if you can just make it through the storm, I promise there is a rainbow on the other side. So, my dad died November 17th, 2003 and I went to rehab 2 weeks to the day he died. Of course, the first day, I was like everyone else their first day of rehab....I didn't have a problem, it was everyone else with the problem. Over the next few weeks, I learned alot about myself and what a horrible person I had been, and it wasn't because I was a bad person, it was because I was a sick person, body and soul. I stayed sober for 2 1/2 years, and after I had lived in Nashville for a little while, I had a 3 month relapse and finally got sober again. Shortly after I got sober, I met Brayden's dad, thought I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, but soon realized he was a crazy man. I left Nashville 3 months pregnant and never looked back. I really truly believe my son is what really saved my life. God knew I needed something to straighten me out for good. I took my first drink almost 2 years ago, and yeah, I messed up a bit, but finally grew up and realized that my life with my son was more important than anything. Of course, not right now, but I do enjoy my adult beverages every now and then. I just think I finally grew up, and I have my head on my shoulders MOST of the time.
I used to think that life was nothing but a party, and that was all that mattered, but I have found over the last few years, and especially the last few months that's not the case. I was so content with sitting on the couch with Justin or being at his parents on the river, not even talking, just being around each other. I think when you really, truly find the "one" you are suppose to be with, you are just comfortable around them and don't have to feel like you have to entertain them all the time or vice versa. Am I upset that I lost that? Of course! But I am so happy that I got to spend the last few months of his life with him. I am so happy that we both got to feel what true love feels like, because neither one of us had ever, truly felt that before. You can think you are in love with someone, and I had thought I was once before, but it is true what they say, when you know, you know. Justin and I had not been together very long, and we started talking about marriage, and I just KNEW he was the one. I used to just sit and stare at him on the couch and he would look at me and say...What?!....I told him, I just couldn't stop looking at him because he was so handsome. It was like a magnetism between us. I literally FELT electricity when we just held hands, or even looked in his eyes.
Justin texted me EVERY single morning, Good morning beautiful hope you have a good day, I love you.....I miss that so much because it let me know every single day how much I was loved, and that is important. If you love someone, let them know everyday that you care. Your children, family, friends, whoever....but LET the know.
Time is the only thing that will heal all of us that miss Justin. I still miss my dad, and especially when I look at my son and think about how much my dad would have loved that little angel. I know he is loving him from afar, but it's not the same. I told Justin's mom yesterday that when I have our baby, I want to be alone in the room because Justin was going to be in there with me, and I know he will still be there in spirit. I may be too strong willed at time, but I just feel like I have the strength to carry on with my life, and I am not going to sit around and feel sorry for myself. He never let me do that when he was here, and I know he doesn't want me to do that now. If you have ever found yourself in a situation similar to mine, know that you are not alone, and you can find strength, I promise.
By the time I was 20, I had consumed enough drugs to kill a small horse, and my mom told me that she didn't think I would make it to 21, but 8 years later, I am still here. I started drinking when I was 13, and it was harmless, and honestly, I didn't even enjoy it. I smoked pot for the first time when I was 14, and from there it just progressed into something I could no longer control. Drugs made me forget about everything for just a little while. Forget the hate I had for myself and for everyone around me. I contemplated suicide so many times, and now I am so grateful I never went through with it. That is not the answer, and if you can just make it through the storm, I promise there is a rainbow on the other side. So, my dad died November 17th, 2003 and I went to rehab 2 weeks to the day he died. Of course, the first day, I was like everyone else their first day of rehab....I didn't have a problem, it was everyone else with the problem. Over the next few weeks, I learned alot about myself and what a horrible person I had been, and it wasn't because I was a bad person, it was because I was a sick person, body and soul. I stayed sober for 2 1/2 years, and after I had lived in Nashville for a little while, I had a 3 month relapse and finally got sober again. Shortly after I got sober, I met Brayden's dad, thought I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, but soon realized he was a crazy man. I left Nashville 3 months pregnant and never looked back. I really truly believe my son is what really saved my life. God knew I needed something to straighten me out for good. I took my first drink almost 2 years ago, and yeah, I messed up a bit, but finally grew up and realized that my life with my son was more important than anything. Of course, not right now, but I do enjoy my adult beverages every now and then. I just think I finally grew up, and I have my head on my shoulders MOST of the time.
I used to think that life was nothing but a party, and that was all that mattered, but I have found over the last few years, and especially the last few months that's not the case. I was so content with sitting on the couch with Justin or being at his parents on the river, not even talking, just being around each other. I think when you really, truly find the "one" you are suppose to be with, you are just comfortable around them and don't have to feel like you have to entertain them all the time or vice versa. Am I upset that I lost that? Of course! But I am so happy that I got to spend the last few months of his life with him. I am so happy that we both got to feel what true love feels like, because neither one of us had ever, truly felt that before. You can think you are in love with someone, and I had thought I was once before, but it is true what they say, when you know, you know. Justin and I had not been together very long, and we started talking about marriage, and I just KNEW he was the one. I used to just sit and stare at him on the couch and he would look at me and say...What?!....I told him, I just couldn't stop looking at him because he was so handsome. It was like a magnetism between us. I literally FELT electricity when we just held hands, or even looked in his eyes.
Justin texted me EVERY single morning, Good morning beautiful hope you have a good day, I love you.....I miss that so much because it let me know every single day how much I was loved, and that is important. If you love someone, let them know everyday that you care. Your children, family, friends, whoever....but LET the know.
Time is the only thing that will heal all of us that miss Justin. I still miss my dad, and especially when I look at my son and think about how much my dad would have loved that little angel. I know he is loving him from afar, but it's not the same. I told Justin's mom yesterday that when I have our baby, I want to be alone in the room because Justin was going to be in there with me, and I know he will still be there in spirit. I may be too strong willed at time, but I just feel like I have the strength to carry on with my life, and I am not going to sit around and feel sorry for myself. He never let me do that when he was here, and I know he doesn't want me to do that now. If you have ever found yourself in a situation similar to mine, know that you are not alone, and you can find strength, I promise.
Friday, February 25, 2011
At this moment, I hate silence
2.25.2011
8:50 am
I have felt in the last few days that mornings are the worst. Most mornings this week, after I have dropped my son off at school, I come home to an empty quiet house. My boyfriend worked on the road, so he was here maybe 2 weekends a month, but I still for some reason hate the silence when I return home. All of his stuff is still in my house, and that is hard too. I know over the years with my dads passing, that a smell, an object, a song, or just something totally random will make me miss my dad alot, and possibly even cry.
The night Justin died, my mom and brother were at the hospital with me and my mom drove me back home. When we got in the car, it still smelled like Justin's cologne and that was really rough. For some reason this morning, when I got back in my car after I dropped B at school, it smelled like him again, but this time it was what he smelled like when he came home from work. It's a very distinctive smell....gritty, and dirty, but I liked it. I want to believe so bad that he is here with me in spirit. I do to a certain extent, but as humans we have to be able to touch and see something to believe it's real. I believe in God, so I guess I should totally believe he is here. I have this lamp that I haven't changed the bulbs in months....before I ever met Justin, and I FINALLY changed the bulbs yesterday, and after a little while, it just came on by itself. I wasn't scared or freaked out. I knew Justin was here with me. He was the light of my life. He was my other reason for living besides my son, but I will not stop living my life because he is here. I have made a vow to him and myself that I am going to be the best mother to our babies as I can be. That was one thing that attracted me to Justin first off. He interacted with kids so well, and took to my son like Brayden was his own flesh and blood. Brayden finally asked him a little while back if Justin was his daddy, and instead of Justin getting freaked out and avoiding the situation, he said "yeah buddy, I am" and that WAS Brayden's daddy. Justin told me he loved the way Brayden said his name because it was so cute....Brayden would say Jush-shin :) it is cute!
Justin opened my eyes and taught me that we need to just go with the flow. He always just wanted whatever made everyone else happy, and that made him happy. I want to live my life that way. It doesn't always have to be about what I want or even need. Life is not about being right or wrong, and I know this sounds totally hippie and cliche, but all you really need in life is love. To be surrounded by love and positive people will make you the happiest. Justin would call me negative Nancy sometimes, and he was right. I looked at the world in the wrong way. Justin had just bought some sunglasses last week when we was working in Mississippi, and he left them in my car. My mom and I went to visit his family the day after he passed at his parents house in Natchitoches, and I wore the sunglasses. After I had been wearing them awhile, I realized how much more blue the sky was, and green the grass was, and I silently asked him if this was the way he saw the world? Brighter than I could have ever seen it, and did he want me to see what he saw, and I think he did. I hate the tragedy had to change me the way it has, but I am on the other hand grateful because I have finally CHANGED and I feel like a better person from having Justin in my life.
I have not, and hopefully will not start to feel sorry for myself, have "pity parties" and ask, why me? That is wasteful and will not do anything good for me or my babies. And I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. I loved Justin with everything that I had, and I still love him with everything I have, and what's amazing is that at certain points throughout the day, I can still FEEL his love the way I felt it when we were close to each other. He knew how strong I was and knew how capable I was of taking care of two little lives on my own. When we first started dating, he said, "please don't take this the wrong way, but I have never dated someone like you" I asked what was that suppose to mean? he said he had always dated preppy type girls and I was like this rocker punk chick...lol....it was cute, but yeah, we were opposites to some degree, and it worked. I will miss him everyday of my life, but I am so grateful and blessed to have gotten to spend the time with him that i did, and I will hold on to our memories together like they are the last memories I will ever have. I have tried really hard to not think about finding him that night he died, and everything from that point. He did look so peaceful though, and I am glad I was there with him, and that we were with his parents.
I am going to get ready now to run errands and get some things done around the house. One thing I want to do today is go to a jeweler and see if they can set this gumball machine ring I have in silver. There is a story behind that I will share with you quickly. Last Saturday we took the kids to eat at San Luis in Natchitoches, and Justin always bought them stuff out of the little "gumball" machines. Well, my son picked out a plastic ring that was way to big for him, and a tattoo. I had put them both in my purse and totally forgot about them until I was with my mom on the way home after he died. I was digging in my purse for something, and I found the ring. I opened it and put it on my ring finger, and it was too big, so I had it on my middle finger, showed it to my mom and said, well, I finally got my engagement ring! Justin picked on me and told me he was going to buy me an engagement ring out of a gumball machine, and I'm glad I finally got it :)
Justin and I were going to have a commitment ceremony in May, because at this point we couldn't afford to get married, and then we talked about getting married in winter of 2013. I have thought about hyphenating my last name to Wiley-Burns because I will have his child, and as far as I am concerned, he was my husband. We hadn't been dating too long, and I went to visit him in Jackson where he was working, and we talked about getting married and he told me I WOULD be his wife one day. I am ok with the fact that I won't ever get to have a wedding ceremony with him, but I feel like we were already there, and that marriage is just a piece of paper. I have never felt love like that in my life, and I prayed so hard to find it. I am so glad that he was the man I fell in love with, and the man that gave me the gift of a child. I ask for continued prayers, not only for me, but for his family, his friends, and for our baby that has yet to see this world. May this child bring us as much joy and happiness that Justin did.
8:50 am
I have felt in the last few days that mornings are the worst. Most mornings this week, after I have dropped my son off at school, I come home to an empty quiet house. My boyfriend worked on the road, so he was here maybe 2 weekends a month, but I still for some reason hate the silence when I return home. All of his stuff is still in my house, and that is hard too. I know over the years with my dads passing, that a smell, an object, a song, or just something totally random will make me miss my dad alot, and possibly even cry.
The night Justin died, my mom and brother were at the hospital with me and my mom drove me back home. When we got in the car, it still smelled like Justin's cologne and that was really rough. For some reason this morning, when I got back in my car after I dropped B at school, it smelled like him again, but this time it was what he smelled like when he came home from work. It's a very distinctive smell....gritty, and dirty, but I liked it. I want to believe so bad that he is here with me in spirit. I do to a certain extent, but as humans we have to be able to touch and see something to believe it's real. I believe in God, so I guess I should totally believe he is here. I have this lamp that I haven't changed the bulbs in months....before I ever met Justin, and I FINALLY changed the bulbs yesterday, and after a little while, it just came on by itself. I wasn't scared or freaked out. I knew Justin was here with me. He was the light of my life. He was my other reason for living besides my son, but I will not stop living my life because he is here. I have made a vow to him and myself that I am going to be the best mother to our babies as I can be. That was one thing that attracted me to Justin first off. He interacted with kids so well, and took to my son like Brayden was his own flesh and blood. Brayden finally asked him a little while back if Justin was his daddy, and instead of Justin getting freaked out and avoiding the situation, he said "yeah buddy, I am" and that WAS Brayden's daddy. Justin told me he loved the way Brayden said his name because it was so cute....Brayden would say Jush-shin :) it is cute!
Justin opened my eyes and taught me that we need to just go with the flow. He always just wanted whatever made everyone else happy, and that made him happy. I want to live my life that way. It doesn't always have to be about what I want or even need. Life is not about being right or wrong, and I know this sounds totally hippie and cliche, but all you really need in life is love. To be surrounded by love and positive people will make you the happiest. Justin would call me negative Nancy sometimes, and he was right. I looked at the world in the wrong way. Justin had just bought some sunglasses last week when we was working in Mississippi, and he left them in my car. My mom and I went to visit his family the day after he passed at his parents house in Natchitoches, and I wore the sunglasses. After I had been wearing them awhile, I realized how much more blue the sky was, and green the grass was, and I silently asked him if this was the way he saw the world? Brighter than I could have ever seen it, and did he want me to see what he saw, and I think he did. I hate the tragedy had to change me the way it has, but I am on the other hand grateful because I have finally CHANGED and I feel like a better person from having Justin in my life.
I have not, and hopefully will not start to feel sorry for myself, have "pity parties" and ask, why me? That is wasteful and will not do anything good for me or my babies. And I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. I loved Justin with everything that I had, and I still love him with everything I have, and what's amazing is that at certain points throughout the day, I can still FEEL his love the way I felt it when we were close to each other. He knew how strong I was and knew how capable I was of taking care of two little lives on my own. When we first started dating, he said, "please don't take this the wrong way, but I have never dated someone like you" I asked what was that suppose to mean? he said he had always dated preppy type girls and I was like this rocker punk chick...lol....it was cute, but yeah, we were opposites to some degree, and it worked. I will miss him everyday of my life, but I am so grateful and blessed to have gotten to spend the time with him that i did, and I will hold on to our memories together like they are the last memories I will ever have. I have tried really hard to not think about finding him that night he died, and everything from that point. He did look so peaceful though, and I am glad I was there with him, and that we were with his parents.
I am going to get ready now to run errands and get some things done around the house. One thing I want to do today is go to a jeweler and see if they can set this gumball machine ring I have in silver. There is a story behind that I will share with you quickly. Last Saturday we took the kids to eat at San Luis in Natchitoches, and Justin always bought them stuff out of the little "gumball" machines. Well, my son picked out a plastic ring that was way to big for him, and a tattoo. I had put them both in my purse and totally forgot about them until I was with my mom on the way home after he died. I was digging in my purse for something, and I found the ring. I opened it and put it on my ring finger, and it was too big, so I had it on my middle finger, showed it to my mom and said, well, I finally got my engagement ring! Justin picked on me and told me he was going to buy me an engagement ring out of a gumball machine, and I'm glad I finally got it :)
Justin and I were going to have a commitment ceremony in May, because at this point we couldn't afford to get married, and then we talked about getting married in winter of 2013. I have thought about hyphenating my last name to Wiley-Burns because I will have his child, and as far as I am concerned, he was my husband. We hadn't been dating too long, and I went to visit him in Jackson where he was working, and we talked about getting married and he told me I WOULD be his wife one day. I am ok with the fact that I won't ever get to have a wedding ceremony with him, but I feel like we were already there, and that marriage is just a piece of paper. I have never felt love like that in my life, and I prayed so hard to find it. I am so glad that he was the man I fell in love with, and the man that gave me the gift of a child. I ask for continued prayers, not only for me, but for his family, his friends, and for our baby that has yet to see this world. May this child bring us as much joy and happiness that Justin did.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
First Blog....
Feb. 24, 2011
11pm, Thursday
This is my first 'blog'. From the suggestion of a friend, I am going to write this to help people and help myself. So, what is the difference in a 'blog' and LiveJournal....REMEMBER THAT??? That was a retorical question, and all I know is that I am going to write to get what is in me, out of me. Grammar will not be perfect, neither will spelling or punctuation. Sorry mom, you did do a great job of teaching us proper English and skills to go along with it, but as you know, I am still my father's daughter.
Megatron....you may be asking why my blog has been named this, or you may not have even noticed or cared, but regardless, I will explain. I play roller derby, not now because I am 10 weeks pregnant, and I will expalin that later, and Megatron was one of the first names I came up with to used as my alter-ego name. I eventually chose Betty N-Rage after the infamous pin-up Bettie Page. Enough about that....
My name is Meghan. I am 28 years old. I live in Alexandria, Louisiana. My son is almost 4, and his name is Brayden, and like I said, I have one on the way. I would consider myself a widow, although I was never wed. That is the main reason I am doing this blog, to share my pain with you, and to hopefully help one person out there heal. Life is not about giving up and feeling sorry for yourself and what has happened to you, it's about LIVING, that's why it's called LIFE.
February 19th, 2011 was one of the worst days of my life, the other was November 17th, 2003. I recently lost the man I was going to marry, and 7 years ago I lost the man that gave me life. Along the way, I have had personal tragedy and things I have overcome and I'm damn proud of myself for doing so.(maybe this is the place that I should have a warning label that language unsuitable for young children may be used).
We can start right there, my past and my drug problem. ::Gasp:: Drugs?? Oh no she didn't! Yep, yep I did. I was in rehab by the time I was 20 years old. I struggled a long time with addiction and finding out who the hell I really was. I overcame the demons and now I am happy for the first time in my life, and have been for about the past year. Finding out who I am is still in the works, but I feel that I am getting closer. My dads death really took a toll on me and I handled it all wrong and have regrets about not being clean when he died. I was not the daughter he raised and the woman he knew I had potential to be. I am so glad that my mother is still here and has seen me grow over the past 7 years into someone she is proud of. I am blessed to have a little boy that saved my life, because without him I would probably still have my face in a pile of cocaine. I just want to get one thing straight.....I am going to be totally honest in this blog because I want to HELP people, not be fake and be like, life has been WONDERFUL my whole time on this earth, so if you feel you cannot handle what I have to say, then feel free to not read what I write.
Losing Justin was the second worst thing that has happened to me, and the pain is still very, very, very fresh. I don't want to blog tonight just on him and our relationship because I have so much to say that I want to spread it out. I will just say that I love him with every ounce of my heart and soul, and he was the 2nd best thing that ever happened to me. Brayden was the first, and he knew that and was ok with it. His love was unconditional, and like none I had ever felt or will probably ever feel again. We are going to have a baby in September, and he was SO excited, and I am so SUPER excited now it's not even funny. I will have a piece of him for the rest of my life and I am so grateful that he left us all this gift. It still doesn't feel real, and it won't for a long, long time, but I know that healing is on the horizon because I healed with my father. I think Love and Pain are the strongest emotions we can feel as humans. But if we didn't have pain, we would never know how love truly feels. Ok, I am getting sleepy and I need to rest for myself and the baby. I will write more soon. Not sure when, but soon.
May peace be within you today and always,
Meghan
11pm, Thursday
This is my first 'blog'. From the suggestion of a friend, I am going to write this to help people and help myself. So, what is the difference in a 'blog' and LiveJournal....REMEMBER THAT??? That was a retorical question, and all I know is that I am going to write to get what is in me, out of me. Grammar will not be perfect, neither will spelling or punctuation. Sorry mom, you did do a great job of teaching us proper English and skills to go along with it, but as you know, I am still my father's daughter.
Megatron....you may be asking why my blog has been named this, or you may not have even noticed or cared, but regardless, I will explain. I play roller derby, not now because I am 10 weeks pregnant, and I will expalin that later, and Megatron was one of the first names I came up with to used as my alter-ego name. I eventually chose Betty N-Rage after the infamous pin-up Bettie Page. Enough about that....
My name is Meghan. I am 28 years old. I live in Alexandria, Louisiana. My son is almost 4, and his name is Brayden, and like I said, I have one on the way. I would consider myself a widow, although I was never wed. That is the main reason I am doing this blog, to share my pain with you, and to hopefully help one person out there heal. Life is not about giving up and feeling sorry for yourself and what has happened to you, it's about LIVING, that's why it's called LIFE.
February 19th, 2011 was one of the worst days of my life, the other was November 17th, 2003. I recently lost the man I was going to marry, and 7 years ago I lost the man that gave me life. Along the way, I have had personal tragedy and things I have overcome and I'm damn proud of myself for doing so.(maybe this is the place that I should have a warning label that language unsuitable for young children may be used).
We can start right there, my past and my drug problem. ::Gasp:: Drugs?? Oh no she didn't! Yep, yep I did. I was in rehab by the time I was 20 years old. I struggled a long time with addiction and finding out who the hell I really was. I overcame the demons and now I am happy for the first time in my life, and have been for about the past year. Finding out who I am is still in the works, but I feel that I am getting closer. My dads death really took a toll on me and I handled it all wrong and have regrets about not being clean when he died. I was not the daughter he raised and the woman he knew I had potential to be. I am so glad that my mother is still here and has seen me grow over the past 7 years into someone she is proud of. I am blessed to have a little boy that saved my life, because without him I would probably still have my face in a pile of cocaine. I just want to get one thing straight.....I am going to be totally honest in this blog because I want to HELP people, not be fake and be like, life has been WONDERFUL my whole time on this earth, so if you feel you cannot handle what I have to say, then feel free to not read what I write.
Losing Justin was the second worst thing that has happened to me, and the pain is still very, very, very fresh. I don't want to blog tonight just on him and our relationship because I have so much to say that I want to spread it out. I will just say that I love him with every ounce of my heart and soul, and he was the 2nd best thing that ever happened to me. Brayden was the first, and he knew that and was ok with it. His love was unconditional, and like none I had ever felt or will probably ever feel again. We are going to have a baby in September, and he was SO excited, and I am so SUPER excited now it's not even funny. I will have a piece of him for the rest of my life and I am so grateful that he left us all this gift. It still doesn't feel real, and it won't for a long, long time, but I know that healing is on the horizon because I healed with my father. I think Love and Pain are the strongest emotions we can feel as humans. But if we didn't have pain, we would never know how love truly feels. Ok, I am getting sleepy and I need to rest for myself and the baby. I will write more soon. Not sure when, but soon.
May peace be within you today and always,
Meghan
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