July 18th, 2011
I can't believe it's been almost 5 months since Justin passed away. I have about 8 weeks until Jensen is due and the closer it gets, the harder it gets emotionally for me. Knowing that Justin was so happy about this baby and knowing that he would have been the best father is so hard. I have stayed strong, kept my head up and really tried to not give into being depressed or feeling sorry for myself, and I don't feel sorry for myself, I just miss Justin so bad. I remember my mom telling me that she literally waited for my dad to come home for 4 months after he died right after Justin died, and all I could think was, 4 months is such a long time and here it is close to 5 months and I really can't believe it's been this long. I still remember our last weekend together like it was yesterday, and especially our last night we spent together and how amazing it was, then how tragic it was. What breaks my heart even more, is the fact that over time I will forget his voice, his mannerisms, his laugh, but then again, maybe I won't. I haven't forgotten my dads, and I think the people we love the most we never forget those little things about them. Over the past few weeks, I have had several dreams about Justin and in every one of them he tells me he loves me, and the last one I had was actually our wedding, but he stayed in the back of the church and never met me at the altar, which was kind of ironic I guess. I love having dreams about him, they comfort me and make me so happy to see him. When I do dream about him, he is so handsome. More handsome that he ever was on earth, and he never fails to tell me he loves me. I remember having dreams of my dad when he first died and he didn't speak in he first few I had, but he does now, and it's the same way with Justin. I truly believe that our loved ones come visit us in our dreams and let us know that they are ok, at least that is what I want to believe.
I will have to have a scheduled C-section for this baby, and I have already told mine and Justin's family that I want to be in the room alone when I have Jensen because Justin would have been here with me, and I know that he will still be here in spirit. Most days I still can't believe that he is gone, and I still wait for him to come home on some weekends. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be able to let him go, and some days, I don't ever want to let him go. I have not been mad at God since he died, and I don't think that I ever will be, but I definitely don't understand why, and I never will, so I don't ask why. I was probably the happiest I have ever been in my life with Justin, and I don't know if I will ever be that happy again. I am happy to be a mom, and all the other things I am on a daily basis, but being with someone that accepts you for who you are and loves you no matter what is hard to replace. I will never forget the first night I met Justin, well, the second actually, because I met him at Kroger 5 months before that first official night...anyway....the night that we "met" at Carey's, he told me I was perfect to him, and I will never forget that as long as I live. No guy had ever told me I was perfect before, and yes, I am not "perfect" by society standards or heavenly standards, but for Justin, I was perfect, and he was perfect to me. Everything about him I loved and still love. I have to admit I was never really attracted to shorter guys, because I am not a short, petite girl, so taller guys always made me feel a little more secure, but I didn't care with Justin. When I went to visit him for the first time out of town, after he started working for Auger, we had decided to go out both Friday and Saturday night, and I didn't have an outfit for Saturday because we weren't going to go out but that Friday. I'm not that kind of girl that packs 400 extra outfits for a weekend excursion. I pack exactly what I need and nothing more. Anyway, we went shopping that Saturday and I found these 4 or 5 inch fushia high heels that I just HAD to have! I wore them to go out that night, and I remember Justin being funny and walking on his tip toes in the parking lot because I was so much taller than him, and everyone was laughing. I miss stuff like that, and I will never forget those good times we had together.
I am really trying to hold it together in these last few months until Jensen gets here, and I know the first few months he is born will be hard, but I know I have lots of support, and I will not be shy to ask for help or company when I am lonely or sad. I am excited and scared to start this next chapter in my life with Jensen and Brayden, my two little boys :) They are both very special to me and mean so much to me in different ways. I am so grateful to have this opportunity to be a mother the second time. I miss my love but I have two little loves that will take up ALOT of my time and energy! I'm looking forward to my life in the near future!!!
