It's February, one of my least favorite months. The past few months with holidays has been rocky, but I'm making it through. I called today to make an appointment with a counselor, something I've been meaning to do for a very long time. I wish I could be one of those thick skinned people who can face their fears/life/sadness without help, but I cannot. I have been trying for a while and it's just not working for me. When you feel like a part of you has been ripped from you, it's not shameful to ask for help, to seek someone to share your emotions with. I've slowly and surely been losing myself, and I have to find me again.
I was once this vibrant, full of life woman and most of the time, I feel like a shell of a human. There are fleeting moments of pure joy and happiness and ok-ness with my life, and then I break and shatter. Picking up the pieces and putting myself back together is the hardest part. I hate my kids seeing me that way, and I try and hide it, but sometimes I'm not so good at it. Just the other day, Brayden said to me, 'Mom, I heard you crying again, please tell me what's wrong'. I didn't want to tell him. I didn't want him to worry about me, or him get upset. I told him I was fine and put on a "happy" face. Deep down, he truth was, I was not ok, but I want to be. It is unrealistic to think everyday will be filled with rainbows and unicorns, but I think it's not to much to ask for more than a couple days a month of happiness.
I want to look myself in the mirror and think, 'You're a badass. You've been through hell and back a few times in this life. You didn't give up like so many people would have. You kept going. You've made mistakes, but YOU are not your mistakes. You're here, thriving and being an awesome mother to the best things that have ever happened to you. You still have so much life to live, now go live it, damnit!' Maybe that should be my mantra.
Life is beautiful and wicked all at the same time. I think it's a job everyday to find the balance and not to get to caught up on the crappy things that happen. But, it's also not ok, in my opinion, to think that everyday will be perfect and you'll be happy 24/7, 365. A good friend of mine explained life to me in a way that makes so much sense, and I try to think about it when my brain is telling me I'll never be anything, or I'm worthless, or no one will ever love me again the way I was once loved, you know, all the stupid shit I shouldn't listen to, but do.We are like seasons. We live, we die, we come back to life. Not literally, like we are zombies, but figuratively. A huge part of me died years ago when a group of bitches in 6th grade tore me down so badly that I was seeing a therapist and on prozac at 11, but I went on to do awesome things in the following years and was sort of ok with me. I died, and came back to life. Maybe I didn't have he best "spring" of my life, but nonetheless, I survived that winter. I again died when my dad was diagnosed with a terminal illness. It took me a while to come back from that one, but I did eventually .The year I found roller derby, man did I have an awesome, "spring" filled with huge blossoms and blooms. I really thrived that year, and found an amazing partner that I thought I'd spend the rest of my life with. When he died, most of me died along with him, and although I've come back to life, I know I could be living better. I don't mean monetarily or materially, but within myself, in my soul. Life is a series of seasons, and it's up to us how long our "winters" of cold and miserable "death" will last, or when our "spring" will come and bring us back to "life". Does that make any sense? It does to me! Ha!
I hope anyone reading this, going through their own personal "winter" will know that everyday doesn't have to be miserable. Reach out to someone, as I have finally done. Get someone to listen. Know that it's ok to feel like you can't do it alone, because I think that we really are meant to connect with others on a deeply personal level. If we were meant to be alone, well, we would be. Make friends. Heal wounds. Love. It's really that simple. I'm taking my own advice now. Man, I love writing because what I couldn't make clear in my head, I can see very clearly now. It's a beautiful thing. Be kind to each other! <3
