August 12, 2014

I was 27 years old when my fiance died. 27....that feels like a lifetime ago. For the past 3 1/2 years, I have struggled, asking why, wondering if I'm going to wake up from this nightmare and it was all just a bad dream. Some days are good, but most days, even if I don't think about it constantly, I think my soul is trying to still process what the hell really happened. I know you've heard the term, "victim of your own circumstance", and I'm here to tell you that I have made myself this for far too long. I have broken down relationships to the point that I'm sure no one wants to be around me. It's not like I have done it on purpose. It's not like I have wanted to be this bitter, but I am, and I realize it, and I'm changing it.

I have used grieving as an excuse to not work, or not be sociable, or just to be a huge bitch, but I think grief makes you someone you never intended to be. I'll just put this out there for all of the interwebs to know, but I have never, as far as I could remember, been really mentally stable. And then, throw in the only many that I'm sure will ever love me completely, that I was going to marry, dying. It's been tough, and I never expect anyone else who's never been through what I have, to understand. And on top of losing him, our child has an illness that I've dealt with the past 2 years and used as an excuse to not work, or be sociable, etc. All of my excuses are getting stuffed in a bag and put away in storage where no one will ever be able to find them. In the past few days, after realizing that my boys and my relationships with others has been effected for far too long, it's time to suit up and show up.

I was recently dumped, and I really thought that this guy was going to be a guy that I could have shared a great life with. I thought that this guy would be compassionate and understanding of my stress level and my need to still talk about my fiance at times. I thought that this guy was going to open his heart up to me, the way I opened mine up to him, but with a big slap of reality, this is not the case. Here's the thing though, I drove him away. I drive people away with my negativity, my lack of motivation, and my poor pitiful, look at the shit life has thrown at me. And it's taking me losing relationships with not only a perspective husband, but friends, and family, and even strangers!!! It's time for me to get off the merry-go-round of sadness and pity and do something with my life.

I'm in the process of finding child care for Jensen, securing a full time job, and getting my student loans up to date so that I may go back to school. And go back to school for something that is going to make my boys and my life better than it's ever been. I'm tired of looking at myself as a failure, like everything I touch turns to shit. Maybe you don't know this, or maybe you do, but the food that supposedly killed Justin, I gave to him. Did either of us know it would kill him? No, but it's taken me a very, very long time to convince myself it was not my fault he died. It's taken me a very long time to look at my kids and realize that not everything I touch turns out bad. That no matter what life throws my way, I have done something right, and I need to motivate myself to give these boys a better life. Not only material wise, but they need a better mother, a more mentally stable mother. I don't take meds, because I don't really believe in them. I pray for strength, guidance, understand, and wisdom to be the best person and best mother I can be.

I'm changing little by little every day, and I can tell you that I love it. It has taken me losing so much to realize how truly wonderful and special I am. I have never been good with self love, and I have always felt that if I wasn't loved by a man, that I wasn't loved. Well, I am here tonight to say that I am going to work very hard on self love, and not expect a man to make me feel whole I am going to work on self love, and show my children that loving themselves is the most purest type of love they will ever feel.

No one ever tells you what life with bring after you've lost someone so tragically, but I can tell you that no matter what, things do get better. Life will seem worth living again. You will wake up one day motivated to start living again, and not just existing. You will look at yourself in the mirror and see your potential. Life will get better, I can promise you that. Never give up!