It's February, one of my least favorite months. The past few months with holidays has been rocky, but I'm making it through. I called today to make an appointment with a counselor, something I've been meaning to do for a very long time. I wish I could be one of those thick skinned people who can face their fears/life/sadness without help, but I cannot. I have been trying for a while and it's just not working for me. When you feel like a part of you has been ripped from you, it's not shameful to ask for help, to seek someone to share your emotions with. I've slowly and surely been losing myself, and I have to find me again.
I was once this vibrant, full of life woman and most of the time, I feel like a shell of a human. There are fleeting moments of pure joy and happiness and ok-ness with my life, and then I break and shatter. Picking up the pieces and putting myself back together is the hardest part. I hate my kids seeing me that way, and I try and hide it, but sometimes I'm not so good at it. Just the other day, Brayden said to me, 'Mom, I heard you crying again, please tell me what's wrong'. I didn't want to tell him. I didn't want him to worry about me, or him get upset. I told him I was fine and put on a "happy" face. Deep down, he truth was, I was not ok, but I want to be. It is unrealistic to think everyday will be filled with rainbows and unicorns, but I think it's not to much to ask for more than a couple days a month of happiness.
I want to look myself in the mirror and think, 'You're a badass. You've been through hell and back a few times in this life. You didn't give up like so many people would have. You kept going. You've made mistakes, but YOU are not your mistakes. You're here, thriving and being an awesome mother to the best things that have ever happened to you. You still have so much life to live, now go live it, damnit!' Maybe that should be my mantra.
Life is beautiful and wicked all at the same time. I think it's a job everyday to find the balance and not to get to caught up on the crappy things that happen. But, it's also not ok, in my opinion, to think that everyday will be perfect and you'll be happy 24/7, 365. A good friend of mine explained life to me in a way that makes so much sense, and I try to think about it when my brain is telling me I'll never be anything, or I'm worthless, or no one will ever love me again the way I was once loved, you know, all the stupid shit I shouldn't listen to, but do.We are like seasons. We live, we die, we come back to life. Not literally, like we are zombies, but figuratively. A huge part of me died years ago when a group of bitches in 6th grade tore me down so badly that I was seeing a therapist and on prozac at 11, but I went on to do awesome things in the following years and was sort of ok with me. I died, and came back to life. Maybe I didn't have he best "spring" of my life, but nonetheless, I survived that winter. I again died when my dad was diagnosed with a terminal illness. It took me a while to come back from that one, but I did eventually .The year I found roller derby, man did I have an awesome, "spring" filled with huge blossoms and blooms. I really thrived that year, and found an amazing partner that I thought I'd spend the rest of my life with. When he died, most of me died along with him, and although I've come back to life, I know I could be living better. I don't mean monetarily or materially, but within myself, in my soul. Life is a series of seasons, and it's up to us how long our "winters" of cold and miserable "death" will last, or when our "spring" will come and bring us back to "life". Does that make any sense? It does to me! Ha!
I hope anyone reading this, going through their own personal "winter" will know that everyday doesn't have to be miserable. Reach out to someone, as I have finally done. Get someone to listen. Know that it's ok to feel like you can't do it alone, because I think that we really are meant to connect with others on a deeply personal level. If we were meant to be alone, well, we would be. Make friends. Heal wounds. Love. It's really that simple. I'm taking my own advice now. Man, I love writing because what I couldn't make clear in my head, I can see very clearly now. It's a beautiful thing. Be kind to each other! <3
Monday, February 2, 2015
Tuesday, August 12, 2014
August 12, 2014
I was 27 years old when my fiance died. 27....that feels like a lifetime ago. For the past 3 1/2 years, I have struggled, asking why, wondering if I'm going to wake up from this nightmare and it was all just a bad dream. Some days are good, but most days, even if I don't think about it constantly, I think my soul is trying to still process what the hell really happened. I know you've heard the term, "victim of your own circumstance", and I'm here to tell you that I have made myself this for far too long. I have broken down relationships to the point that I'm sure no one wants to be around me. It's not like I have done it on purpose. It's not like I have wanted to be this bitter, but I am, and I realize it, and I'm changing it.
I have used grieving as an excuse to not work, or not be sociable, or just to be a huge bitch, but I think grief makes you someone you never intended to be. I'll just put this out there for all of the interwebs to know, but I have never, as far as I could remember, been really mentally stable. And then, throw in the only many that I'm sure will ever love me completely, that I was going to marry, dying. It's been tough, and I never expect anyone else who's never been through what I have, to understand. And on top of losing him, our child has an illness that I've dealt with the past 2 years and used as an excuse to not work, or be sociable, etc. All of my excuses are getting stuffed in a bag and put away in storage where no one will ever be able to find them. In the past few days, after realizing that my boys and my relationships with others has been effected for far too long, it's time to suit up and show up.
I was recently dumped, and I really thought that this guy was going to be a guy that I could have shared a great life with. I thought that this guy would be compassionate and understanding of my stress level and my need to still talk about my fiance at times. I thought that this guy was going to open his heart up to me, the way I opened mine up to him, but with a big slap of reality, this is not the case. Here's the thing though, I drove him away. I drive people away with my negativity, my lack of motivation, and my poor pitiful, look at the shit life has thrown at me. And it's taking me losing relationships with not only a perspective husband, but friends, and family, and even strangers!!! It's time for me to get off the merry-go-round of sadness and pity and do something with my life.
I'm in the process of finding child care for Jensen, securing a full time job, and getting my student loans up to date so that I may go back to school. And go back to school for something that is going to make my boys and my life better than it's ever been. I'm tired of looking at myself as a failure, like everything I touch turns to shit. Maybe you don't know this, or maybe you do, but the food that supposedly killed Justin, I gave to him. Did either of us know it would kill him? No, but it's taken me a very, very long time to convince myself it was not my fault he died. It's taken me a very long time to look at my kids and realize that not everything I touch turns out bad. That no matter what life throws my way, I have done something right, and I need to motivate myself to give these boys a better life. Not only material wise, but they need a better mother, a more mentally stable mother. I don't take meds, because I don't really believe in them. I pray for strength, guidance, understand, and wisdom to be the best person and best mother I can be.
I'm changing little by little every day, and I can tell you that I love it. It has taken me losing so much to realize how truly wonderful and special I am. I have never been good with self love, and I have always felt that if I wasn't loved by a man, that I wasn't loved. Well, I am here tonight to say that I am going to work very hard on self love, and not expect a man to make me feel whole I am going to work on self love, and show my children that loving themselves is the most purest type of love they will ever feel.
No one ever tells you what life with bring after you've lost someone so tragically, but I can tell you that no matter what, things do get better. Life will seem worth living again. You will wake up one day motivated to start living again, and not just existing. You will look at yourself in the mirror and see your potential. Life will get better, I can promise you that. Never give up!
I was 27 years old when my fiance died. 27....that feels like a lifetime ago. For the past 3 1/2 years, I have struggled, asking why, wondering if I'm going to wake up from this nightmare and it was all just a bad dream. Some days are good, but most days, even if I don't think about it constantly, I think my soul is trying to still process what the hell really happened. I know you've heard the term, "victim of your own circumstance", and I'm here to tell you that I have made myself this for far too long. I have broken down relationships to the point that I'm sure no one wants to be around me. It's not like I have done it on purpose. It's not like I have wanted to be this bitter, but I am, and I realize it, and I'm changing it.
I have used grieving as an excuse to not work, or not be sociable, or just to be a huge bitch, but I think grief makes you someone you never intended to be. I'll just put this out there for all of the interwebs to know, but I have never, as far as I could remember, been really mentally stable. And then, throw in the only many that I'm sure will ever love me completely, that I was going to marry, dying. It's been tough, and I never expect anyone else who's never been through what I have, to understand. And on top of losing him, our child has an illness that I've dealt with the past 2 years and used as an excuse to not work, or be sociable, etc. All of my excuses are getting stuffed in a bag and put away in storage where no one will ever be able to find them. In the past few days, after realizing that my boys and my relationships with others has been effected for far too long, it's time to suit up and show up.
I was recently dumped, and I really thought that this guy was going to be a guy that I could have shared a great life with. I thought that this guy would be compassionate and understanding of my stress level and my need to still talk about my fiance at times. I thought that this guy was going to open his heart up to me, the way I opened mine up to him, but with a big slap of reality, this is not the case. Here's the thing though, I drove him away. I drive people away with my negativity, my lack of motivation, and my poor pitiful, look at the shit life has thrown at me. And it's taking me losing relationships with not only a perspective husband, but friends, and family, and even strangers!!! It's time for me to get off the merry-go-round of sadness and pity and do something with my life.
I'm in the process of finding child care for Jensen, securing a full time job, and getting my student loans up to date so that I may go back to school. And go back to school for something that is going to make my boys and my life better than it's ever been. I'm tired of looking at myself as a failure, like everything I touch turns to shit. Maybe you don't know this, or maybe you do, but the food that supposedly killed Justin, I gave to him. Did either of us know it would kill him? No, but it's taken me a very, very long time to convince myself it was not my fault he died. It's taken me a very long time to look at my kids and realize that not everything I touch turns out bad. That no matter what life throws my way, I have done something right, and I need to motivate myself to give these boys a better life. Not only material wise, but they need a better mother, a more mentally stable mother. I don't take meds, because I don't really believe in them. I pray for strength, guidance, understand, and wisdom to be the best person and best mother I can be.
I'm changing little by little every day, and I can tell you that I love it. It has taken me losing so much to realize how truly wonderful and special I am. I have never been good with self love, and I have always felt that if I wasn't loved by a man, that I wasn't loved. Well, I am here tonight to say that I am going to work very hard on self love, and not expect a man to make me feel whole I am going to work on self love, and show my children that loving themselves is the most purest type of love they will ever feel.
No one ever tells you what life with bring after you've lost someone so tragically, but I can tell you that no matter what, things do get better. Life will seem worth living again. You will wake up one day motivated to start living again, and not just existing. You will look at yourself in the mirror and see your potential. Life will get better, I can promise you that. Never give up!
Sunday, August 3, 2014
I made a commitment to myself a few weeks ago to be less angry, especially with my kids. My stress level was through the roof. Everyone has stress, I totally get that, but it's how we deal with stress that can rule our lives or not. I was getting so overwhelmed emotionally, and screaming so much that I was hating myself and going to bed crying. My children do not and did not deserve that kind of crazy. I had to decide to stop myself from yelling, from exploding, from being a person I knew wasn't me and someone I did not want to be. I thought about my dad (God rest his soul), and how angry he would get and just fly off the handle, as the saying goes. I thought about how it was engrained in me to behave that way. I'm not saying what my dad did with his anger is the reason I get angry, but it taught me a way to deal with feelings that may not have been the healthiest.
So, here I have these two boys. One that has been through some tragic loss, and has had to comfort his mother being a mess too many times. And one that has been brought up by a mother who was not in her right mind for most of his little 2 year old life. The oldest, he's started to act out angrily, mimicking his own mother's behavior, and so therefore, the 2 year old does as well, because he wants to be like big brother. But, let's face it. I have taught me boys how to do deal with their feelings, in a very negative way. I had to make a change. I had to break this cycle of crazy screaming, yelling, out of control angry. A few friends posted articles on social media about raising kids that caught my attention. I usually skip those, because honestly, I'm not a "Pinterest" mom. I'm not a patient mom. I'm not a rainbow and fluffy unicorns kind of mom. I tell my kids how it is (mostly). I don't lie to my kids and sugar coat the world for them. If I'm broke (which is 95% of my life), I tell them so. I don't make up some excuse for why we can't do whatever it is they are asking to do, or asking to buy. I take my kids to the park (free). I take my kids to the zoo (free with membership I purchased when I had the money). I take my kids to festivals, and art walks, and church, and family functions. I tell my 7 year old the truth when he asks me about things (except Santa, and he's asked a few times. I don't want to take that from him just yet). My kids aren't in special play groups to "expand their learning and social level". My kids aren't eating top of the line food products because we are on food stamps, and despite what you may think, at the end of the month, it's still not enough. What I'm trying to say is that I am not a "perfect" mom, but I try my hardest. At least I am trying my hardest now.
I think in the very recent past, I was kidding myself in thinking I was trying my hardest at expressing my feelings, at least. I want my boys to be able to express themselves without exploding. Without yelling. Without thinking that being so angry you freak the hell out, is ok. I try and remind myself that they are only kids. They are learning. Yes, they are also pushing my buttons, and I am working on that big time. I let my kids "get away" with a lot because I was dealing with a lot emotionally. It's not that I didn't care, it's just that I didn't know how to process where I was with grief, and where I was with being a parent. I can say that in the past couple of weeks, since I made my decision to stop yelling to the point I'm attracting attention from my neighbors, things have been going well. Although I have a ton of other stress factors in my life right now, the weight of them is not as heavy since that little ah-ha moment I had. Now, instead of getting super angry right off hand, I take a quick second and breathe, think about why I'm actually getting angry, count to 10 and then speak. I talk to my kids and tell them what they have done. Do I still raise my voice some, yes, but I don't full force yell like a crazy person. I explain why I am upset or angry, and what my kids can do to rectify their behavior. I hope this reaches one tired, over worked, under appreciated momma out there who just can't seem to figure out why she's so angry.
Meghan
So, here I have these two boys. One that has been through some tragic loss, and has had to comfort his mother being a mess too many times. And one that has been brought up by a mother who was not in her right mind for most of his little 2 year old life. The oldest, he's started to act out angrily, mimicking his own mother's behavior, and so therefore, the 2 year old does as well, because he wants to be like big brother. But, let's face it. I have taught me boys how to do deal with their feelings, in a very negative way. I had to make a change. I had to break this cycle of crazy screaming, yelling, out of control angry. A few friends posted articles on social media about raising kids that caught my attention. I usually skip those, because honestly, I'm not a "Pinterest" mom. I'm not a patient mom. I'm not a rainbow and fluffy unicorns kind of mom. I tell my kids how it is (mostly). I don't lie to my kids and sugar coat the world for them. If I'm broke (which is 95% of my life), I tell them so. I don't make up some excuse for why we can't do whatever it is they are asking to do, or asking to buy. I take my kids to the park (free). I take my kids to the zoo (free with membership I purchased when I had the money). I take my kids to festivals, and art walks, and church, and family functions. I tell my 7 year old the truth when he asks me about things (except Santa, and he's asked a few times. I don't want to take that from him just yet). My kids aren't in special play groups to "expand their learning and social level". My kids aren't eating top of the line food products because we are on food stamps, and despite what you may think, at the end of the month, it's still not enough. What I'm trying to say is that I am not a "perfect" mom, but I try my hardest. At least I am trying my hardest now.
I think in the very recent past, I was kidding myself in thinking I was trying my hardest at expressing my feelings, at least. I want my boys to be able to express themselves without exploding. Without yelling. Without thinking that being so angry you freak the hell out, is ok. I try and remind myself that they are only kids. They are learning. Yes, they are also pushing my buttons, and I am working on that big time. I let my kids "get away" with a lot because I was dealing with a lot emotionally. It's not that I didn't care, it's just that I didn't know how to process where I was with grief, and where I was with being a parent. I can say that in the past couple of weeks, since I made my decision to stop yelling to the point I'm attracting attention from my neighbors, things have been going well. Although I have a ton of other stress factors in my life right now, the weight of them is not as heavy since that little ah-ha moment I had. Now, instead of getting super angry right off hand, I take a quick second and breathe, think about why I'm actually getting angry, count to 10 and then speak. I talk to my kids and tell them what they have done. Do I still raise my voice some, yes, but I don't full force yell like a crazy person. I explain why I am upset or angry, and what my kids can do to rectify their behavior. I hope this reaches one tired, over worked, under appreciated momma out there who just can't seem to figure out why she's so angry.
Meghan
Friday, June 27, 2014
It's been a long time!!
6.27.14
Man, oh man has it been a while since I have last put an entry into my blog! I bet y'all forgot I even had one. I know I did!! I will keep this short and sweet, but maybe soon I can update alot more. Life is good. I have everything I need. My kids are happy and healthy. I live in an amazing community and for the first time in my life, I am happy with who and what I have become. I have struggled and felt like I would never come out of the darkness, but look where I am, not there anymore. I'm so grateful tonight for being granted the opportunity to experience this life and all that it has to offer. If you are in a bad spot tonight, and you read this, please know that tomorrow is a brand new day to seize opportunities that you may not have had today. Life giveth and taketh, and we have to go with the flow. Be ready to be given the world, only to have it taken from you. No, don't live in negativity, but just stand strong in who you are and what you believe, and just know that no matter what, you will make it through whatever you are going through.
I do want to briefly share that in the past few years, since I started this blog, I have lost 5 jobs. Moved to a new city to start my life over with my boys. I have felt so defeated and so joyous. I have made new friends, and reconnected with old ones. I have seen life through rose colored glasses, and some days I didn't even want to open my eyes. Faith in a higher being, being absolutely positive when all I wanted was to stab someone in the eye, that's how I've gotten where I am. Tonight, for the first time in a very long while, I can say that I am truly happy. Yes, life is still life with ups and downs, but it's beautiful and I am so blessed for all the love and support and amazing people that I get to share this life with. I plan on writing more in my blog. I didn't have internet for a few years, and I still don't. Thanks to my awesome neighbor (thanks Amber!!) I get to use their Wifi. Alot can change in a year, in a day, in a moment. Cherish everything for what it's worth.
Man, oh man has it been a while since I have last put an entry into my blog! I bet y'all forgot I even had one. I know I did!! I will keep this short and sweet, but maybe soon I can update alot more. Life is good. I have everything I need. My kids are happy and healthy. I live in an amazing community and for the first time in my life, I am happy with who and what I have become. I have struggled and felt like I would never come out of the darkness, but look where I am, not there anymore. I'm so grateful tonight for being granted the opportunity to experience this life and all that it has to offer. If you are in a bad spot tonight, and you read this, please know that tomorrow is a brand new day to seize opportunities that you may not have had today. Life giveth and taketh, and we have to go with the flow. Be ready to be given the world, only to have it taken from you. No, don't live in negativity, but just stand strong in who you are and what you believe, and just know that no matter what, you will make it through whatever you are going through.
I do want to briefly share that in the past few years, since I started this blog, I have lost 5 jobs. Moved to a new city to start my life over with my boys. I have felt so defeated and so joyous. I have made new friends, and reconnected with old ones. I have seen life through rose colored glasses, and some days I didn't even want to open my eyes. Faith in a higher being, being absolutely positive when all I wanted was to stab someone in the eye, that's how I've gotten where I am. Tonight, for the first time in a very long while, I can say that I am truly happy. Yes, life is still life with ups and downs, but it's beautiful and I am so blessed for all the love and support and amazing people that I get to share this life with. I plan on writing more in my blog. I didn't have internet for a few years, and I still don't. Thanks to my awesome neighbor (thanks Amber!!) I get to use their Wifi. Alot can change in a year, in a day, in a moment. Cherish everything for what it's worth.
Friday, August 19, 2011
Little Jensen
January 10th 2011 was the day I told Justin I was pregnant with our baby. I actually texted him from work and he texted back, Really? Are you joking?. I asked him why would I joke about something like that, and hold him how happy I was to be pregnant with his baby. He was happy as well, and I was more in love with him than I had been before. My birthday was the next day, and instead of drinking a few cold ones, I had a salad at diet coke with my friends and mom. Justin was still working out of town and I had planned to see him that weekend in Baton Rouge. Saturday morning came and I felt really sick when I got up that morning, but just thought it was morning sickness. I fixed breakfast for me and little man, dozed in and out on the couch, and tried to get myself together before traveling. I ended up vomiting up my breakfast and once again just thought it was morning sickness. I called Justin and told him how shitty I felt, and he told me to not worry about coming, but I am hardheaded and wanted to see him so badly. I felt pretty horrible for the rest of the day, and on the way I remember texting him and telling him he better know how much I loved him because I felt so miserable. He said he knew and he was happy I was coming to visit.
This is going to sound super bratty, and I realize it now, but when I got there, he had not gotten anything for me for my birthday. I was a little upset and I told him so, which was crappy of me. We stopped at a service station at one point while driving around town and while I was in the bathroom he sneakily bought me this card that told me how much he loved me. That was one of the sweetest things he could have done, and was better than any other kind of gift he could have given me. I ended up staying one more night then I was going to and I am so glad I did, because that was the last time I would ever get to visit him out of town. He was always the one getting up super early on Monday mornings and getting to work. Now I was the one getting up at 4 am to drive back to Alexandria for work. At that point I realized I would have sacrificed alot for him at any point because I really like my sleep, and I definitely don't like getting up before the sun is up! He worked so hard to make our lives good, and I know he would have continued that because he told me he would!
Little did any of us know that just about a month later he would be gone, suddenly, tragically and without warning. Today I was thinking about our last day together, and it still feels like it was yesterday. Everything is still so fresh on my mind, all the time. My father has been deceased for almost 8 years, and I can still remember almost every detail of the day he died. When tragic things happen, just like when great things happen, the memories stick with us, I feel like forever. I have blogged about our last day together a few times I believe, so I won't go into much detail, but I remember two specific times that evening where I had never felt so much love for someone, other than my son, than I did with Justin. I never want to forget those feelings, but I know with time they will fade and all I will have left is knowing that I felt them at one point in my life. Several times this week and today, all I could think was that it's been 6 months, half of a year has gone by, and it doesn't seem possible. It doesn't seem possible that I will deliver our baby in 3 weeks and he won't be here physically, but for some reason, I can still see him in the "daddy" scrubs, holding Jensen and having the biggest smile on his face. He wanted nothing more than to the be best dad to his babies, and he was.
He definitely had my heart when he told me, without an conviction, that he wanted to adopt Brayden and make him officially his own son. I had waited for so long for someone to come into our lives and treat Brayden like their own because he deserved that, and still does. No one will ever "take" Justin's place, and when I will be ready to let someone in our lives again is the furthest thing from my mind. Tomorrow is my baby shower, and as much as I am looking forward to it, I am also thinking that it will be emotional for me. I have now gone through two pregnancies alone, and by alone I mean with the father not here. The first one by choice, and that is a WHOLE other blog in itself, and now one that I thought I would go through with the man that I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I call Justin my fiancee, and even though he never got down on one knee with a ring, he WAS the man I was going to marry, and on several occasions we discussed marriage. I sort of miss looking at engagement rings, wedding dresses and decorations for the perfect wedding that I was dreaming of, but I just can't even bring myself to indulge in any of that now. I can see myself walking down the aisle, Justin in his tux looking more handsome that ever and us getting married in the same church my parents did, but that is all it will ever be, me just imagining. On the happiest note, I will be holding our baby in just a few weeks, and I know in my heart and soul that this little life will remind all of us of Justin, and when God put him in my life, this was the plan from the beginning. It may not be what we wanted, but it is what God's will was, and I can't argue with that. We created life, and created a life that will carry with it so many special things, just like any child does really. I have definitely changed over the last 6 months, and alot of things that I thought were super important in life, I just realize they are not. Sometimes I wish I could shake people and make them see what I see, but I know we all see things differently and there is no way I could make you see through my eyes. I have proven beyond a doubt to myself that I am alot stronger than I ever thought possible. The road has been pretty bumpy the last 6 months, and I know that raising two little boys on my own is not going to be an easy task, but I am ready for it and I am ready to show them all the love I possible can muster up. Life is a beautiful journey that is full of ups and downs, and if we look at it the wrong way, we can find alot more downs than ups. I am not saying in anyway that losing Justin was an up, because I realized the other day that I can hardly remember the 3-4months after he died, and I feel like I am just now starting to come back to life in some way. What I am saying is that, for a short period of my life, I got to know what really being loved by another human being, besides family, felt like. I got to know someone with more patience than I think I will ever possibly be able to have, and I was given a child to care for that means so much to so many people. My life has changed so much in the last 10 years, and SOOO much in the last 5. I feel like I am starting to find out who I really am, and it's thanks to all the ups and downs life has thrown my way.
This is going to sound super bratty, and I realize it now, but when I got there, he had not gotten anything for me for my birthday. I was a little upset and I told him so, which was crappy of me. We stopped at a service station at one point while driving around town and while I was in the bathroom he sneakily bought me this card that told me how much he loved me. That was one of the sweetest things he could have done, and was better than any other kind of gift he could have given me. I ended up staying one more night then I was going to and I am so glad I did, because that was the last time I would ever get to visit him out of town. He was always the one getting up super early on Monday mornings and getting to work. Now I was the one getting up at 4 am to drive back to Alexandria for work. At that point I realized I would have sacrificed alot for him at any point because I really like my sleep, and I definitely don't like getting up before the sun is up! He worked so hard to make our lives good, and I know he would have continued that because he told me he would!
Little did any of us know that just about a month later he would be gone, suddenly, tragically and without warning. Today I was thinking about our last day together, and it still feels like it was yesterday. Everything is still so fresh on my mind, all the time. My father has been deceased for almost 8 years, and I can still remember almost every detail of the day he died. When tragic things happen, just like when great things happen, the memories stick with us, I feel like forever. I have blogged about our last day together a few times I believe, so I won't go into much detail, but I remember two specific times that evening where I had never felt so much love for someone, other than my son, than I did with Justin. I never want to forget those feelings, but I know with time they will fade and all I will have left is knowing that I felt them at one point in my life. Several times this week and today, all I could think was that it's been 6 months, half of a year has gone by, and it doesn't seem possible. It doesn't seem possible that I will deliver our baby in 3 weeks and he won't be here physically, but for some reason, I can still see him in the "daddy" scrubs, holding Jensen and having the biggest smile on his face. He wanted nothing more than to the be best dad to his babies, and he was.
He definitely had my heart when he told me, without an conviction, that he wanted to adopt Brayden and make him officially his own son. I had waited for so long for someone to come into our lives and treat Brayden like their own because he deserved that, and still does. No one will ever "take" Justin's place, and when I will be ready to let someone in our lives again is the furthest thing from my mind. Tomorrow is my baby shower, and as much as I am looking forward to it, I am also thinking that it will be emotional for me. I have now gone through two pregnancies alone, and by alone I mean with the father not here. The first one by choice, and that is a WHOLE other blog in itself, and now one that I thought I would go through with the man that I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I call Justin my fiancee, and even though he never got down on one knee with a ring, he WAS the man I was going to marry, and on several occasions we discussed marriage. I sort of miss looking at engagement rings, wedding dresses and decorations for the perfect wedding that I was dreaming of, but I just can't even bring myself to indulge in any of that now. I can see myself walking down the aisle, Justin in his tux looking more handsome that ever and us getting married in the same church my parents did, but that is all it will ever be, me just imagining. On the happiest note, I will be holding our baby in just a few weeks, and I know in my heart and soul that this little life will remind all of us of Justin, and when God put him in my life, this was the plan from the beginning. It may not be what we wanted, but it is what God's will was, and I can't argue with that. We created life, and created a life that will carry with it so many special things, just like any child does really. I have definitely changed over the last 6 months, and alot of things that I thought were super important in life, I just realize they are not. Sometimes I wish I could shake people and make them see what I see, but I know we all see things differently and there is no way I could make you see through my eyes. I have proven beyond a doubt to myself that I am alot stronger than I ever thought possible. The road has been pretty bumpy the last 6 months, and I know that raising two little boys on my own is not going to be an easy task, but I am ready for it and I am ready to show them all the love I possible can muster up. Life is a beautiful journey that is full of ups and downs, and if we look at it the wrong way, we can find alot more downs than ups. I am not saying in anyway that losing Justin was an up, because I realized the other day that I can hardly remember the 3-4months after he died, and I feel like I am just now starting to come back to life in some way. What I am saying is that, for a short period of my life, I got to know what really being loved by another human being, besides family, felt like. I got to know someone with more patience than I think I will ever possibly be able to have, and I was given a child to care for that means so much to so many people. My life has changed so much in the last 10 years, and SOOO much in the last 5. I feel like I am starting to find out who I really am, and it's thanks to all the ups and downs life has thrown my way.
Monday, July 18, 2011
5 months
July 18th, 2011
I can't believe it's been almost 5 months since Justin passed away. I have about 8 weeks until Jensen is due and the closer it gets, the harder it gets emotionally for me. Knowing that Justin was so happy about this baby and knowing that he would have been the best father is so hard. I have stayed strong, kept my head up and really tried to not give into being depressed or feeling sorry for myself, and I don't feel sorry for myself, I just miss Justin so bad. I remember my mom telling me that she literally waited for my dad to come home for 4 months after he died right after Justin died, and all I could think was, 4 months is such a long time and here it is close to 5 months and I really can't believe it's been this long. I still remember our last weekend together like it was yesterday, and especially our last night we spent together and how amazing it was, then how tragic it was. What breaks my heart even more, is the fact that over time I will forget his voice, his mannerisms, his laugh, but then again, maybe I won't. I haven't forgotten my dads, and I think the people we love the most we never forget those little things about them. Over the past few weeks, I have had several dreams about Justin and in every one of them he tells me he loves me, and the last one I had was actually our wedding, but he stayed in the back of the church and never met me at the altar, which was kind of ironic I guess. I love having dreams about him, they comfort me and make me so happy to see him. When I do dream about him, he is so handsome. More handsome that he ever was on earth, and he never fails to tell me he loves me. I remember having dreams of my dad when he first died and he didn't speak in he first few I had, but he does now, and it's the same way with Justin. I truly believe that our loved ones come visit us in our dreams and let us know that they are ok, at least that is what I want to believe.
I will have to have a scheduled C-section for this baby, and I have already told mine and Justin's family that I want to be in the room alone when I have Jensen because Justin would have been here with me, and I know that he will still be here in spirit. Most days I still can't believe that he is gone, and I still wait for him to come home on some weekends. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be able to let him go, and some days, I don't ever want to let him go. I have not been mad at God since he died, and I don't think that I ever will be, but I definitely don't understand why, and I never will, so I don't ask why. I was probably the happiest I have ever been in my life with Justin, and I don't know if I will ever be that happy again. I am happy to be a mom, and all the other things I am on a daily basis, but being with someone that accepts you for who you are and loves you no matter what is hard to replace. I will never forget the first night I met Justin, well, the second actually, because I met him at Kroger 5 months before that first official night...anyway....the night that we "met" at Carey's, he told me I was perfect to him, and I will never forget that as long as I live. No guy had ever told me I was perfect before, and yes, I am not "perfect" by society standards or heavenly standards, but for Justin, I was perfect, and he was perfect to me. Everything about him I loved and still love. I have to admit I was never really attracted to shorter guys, because I am not a short, petite girl, so taller guys always made me feel a little more secure, but I didn't care with Justin. When I went to visit him for the first time out of town, after he started working for Auger, we had decided to go out both Friday and Saturday night, and I didn't have an outfit for Saturday because we weren't going to go out but that Friday. I'm not that kind of girl that packs 400 extra outfits for a weekend excursion. I pack exactly what I need and nothing more. Anyway, we went shopping that Saturday and I found these 4 or 5 inch fushia high heels that I just HAD to have! I wore them to go out that night, and I remember Justin being funny and walking on his tip toes in the parking lot because I was so much taller than him, and everyone was laughing. I miss stuff like that, and I will never forget those good times we had together.
I am really trying to hold it together in these last few months until Jensen gets here, and I know the first few months he is born will be hard, but I know I have lots of support, and I will not be shy to ask for help or company when I am lonely or sad. I am excited and scared to start this next chapter in my life with Jensen and Brayden, my two little boys :) They are both very special to me and mean so much to me in different ways. I am so grateful to have this opportunity to be a mother the second time. I miss my love but I have two little loves that will take up ALOT of my time and energy! I'm looking forward to my life in the near future!!!
I can't believe it's been almost 5 months since Justin passed away. I have about 8 weeks until Jensen is due and the closer it gets, the harder it gets emotionally for me. Knowing that Justin was so happy about this baby and knowing that he would have been the best father is so hard. I have stayed strong, kept my head up and really tried to not give into being depressed or feeling sorry for myself, and I don't feel sorry for myself, I just miss Justin so bad. I remember my mom telling me that she literally waited for my dad to come home for 4 months after he died right after Justin died, and all I could think was, 4 months is such a long time and here it is close to 5 months and I really can't believe it's been this long. I still remember our last weekend together like it was yesterday, and especially our last night we spent together and how amazing it was, then how tragic it was. What breaks my heart even more, is the fact that over time I will forget his voice, his mannerisms, his laugh, but then again, maybe I won't. I haven't forgotten my dads, and I think the people we love the most we never forget those little things about them. Over the past few weeks, I have had several dreams about Justin and in every one of them he tells me he loves me, and the last one I had was actually our wedding, but he stayed in the back of the church and never met me at the altar, which was kind of ironic I guess. I love having dreams about him, they comfort me and make me so happy to see him. When I do dream about him, he is so handsome. More handsome that he ever was on earth, and he never fails to tell me he loves me. I remember having dreams of my dad when he first died and he didn't speak in he first few I had, but he does now, and it's the same way with Justin. I truly believe that our loved ones come visit us in our dreams and let us know that they are ok, at least that is what I want to believe.
I will have to have a scheduled C-section for this baby, and I have already told mine and Justin's family that I want to be in the room alone when I have Jensen because Justin would have been here with me, and I know that he will still be here in spirit. Most days I still can't believe that he is gone, and I still wait for him to come home on some weekends. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be able to let him go, and some days, I don't ever want to let him go. I have not been mad at God since he died, and I don't think that I ever will be, but I definitely don't understand why, and I never will, so I don't ask why. I was probably the happiest I have ever been in my life with Justin, and I don't know if I will ever be that happy again. I am happy to be a mom, and all the other things I am on a daily basis, but being with someone that accepts you for who you are and loves you no matter what is hard to replace. I will never forget the first night I met Justin, well, the second actually, because I met him at Kroger 5 months before that first official night...anyway....the night that we "met" at Carey's, he told me I was perfect to him, and I will never forget that as long as I live. No guy had ever told me I was perfect before, and yes, I am not "perfect" by society standards or heavenly standards, but for Justin, I was perfect, and he was perfect to me. Everything about him I loved and still love. I have to admit I was never really attracted to shorter guys, because I am not a short, petite girl, so taller guys always made me feel a little more secure, but I didn't care with Justin. When I went to visit him for the first time out of town, after he started working for Auger, we had decided to go out both Friday and Saturday night, and I didn't have an outfit for Saturday because we weren't going to go out but that Friday. I'm not that kind of girl that packs 400 extra outfits for a weekend excursion. I pack exactly what I need and nothing more. Anyway, we went shopping that Saturday and I found these 4 or 5 inch fushia high heels that I just HAD to have! I wore them to go out that night, and I remember Justin being funny and walking on his tip toes in the parking lot because I was so much taller than him, and everyone was laughing. I miss stuff like that, and I will never forget those good times we had together.
I am really trying to hold it together in these last few months until Jensen gets here, and I know the first few months he is born will be hard, but I know I have lots of support, and I will not be shy to ask for help or company when I am lonely or sad. I am excited and scared to start this next chapter in my life with Jensen and Brayden, my two little boys :) They are both very special to me and mean so much to me in different ways. I am so grateful to have this opportunity to be a mother the second time. I miss my love but I have two little loves that will take up ALOT of my time and energy! I'm looking forward to my life in the near future!!!
Monday, May 16, 2011
Just me....
I haven't written in a while, and I feel like I need to. I have talked alot of loss, and that's really it, but I wanted to talk more about me. That sounds selfish, but I wanted to tell a little of my struggles and victories!
When I was 20, I entered Red River, a rehabilitation facility for drug addicts. It was 2 weeks to the day after my father had passed away, and my family had had enough of me screwing up my life. I spent 28 days here, getting better, finding God again, and being scared shitless. All I had known for the last few years before that was drugs, alcohol, and more drugs, oh, and extreme inner hate for myself. I fueled my addiction, hoping I would either die, or at some point just get tired and quit, but neither of those things happened, and I needed help. I stayed sober and clean for 2 1/2 years, no drugs, no alcohol, but plenty of other things to fill the void I was constantly trying to fill. Boys, Red Bull, more inner hate, coffee, cigarettes, you name it, I was ingesting it. I was never really happy with myself, even after rehab. I moved here, there, everywhere. I ended up in Nashville Tennessee when I was 22. I had finally gotten out of Louisiana, something I had longed for since I was a child. My mother would always tell me, "Where ever you go, there you are" Well, duh, I thought, but after several more years, I finally realized what she meant. Where ever you are in this life, you must be happy with YOU, because you can run and run, but you'll always take yourself with you.
Part of me loved Nashville, and part of me was so damn miserable. I was 600+ miles away from my mother, broke, no clue how to pay bills and buy groceries, and no love for me. Well, in April or May of 2006, I finally relapsed. I said fuck it, and I ordered an apple martini. Not long after that I was snorting cocaine again and hating myself even more. I mad a promise to myself that if I touched ecstasy, I would quit all together. Well, that night came and went, and I sure didn't stop getting stoned, drunk, high, whatever I could do that wouldn't kill a small horse. The last night I did cocaine, I was driving home at 9am afer being up all night and morning and thought that a Stanley Steamer van was the cops following me to bust me. Me....what was I thinking? Yes, I had done illegal drugs, but why was I so special to think that the Nashville Metro police digused themselves in a Stanley Steamer van to follow me home??! I wasn't selling drugs, or transporting them. That is just how crazy and insane I was at the time. I thought ridiculous things like that. There was actually a Stanley Steamer van following me, but it only did so until we got to the 4 lane road that lead to my house. Now that I look back, that was pretty funny, and stupid of me to think. Anyway, I got to my little one bedroom apartment and with my little mut dog Bella, sat on the end of my bed and thought, "What the fuck am I doing?" I started crying and just started asking for help. I wasn't really praying to God, I was just asking for help. It felt like a beam of light hit me through the window, and I called a friend and got help, again. Shortly after getting clean and sober again, I met him, Jack. My first impression of this guy was that he was the biggest jerk I had ever met. He didn't even look me in the eye when he shook my hand....little did I know that night, he would become the father of my child, a sperm donor...
I found out September 9th, 2006 that I was pregnant. I remember literally gasping when I saw the result. No way, no way, no way. I was at my friend Joy's house, the same friend that I had called for help that last cocaine enduced episode I had had. I don't even think it took 10 seconds to pop up as a positive result. I was in shock, I started crying and had no idea what I was going to do. I called Jack and went to his place. I remember him being so excited, and all I could think was, there is no way in hell I want to spend the rest of my life with this guy, even though we had talked about getting married, having kids, and spending the rest of our lives together. Well, remember when I said I was always trying to fill a void? Case in point. He was filling a void temporarily for me. He was not what I needed, then, or now, and I knew in the very pit of my stomach, heart and soul that he was not who I was suppose to spend the rest of my life with. I tried to make it work with him, but I just couldn't. I broke it off with him, and moved back home. I left and he didn't know. Yes, I was pregnant with our child and just left, but I was scared of who and what he was becoming. He was so loving and caring, but when I told him I didn't think we were right for each other, he started being so mean and saying the most hateful things to me. I didn't want to be a part of that. I didn't want to see what he was capable of.
I spent the next 9 months with so much worry about what was going to happen. My family didn't think I would be able to take care of a baby, and to be honest, I didn't think I was capable either. The day my son was born changed my entire life. He was the best thing, at that time, that could have happened to me. I finally grew up, well, maybe after a few months of him being here. I was finally happy, for the most part. All I could think was that I was his protector, he was me and I was he. This tiny little being was part of me, regardless of how he got here. I was finally repsonsible for something bigger than myself, and I was ready for the challenge. So, all the time I was pregnant, and for the first 2 or 3 years of my sons life, I was sober and clean. I guess he was 2, almost 3 when I took my first drink again. I just wanted to see if I could handle it, see if anything had changed. You know the definition of insanity right? Doing the same thing, over and over, expecting the same result. I definitely made some mistakes, and it took me getting so drunk one night and having to call a friend, then ending up getting a ride from total strangers home, my mom coming over the next day and giving me a talking to, that I realized I REALLY needed to grow up and be Brayden's mom, and know that the days of going out and partying it up were over. I still go out, well, not right now because of being pregnant, but I do drink from time to time, but I don't let it get out of hand. I know what is important now, and it's not a night of idiocracy.
At this point, I will talk about Justin. I wasn't going to make this whole blog about our relationship, but I want to talk about how strong I know I have been and how much I could have fallen apart, because I have fallen apart when much less has happened to me. Justin was my soul mate. Our souls were so connected that when we held hands or when he looked at me a certain way, there was electricity. I was not ashamed to be who I was around him, and I knew that he loved me for who I was, and not for who I was trying to be. All the other relationships I have had in my life, I was trying to find myself and be someone I was really not. I think by the time I had met Justin, I had found a big piece of me, and he helped me find alot more of it, so I was completely open with him and I had no walls up. I almost broke things off with him after just a few weeks of dating because I was scared. I was scared as hell to fall in love, even though it was what I really wanted. I couldn't wait to have a life, a family, and become old with Justin. God had other plans, and I have to accept those plans and move on. When he passed away, I remember telling my brother Michael that I was really glad I was pregnant, because I would have probably stayed drunk. I can't say that I would have gone down some dark drug induced spiral if I wasn't pregnant. I'm not really sure what I would have done without Jensen, to be honest. Don't get me wrong, I love my son Brayden to death, and would never put him in harms way, but I cannot sit here and say that it wouldn't have crossed my mind to get absolutely trashed after Justin died. I wanted, and still want, all the pain to just go away. I know from all the insane things I have done in my life that nothing can fill a void like the love of your family, and the love of God. Those things have been my rock, and I am so glad that I have them to lean on. Yes, after his death, I have laid in the fetal postion, and cried so hard that I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to breath, but at least it wasn't because I had been on a drug fueled rampage the night before, like I used to do when I was younger. I missed my love. I missed and still miss a part of my heart. He is gone and it will be a very long time until I get to see him again.
Everytime I snorted a line of coke, popped a pill that I wasn't really sure what it was, or took so many shots that I couldn't feel my face, I was hoping to die. I was so afraid of living. I felt like I didn't deserve to. Being a mother, being in love and losing that love, being scared shitless to raise two children on my own, has all made me grow up and not be afraid to live or to die. After I had Brayden, I have obsessed about death every single day since his birth. What was going to happen when I left? Where was I going to go? Who would take care of my baby? So many questions that had no answers, and I literally, for the past 3 1/2 years asked myself those same questions every single day. After Justin died, I was not scared of dying or living. I know that everyone I love will be ok when I leave. I know that if I move foward in my life, that Justin will not be angry with me. I know in the pit of my heart that everything will really be ok. I know in my life today that I don't need to try and find some drug to hallucinate on to make me happy or open my mind. Everything I ever needed to be happy was inside of me all along, and it's taken so much for me to figure that out. I am grateful for everything, good and bad, that has happened to me. It has made me who I am. I have seen people write as their facebook status, etc., "One day your life will flash before your eyes. Will your's be worth watching?" I would have to say, yes, and it can only get better from here.....
When I was 20, I entered Red River, a rehabilitation facility for drug addicts. It was 2 weeks to the day after my father had passed away, and my family had had enough of me screwing up my life. I spent 28 days here, getting better, finding God again, and being scared shitless. All I had known for the last few years before that was drugs, alcohol, and more drugs, oh, and extreme inner hate for myself. I fueled my addiction, hoping I would either die, or at some point just get tired and quit, but neither of those things happened, and I needed help. I stayed sober and clean for 2 1/2 years, no drugs, no alcohol, but plenty of other things to fill the void I was constantly trying to fill. Boys, Red Bull, more inner hate, coffee, cigarettes, you name it, I was ingesting it. I was never really happy with myself, even after rehab. I moved here, there, everywhere. I ended up in Nashville Tennessee when I was 22. I had finally gotten out of Louisiana, something I had longed for since I was a child. My mother would always tell me, "Where ever you go, there you are" Well, duh, I thought, but after several more years, I finally realized what she meant. Where ever you are in this life, you must be happy with YOU, because you can run and run, but you'll always take yourself with you.
Part of me loved Nashville, and part of me was so damn miserable. I was 600+ miles away from my mother, broke, no clue how to pay bills and buy groceries, and no love for me. Well, in April or May of 2006, I finally relapsed. I said fuck it, and I ordered an apple martini. Not long after that I was snorting cocaine again and hating myself even more. I mad a promise to myself that if I touched ecstasy, I would quit all together. Well, that night came and went, and I sure didn't stop getting stoned, drunk, high, whatever I could do that wouldn't kill a small horse. The last night I did cocaine, I was driving home at 9am afer being up all night and morning and thought that a Stanley Steamer van was the cops following me to bust me. Me....what was I thinking? Yes, I had done illegal drugs, but why was I so special to think that the Nashville Metro police digused themselves in a Stanley Steamer van to follow me home??! I wasn't selling drugs, or transporting them. That is just how crazy and insane I was at the time. I thought ridiculous things like that. There was actually a Stanley Steamer van following me, but it only did so until we got to the 4 lane road that lead to my house. Now that I look back, that was pretty funny, and stupid of me to think. Anyway, I got to my little one bedroom apartment and with my little mut dog Bella, sat on the end of my bed and thought, "What the fuck am I doing?" I started crying and just started asking for help. I wasn't really praying to God, I was just asking for help. It felt like a beam of light hit me through the window, and I called a friend and got help, again. Shortly after getting clean and sober again, I met him, Jack. My first impression of this guy was that he was the biggest jerk I had ever met. He didn't even look me in the eye when he shook my hand....little did I know that night, he would become the father of my child, a sperm donor...
I found out September 9th, 2006 that I was pregnant. I remember literally gasping when I saw the result. No way, no way, no way. I was at my friend Joy's house, the same friend that I had called for help that last cocaine enduced episode I had had. I don't even think it took 10 seconds to pop up as a positive result. I was in shock, I started crying and had no idea what I was going to do. I called Jack and went to his place. I remember him being so excited, and all I could think was, there is no way in hell I want to spend the rest of my life with this guy, even though we had talked about getting married, having kids, and spending the rest of our lives together. Well, remember when I said I was always trying to fill a void? Case in point. He was filling a void temporarily for me. He was not what I needed, then, or now, and I knew in the very pit of my stomach, heart and soul that he was not who I was suppose to spend the rest of my life with. I tried to make it work with him, but I just couldn't. I broke it off with him, and moved back home. I left and he didn't know. Yes, I was pregnant with our child and just left, but I was scared of who and what he was becoming. He was so loving and caring, but when I told him I didn't think we were right for each other, he started being so mean and saying the most hateful things to me. I didn't want to be a part of that. I didn't want to see what he was capable of.
I spent the next 9 months with so much worry about what was going to happen. My family didn't think I would be able to take care of a baby, and to be honest, I didn't think I was capable either. The day my son was born changed my entire life. He was the best thing, at that time, that could have happened to me. I finally grew up, well, maybe after a few months of him being here. I was finally happy, for the most part. All I could think was that I was his protector, he was me and I was he. This tiny little being was part of me, regardless of how he got here. I was finally repsonsible for something bigger than myself, and I was ready for the challenge. So, all the time I was pregnant, and for the first 2 or 3 years of my sons life, I was sober and clean. I guess he was 2, almost 3 when I took my first drink again. I just wanted to see if I could handle it, see if anything had changed. You know the definition of insanity right? Doing the same thing, over and over, expecting the same result. I definitely made some mistakes, and it took me getting so drunk one night and having to call a friend, then ending up getting a ride from total strangers home, my mom coming over the next day and giving me a talking to, that I realized I REALLY needed to grow up and be Brayden's mom, and know that the days of going out and partying it up were over. I still go out, well, not right now because of being pregnant, but I do drink from time to time, but I don't let it get out of hand. I know what is important now, and it's not a night of idiocracy.
At this point, I will talk about Justin. I wasn't going to make this whole blog about our relationship, but I want to talk about how strong I know I have been and how much I could have fallen apart, because I have fallen apart when much less has happened to me. Justin was my soul mate. Our souls were so connected that when we held hands or when he looked at me a certain way, there was electricity. I was not ashamed to be who I was around him, and I knew that he loved me for who I was, and not for who I was trying to be. All the other relationships I have had in my life, I was trying to find myself and be someone I was really not. I think by the time I had met Justin, I had found a big piece of me, and he helped me find alot more of it, so I was completely open with him and I had no walls up. I almost broke things off with him after just a few weeks of dating because I was scared. I was scared as hell to fall in love, even though it was what I really wanted. I couldn't wait to have a life, a family, and become old with Justin. God had other plans, and I have to accept those plans and move on. When he passed away, I remember telling my brother Michael that I was really glad I was pregnant, because I would have probably stayed drunk. I can't say that I would have gone down some dark drug induced spiral if I wasn't pregnant. I'm not really sure what I would have done without Jensen, to be honest. Don't get me wrong, I love my son Brayden to death, and would never put him in harms way, but I cannot sit here and say that it wouldn't have crossed my mind to get absolutely trashed after Justin died. I wanted, and still want, all the pain to just go away. I know from all the insane things I have done in my life that nothing can fill a void like the love of your family, and the love of God. Those things have been my rock, and I am so glad that I have them to lean on. Yes, after his death, I have laid in the fetal postion, and cried so hard that I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to breath, but at least it wasn't because I had been on a drug fueled rampage the night before, like I used to do when I was younger. I missed my love. I missed and still miss a part of my heart. He is gone and it will be a very long time until I get to see him again.
Everytime I snorted a line of coke, popped a pill that I wasn't really sure what it was, or took so many shots that I couldn't feel my face, I was hoping to die. I was so afraid of living. I felt like I didn't deserve to. Being a mother, being in love and losing that love, being scared shitless to raise two children on my own, has all made me grow up and not be afraid to live or to die. After I had Brayden, I have obsessed about death every single day since his birth. What was going to happen when I left? Where was I going to go? Who would take care of my baby? So many questions that had no answers, and I literally, for the past 3 1/2 years asked myself those same questions every single day. After Justin died, I was not scared of dying or living. I know that everyone I love will be ok when I leave. I know that if I move foward in my life, that Justin will not be angry with me. I know in the pit of my heart that everything will really be ok. I know in my life today that I don't need to try and find some drug to hallucinate on to make me happy or open my mind. Everything I ever needed to be happy was inside of me all along, and it's taken so much for me to figure that out. I am grateful for everything, good and bad, that has happened to me. It has made me who I am. I have seen people write as their facebook status, etc., "One day your life will flash before your eyes. Will your's be worth watching?" I would have to say, yes, and it can only get better from here.....
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