I made a commitment to myself a few weeks ago to be less angry, especially with my kids. My stress level was through the roof. Everyone has stress, I totally get that, but it's how we deal with stress that can rule our lives or not. I was getting so overwhelmed emotionally, and screaming so much that I was hating myself and going to bed crying. My children do not and did not deserve that kind of crazy. I had to decide to stop myself from yelling, from exploding, from being a person I knew wasn't me and someone I did not want to be. I thought about my dad (God rest his soul), and how angry he would get and just fly off the handle, as the saying goes. I thought about how it was engrained in me to behave that way. I'm not saying what my dad did with his anger is the reason I get angry, but it taught me a way to deal with feelings that may not have been the healthiest.

So, here I have these two boys. One that has been through some tragic loss, and has had to comfort his mother being a mess too many times. And one that has been brought up by a mother who was not in her right mind for most of his little 2 year old life. The oldest, he's started to act out angrily, mimicking his own mother's behavior, and so therefore, the 2 year old does as well, because he wants to be like big brother. But, let's face it. I have taught me boys how to do deal with their feelings, in a very negative way. I had to make a change. I had to break this cycle of crazy screaming, yelling, out of control angry. A few friends posted articles on social media about raising kids that caught my attention. I usually skip those, because honestly, I'm not a "Pinterest" mom. I'm not a patient mom. I'm not a rainbow and fluffy unicorns kind of mom. I tell my kids how it is (mostly). I don't lie to my kids and sugar coat the world for them. If I'm broke (which is 95% of my life), I tell them so. I don't make up some excuse for why we can't do whatever it is they are asking to do, or asking to buy. I take my kids to the park (free). I take my kids to the zoo (free with membership I purchased when I had the money). I take my kids to festivals, and art walks, and church, and family functions. I tell my 7 year old the truth when he asks me about things (except Santa, and he's asked a few times. I don't want to take that from him just yet). My kids aren't in special play groups to "expand their learning and social level". My kids aren't eating top of the line food products because we are on food stamps, and despite what you may think, at the end of the month, it's still not enough. What I'm trying to say is that I am not a "perfect" mom, but I try my hardest. At least I am trying my hardest now.

I think in the very recent past, I was kidding myself in thinking I was trying my hardest at expressing my feelings, at least. I want my boys to be able to express themselves without exploding. Without yelling. Without thinking that being so angry you freak the hell out, is ok. I try and remind myself that they are only kids. They are learning. Yes, they are also pushing my buttons, and I am working on that big time. I let my kids "get away" with a lot because I was dealing with a lot emotionally. It's not that I didn't care, it's just that I didn't know how to process where I was with grief, and where I was with being a parent. I can say that in the past couple of weeks, since I made my decision to stop yelling to the point I'm attracting attention from my neighbors, things have been going well. Although I have a ton of other stress factors in my life right now, the weight of them is not as heavy since that little ah-ha moment I had. Now, instead of getting super angry right off hand, I take a quick second and breathe, think about why I'm actually getting angry, count to 10 and then speak. I talk to my kids and tell them what they have done. Do I still raise my voice some, yes, but I don't full force yell like a crazy person. I explain why I am upset or angry, and what my kids can do to rectify their behavior. I hope this reaches one tired, over worked, under appreciated momma out there who just can't seem to figure out why she's so angry.

Meghan