August 12, 2014
I was 27 years old when my fiance died. 27....that feels like a lifetime ago. For the past 3 1/2 years, I have struggled, asking why, wondering if I'm going to wake up from this nightmare and it was all just a bad dream. Some days are good, but most days, even if I don't think about it constantly, I think my soul is trying to still process what the hell really happened. I know you've heard the term, "victim of your own circumstance", and I'm here to tell you that I have made myself this for far too long. I have broken down relationships to the point that I'm sure no one wants to be around me. It's not like I have done it on purpose. It's not like I have wanted to be this bitter, but I am, and I realize it, and I'm changing it.
I have used grieving as an excuse to not work, or not be sociable, or just to be a huge bitch, but I think grief makes you someone you never intended to be. I'll just put this out there for all of the interwebs to know, but I have never, as far as I could remember, been really mentally stable. And then, throw in the only many that I'm sure will ever love me completely, that I was going to marry, dying. It's been tough, and I never expect anyone else who's never been through what I have, to understand. And on top of losing him, our child has an illness that I've dealt with the past 2 years and used as an excuse to not work, or be sociable, etc. All of my excuses are getting stuffed in a bag and put away in storage where no one will ever be able to find them. In the past few days, after realizing that my boys and my relationships with others has been effected for far too long, it's time to suit up and show up.
I was recently dumped, and I really thought that this guy was going to be a guy that I could have shared a great life with. I thought that this guy would be compassionate and understanding of my stress level and my need to still talk about my fiance at times. I thought that this guy was going to open his heart up to me, the way I opened mine up to him, but with a big slap of reality, this is not the case. Here's the thing though, I drove him away. I drive people away with my negativity, my lack of motivation, and my poor pitiful, look at the shit life has thrown at me. And it's taking me losing relationships with not only a perspective husband, but friends, and family, and even strangers!!! It's time for me to get off the merry-go-round of sadness and pity and do something with my life.
I'm in the process of finding child care for Jensen, securing a full time job, and getting my student loans up to date so that I may go back to school. And go back to school for something that is going to make my boys and my life better than it's ever been. I'm tired of looking at myself as a failure, like everything I touch turns to shit. Maybe you don't know this, or maybe you do, but the food that supposedly killed Justin, I gave to him. Did either of us know it would kill him? No, but it's taken me a very, very long time to convince myself it was not my fault he died. It's taken me a very long time to look at my kids and realize that not everything I touch turns out bad. That no matter what life throws my way, I have done something right, and I need to motivate myself to give these boys a better life. Not only material wise, but they need a better mother, a more mentally stable mother. I don't take meds, because I don't really believe in them. I pray for strength, guidance, understand, and wisdom to be the best person and best mother I can be.
I'm changing little by little every day, and I can tell you that I love it. It has taken me losing so much to realize how truly wonderful and special I am. I have never been good with self love, and I have always felt that if I wasn't loved by a man, that I wasn't loved. Well, I am here tonight to say that I am going to work very hard on self love, and not expect a man to make me feel whole I am going to work on self love, and show my children that loving themselves is the most purest type of love they will ever feel.
No one ever tells you what life with bring after you've lost someone so tragically, but I can tell you that no matter what, things do get better. Life will seem worth living again. You will wake up one day motivated to start living again, and not just existing. You will look at yourself in the mirror and see your potential. Life will get better, I can promise you that. Never give up!
Tuesday, August 12, 2014
Sunday, August 3, 2014
I made a commitment to myself a few weeks ago to be less angry, especially with my kids. My stress level was through the roof. Everyone has stress, I totally get that, but it's how we deal with stress that can rule our lives or not. I was getting so overwhelmed emotionally, and screaming so much that I was hating myself and going to bed crying. My children do not and did not deserve that kind of crazy. I had to decide to stop myself from yelling, from exploding, from being a person I knew wasn't me and someone I did not want to be. I thought about my dad (God rest his soul), and how angry he would get and just fly off the handle, as the saying goes. I thought about how it was engrained in me to behave that way. I'm not saying what my dad did with his anger is the reason I get angry, but it taught me a way to deal with feelings that may not have been the healthiest.
So, here I have these two boys. One that has been through some tragic loss, and has had to comfort his mother being a mess too many times. And one that has been brought up by a mother who was not in her right mind for most of his little 2 year old life. The oldest, he's started to act out angrily, mimicking his own mother's behavior, and so therefore, the 2 year old does as well, because he wants to be like big brother. But, let's face it. I have taught me boys how to do deal with their feelings, in a very negative way. I had to make a change. I had to break this cycle of crazy screaming, yelling, out of control angry. A few friends posted articles on social media about raising kids that caught my attention. I usually skip those, because honestly, I'm not a "Pinterest" mom. I'm not a patient mom. I'm not a rainbow and fluffy unicorns kind of mom. I tell my kids how it is (mostly). I don't lie to my kids and sugar coat the world for them. If I'm broke (which is 95% of my life), I tell them so. I don't make up some excuse for why we can't do whatever it is they are asking to do, or asking to buy. I take my kids to the park (free). I take my kids to the zoo (free with membership I purchased when I had the money). I take my kids to festivals, and art walks, and church, and family functions. I tell my 7 year old the truth when he asks me about things (except Santa, and he's asked a few times. I don't want to take that from him just yet). My kids aren't in special play groups to "expand their learning and social level". My kids aren't eating top of the line food products because we are on food stamps, and despite what you may think, at the end of the month, it's still not enough. What I'm trying to say is that I am not a "perfect" mom, but I try my hardest. At least I am trying my hardest now.
I think in the very recent past, I was kidding myself in thinking I was trying my hardest at expressing my feelings, at least. I want my boys to be able to express themselves without exploding. Without yelling. Without thinking that being so angry you freak the hell out, is ok. I try and remind myself that they are only kids. They are learning. Yes, they are also pushing my buttons, and I am working on that big time. I let my kids "get away" with a lot because I was dealing with a lot emotionally. It's not that I didn't care, it's just that I didn't know how to process where I was with grief, and where I was with being a parent. I can say that in the past couple of weeks, since I made my decision to stop yelling to the point I'm attracting attention from my neighbors, things have been going well. Although I have a ton of other stress factors in my life right now, the weight of them is not as heavy since that little ah-ha moment I had. Now, instead of getting super angry right off hand, I take a quick second and breathe, think about why I'm actually getting angry, count to 10 and then speak. I talk to my kids and tell them what they have done. Do I still raise my voice some, yes, but I don't full force yell like a crazy person. I explain why I am upset or angry, and what my kids can do to rectify their behavior. I hope this reaches one tired, over worked, under appreciated momma out there who just can't seem to figure out why she's so angry.
Meghan
So, here I have these two boys. One that has been through some tragic loss, and has had to comfort his mother being a mess too many times. And one that has been brought up by a mother who was not in her right mind for most of his little 2 year old life. The oldest, he's started to act out angrily, mimicking his own mother's behavior, and so therefore, the 2 year old does as well, because he wants to be like big brother. But, let's face it. I have taught me boys how to do deal with their feelings, in a very negative way. I had to make a change. I had to break this cycle of crazy screaming, yelling, out of control angry. A few friends posted articles on social media about raising kids that caught my attention. I usually skip those, because honestly, I'm not a "Pinterest" mom. I'm not a patient mom. I'm not a rainbow and fluffy unicorns kind of mom. I tell my kids how it is (mostly). I don't lie to my kids and sugar coat the world for them. If I'm broke (which is 95% of my life), I tell them so. I don't make up some excuse for why we can't do whatever it is they are asking to do, or asking to buy. I take my kids to the park (free). I take my kids to the zoo (free with membership I purchased when I had the money). I take my kids to festivals, and art walks, and church, and family functions. I tell my 7 year old the truth when he asks me about things (except Santa, and he's asked a few times. I don't want to take that from him just yet). My kids aren't in special play groups to "expand their learning and social level". My kids aren't eating top of the line food products because we are on food stamps, and despite what you may think, at the end of the month, it's still not enough. What I'm trying to say is that I am not a "perfect" mom, but I try my hardest. At least I am trying my hardest now.
I think in the very recent past, I was kidding myself in thinking I was trying my hardest at expressing my feelings, at least. I want my boys to be able to express themselves without exploding. Without yelling. Without thinking that being so angry you freak the hell out, is ok. I try and remind myself that they are only kids. They are learning. Yes, they are also pushing my buttons, and I am working on that big time. I let my kids "get away" with a lot because I was dealing with a lot emotionally. It's not that I didn't care, it's just that I didn't know how to process where I was with grief, and where I was with being a parent. I can say that in the past couple of weeks, since I made my decision to stop yelling to the point I'm attracting attention from my neighbors, things have been going well. Although I have a ton of other stress factors in my life right now, the weight of them is not as heavy since that little ah-ha moment I had. Now, instead of getting super angry right off hand, I take a quick second and breathe, think about why I'm actually getting angry, count to 10 and then speak. I talk to my kids and tell them what they have done. Do I still raise my voice some, yes, but I don't full force yell like a crazy person. I explain why I am upset or angry, and what my kids can do to rectify their behavior. I hope this reaches one tired, over worked, under appreciated momma out there who just can't seem to figure out why she's so angry.
Meghan
Friday, June 27, 2014
It's been a long time!!
6.27.14
Man, oh man has it been a while since I have last put an entry into my blog! I bet y'all forgot I even had one. I know I did!! I will keep this short and sweet, but maybe soon I can update alot more. Life is good. I have everything I need. My kids are happy and healthy. I live in an amazing community and for the first time in my life, I am happy with who and what I have become. I have struggled and felt like I would never come out of the darkness, but look where I am, not there anymore. I'm so grateful tonight for being granted the opportunity to experience this life and all that it has to offer. If you are in a bad spot tonight, and you read this, please know that tomorrow is a brand new day to seize opportunities that you may not have had today. Life giveth and taketh, and we have to go with the flow. Be ready to be given the world, only to have it taken from you. No, don't live in negativity, but just stand strong in who you are and what you believe, and just know that no matter what, you will make it through whatever you are going through.
I do want to briefly share that in the past few years, since I started this blog, I have lost 5 jobs. Moved to a new city to start my life over with my boys. I have felt so defeated and so joyous. I have made new friends, and reconnected with old ones. I have seen life through rose colored glasses, and some days I didn't even want to open my eyes. Faith in a higher being, being absolutely positive when all I wanted was to stab someone in the eye, that's how I've gotten where I am. Tonight, for the first time in a very long while, I can say that I am truly happy. Yes, life is still life with ups and downs, but it's beautiful and I am so blessed for all the love and support and amazing people that I get to share this life with. I plan on writing more in my blog. I didn't have internet for a few years, and I still don't. Thanks to my awesome neighbor (thanks Amber!!) I get to use their Wifi. Alot can change in a year, in a day, in a moment. Cherish everything for what it's worth.
Man, oh man has it been a while since I have last put an entry into my blog! I bet y'all forgot I even had one. I know I did!! I will keep this short and sweet, but maybe soon I can update alot more. Life is good. I have everything I need. My kids are happy and healthy. I live in an amazing community and for the first time in my life, I am happy with who and what I have become. I have struggled and felt like I would never come out of the darkness, but look where I am, not there anymore. I'm so grateful tonight for being granted the opportunity to experience this life and all that it has to offer. If you are in a bad spot tonight, and you read this, please know that tomorrow is a brand new day to seize opportunities that you may not have had today. Life giveth and taketh, and we have to go with the flow. Be ready to be given the world, only to have it taken from you. No, don't live in negativity, but just stand strong in who you are and what you believe, and just know that no matter what, you will make it through whatever you are going through.
I do want to briefly share that in the past few years, since I started this blog, I have lost 5 jobs. Moved to a new city to start my life over with my boys. I have felt so defeated and so joyous. I have made new friends, and reconnected with old ones. I have seen life through rose colored glasses, and some days I didn't even want to open my eyes. Faith in a higher being, being absolutely positive when all I wanted was to stab someone in the eye, that's how I've gotten where I am. Tonight, for the first time in a very long while, I can say that I am truly happy. Yes, life is still life with ups and downs, but it's beautiful and I am so blessed for all the love and support and amazing people that I get to share this life with. I plan on writing more in my blog. I didn't have internet for a few years, and I still don't. Thanks to my awesome neighbor (thanks Amber!!) I get to use their Wifi. Alot can change in a year, in a day, in a moment. Cherish everything for what it's worth.
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